Val, (If Only) He Hardly Knew Ye

Hick has been less than helpful around the house for the past couple months. You'd think he'd have time to take care of his own home during the winter weekends, when there's less business at his Storage Unit Store. Not many people want to stroll around in freezing temps, to walk into dim, unheated storage units to look for bargains. I guess Hick has a crowd of cronies who show up, to lift the doors of their own units, and stand around shooting the bull. Still. That only takes up half the day on Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays.

 

You know how Hick is such a DO-GOODER for people he barely knows. Driving them to the hospital for treatment every week, inspecting homes and property they want to buy, purchasing Goodwill toys for their otherly-abled offspring, driving a VIRUS patient to the bank... Hick really can't help enough if it's a person who is not family.

 

If I ask Hick to inspect or repair something, he gives me the runaround!

 

"I wish the doorknob on the this garage door would work! I either smash my head into the door, or yank my arm out of the socket. It turns, but it doesn't unlatch."

 

"Let me set this Santa down, and I'll look at it. Huh. Seems like it's not pulling back the bolt when it turns."

 

"So that's it? Where are you going?"

 

"I'm moving these Santas."

 

"Surely you would know how to fix something like a doorknob..."

 

I might as well have been talking to the doorknob about fixing Hick!

 

"The light under here is burned out. I can only see half of the stove. This side is dead."

 

"Huh."

 

Of course it's the side I cook on all the time. But no offer from Hick to get a bulb. I guess I'm supposed to figure that out on my own. Or start a small grease fire for brightness.

 

"Hey! Whatever happened to that little emery board I had laying on this table? Every time I try to use it, I can't find it. I left it right here, by my glasses case, where I could find it."

 

"Oh. It's over here. [Hick unreclined, and leaned forward to dig under some papers on the mantel.] It's MINE, anyway. It came in that envelope to me. The one you asked why was a politician sending me a letter."

 

"You don't even use an emery board! A lot of good it's doing over there."

 

T-Hoe is going downhill faster than Robert Redford in a skiing movie. During the snow and ice the other day, I put him into AUTO. Just out of 2WD, so he would automatically latch into 4WD if I went into a skid. Coming home, the roads were clear, so I turned the dial from AUTO back to 2WD. The indicator light didn't change. It stayed on AUTO. Not only that, but a new message popped up on the dash: SERVICE FOUR WHEEL DRIVE.

"Hey, T-Hoe says to SERVICE FOUR WHEEL DRIVE. That's the third message that plays over and over. Service Suspension System, Service Park Assist, and now this. I had it in AUTO during the snow, and now it won't come out of it."

"Huh."

"Aren't you going to look at it? Or take it to your buddy? It's WINTER! I might need to drive on snow."

"Try taking it out again next time you drive it. That might fix it."

With all the assistance I was getting, I knew better than to mention T-Hoe's tires again. You know how they need a little more air during cold weather. Mine are supposed to have 35 psi, and they had 24-26. I noticed, because ANOTHER message came up: CHECK RIGHT REAR TIRE PRESSURE. With a little symbol of a flat tire. 

I just did it myself at the Gas Station Chicken Store. In the chill wind, standing on my head, ample-rumpusing a couple with a barking dog who were parked in the handicap space with their hood open. I actually did a pretty good job, not knowing how much was going in. When I started T-Hoe again, the magical reporty thingy said they were 36, 34, 34, 36. Close enough!

The other stuff is out of my expertise level. I'm not sure how to shame Hick into re-assuming his random chores. I probably should have held off a FOURTH day before mixing that cherry-pie-filling yogurt that he likes. With the excuse that I had a hangnail, and hurt my arm on the garage doorknob yanking, and wrenched my back when T-Hoe jerked into 4WD.