It's the Anti-Crack

Not every morsel of FREE Ponytail Guy food is a delicacy. We've gotten some really good stuff, except for the "chicken" patties that looked like slimy fake sausage. So I'm generally pretty trusting of the FREE foods that Hick hauls home. I'll try a taste of it, unless I see that crosshatch-marked chicken-sausage patty again.

In the box of canned goods this time, we had crackers. Three packs of graham crackers, of which The Pony has eaten one. Pack, that is. The other two are a bit broken, but I can imagine him putting the pieces in a bowl to eat like chips. There was also a box of bougie-looking crackers that I filed away in my mind as something I would try. 

 

Sesame & Flax Artisan Crackers. Not something I would buy for myself. I'm a simple kind of Val. KRISPY Crackers are more to my liking. If I can't find them, I'll take PREMIUM Saltines, or the Save A Lot version of them. To get fancy, I have Ritz, or the Save A Lot version of them. Triscuits. Wheat Thins about very 10 years. Please pardon the clutter behind the crackers. That's my dog-snack staging area, so I can toss them out when I come in the door. There's some four-day-old pizza waiting for them.

Anyhoo... I took a few crackers out and put them on my lunch plate. I posed one for you.

Does it look like something you might try? I didn't wait until I got my lunch down to my lair. I took a little bite. Hmm... tasted kind of like dry ramen noodles. Same crunch and flavor. I used to like eating dry ramen noodles. However... the more time that elapsed since my sample, the worse the aftertaste grew. Ramen noodles didn't leave an aftertaste. I reconsidered my cracker snack, but didn't care enough to remove them from my plate. I thought I might give them one more try. NOT a whole cracker, though.

I wondered if maybe the crackers were just stale. When I opened them I saw that they were not even sealed! Only closed with a twist-tie. The box had been sealed, with clear plastic circles on three sides, that I had to slice through.

Of course they wouldn't stay fresh that way! I was shocked that the crackers were still crispy. Huh. I wondered how old they were. So I checked the box.

 

Well. That is not a good date for crackers! No wonder the taste was off. I surely HOPE that the taste was off! Or people who paid for that flavor got robbed!

 

Anyhoo... I called to The Pony to carry down my lunch tray and two bubba cups of water and ice, and my 44 oz Diet Coke. He's more surefooted on the basement stairs, and a big help at lunch time. I went to change into my lairwear. When I came out, I offered The Pony a taste of the crackers.

 

"Hey. Do you want to try these fancy crackers? I think they taste just like dry ramen noodles. Try one. Not a WHOLE ONE! They expired on June 30! They leave a little aftertaste."

 

"No thanks. I saw some on your plate. THAT explains the smell when I carried down your tray! I got halfway down, where my face was level with the floor, and I smelled the carpet. I thought that was weird. I don't usually smell the carpet. I wondered what was different. I even smelled the carpet in your office. But it was the CRACKERS!"

"Ooh. Yuck. I don't think they smell like carpet! Why are you smelling carpet? Now I for sure won't eat them. Maybe the dogs will."

I wonder if someone should call LYDIA, so she can use her LADLE to whack the person over the head who gave her expired crackers to an organization that funneled them to the Ponytail Guy. I will never know how delicious these crackers might have been, originally. I guarantee you I won't founder myself on them in a feeding frenzy. They're like the anti-crack.