You Can Lead The Pony to Knowledge, But You Cannot Make Him Think

Last week every 11th-grader in the state of Missouri had to take the ACT. Whether they wanted to or not. It didn't cost them anything, it was held during the school day, and it made some kids think about how soon they're going to be out on their own, pursuing college or a career.

"Mrs. Thevictorian, your son is really smart. How does he think he did on the ACT?"

"He doesn't think he got a perfect score of 36 like he was trying for. But he's taken it several times already, on Saturdays, and he has a top score of 35. They can't take that away from him. They always keep the highest. I think he's just trying to beat his brother. He's in college now. He had a 35. A kid from that big school south of here got a 36 his year, and now that kid is going to Yale on a full ride scholarship."

"What's he going to be?"

"He doesn't know. His dad is a lawyer. My son and him and a girl from that big school north of here, and a kid from that little school like us, all valedictorians, decided that they should go into different careers, then join together and run a business. Like they should have a lawyer, a doctor, an engineer, a computer expert...and refer people to each other."

"That would be cool. I bet you're really proud of your kids, being so smart."

"Yes I am."

"Do they have street smarts?"

"Ha ha ha! Are you kidding? NO!"

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Which brings us to today's discussion of The Pony's sad lack of street smarts.

He got to talking about college yesterday on the way home from our weekly grocery shopping trip.

"You sound like you're excited already about going away."

"Yes and no."

"I worry that you won't have an outlet if you feel stressed. You won't be able to play your computer games all the time."

"Yes I will. Most cities have way faster internet than here. I'll still be using my phone for a connection, you know. It's unlimited."

"Well, you'll have a roommate who might bother you. You won't have your privacy. How did that work out at last summer when you spent three weeks at that camp with Your People?"

"Fine. We were never in the room together."

"It might not be that way at college. You might get the kid with the Mason jars of pot under the bed. Or someone who's planning to join a fraternity. Somebody entirely different from you."

"Maybe. Don't all colleges have fraternities?"

"Yeah. Genius didn't want any part of that. When I went to college, I didn't either. Not a fraternity, of course. A sorority. If somebody asked my friends if they were in a fraternity, they said, 'Yeah. GDI.' Do you know what that stands for?"

"No. What?"

"Well, the last letter is for independent, and the first two are for a swear."

"I think I know."

"No you don't!"

"Um. Is the first one for God?"

"Okay. Maybe you've got it."

"I was looking into the military academies."

"I don't want to crush your dreams, but I don't think that's for you. You have to go through basic training. I don't think you're cut out for that."

"I DID break both my elbows, just walking."

"Yeah. I know. Besides, we had that one kid who was all into sports, and valedictorian, and he went off to the Air Force Academy, and everybody made a big deal about it, and he was back home within the first week. Some people just aren't ready for that stuff. And you have to give them so many years of service, too, for the education. But you get a great education."

"You don't have to go into war, usually, like if you want to be a doctor. Besides, all students are pretty much not eligible for the draft, no matter what college they go to."

"You still have to register for the draft, as soon as you turn 18. You only get 30 days to register."

"I think you can do that at the post office. Isn't that what Genius did?"

"I don't remember. You can probably do it online now."

"My poor vision would probably disqualify me, anyway."

"Maybe. If you got your glasses knocked off, you would be as helpless as a kitten. You couldn't wear those glasses in the military. They give you sturdy glasses. Do you know what they look like? The thick black frames. Like those that twin wears, just to be cool. Only that style didn't used to be cool. The military people call them BCGs. Do you know what THAT is?"

"No."

"Birth control glasses. Because if you're wearing those, the chances are very slim that you're ever going to find a partner who will allow you the opportunity to reproduce. I just don't think you're military material. And I can't see you at one of those Big 10 schools. You don't want to be a minnow in a great big pond."

"I DO know that if I go to a state university, I'll stay in Missouri." 

"Again, I'm not trying to discourage you. But I can't see you going off to another state. You'd have to fly. And take all of your stuff. Or have a car, and find your way there."

"Getta getta getta Garmin! Why? Why would I need a car?"

"Um. To get around. You can't just get to college and never leave campus. You might need food. Or to go to court."

"I would have a meal ticket. And I wouldn't be getting in trouble and needing court."

"I just don't see it. You're a small town kid. You can be a big man on a little campus. As long as it's got a strong reputation for your major, I'd like to see you go to a smaller college. Like Genius. And I know you don't want to go through life following in his footsteps. But you can't try to be different just for the sake of being different. I want what's best for you."

"I know."

My little Pony. So close to leaving the nest. Yet so far.