The Pony doesn't ask for much. A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down his pants. WAIT! That was Chuckles the Clown, before he met his untimely end, being shucked to death by an elephant while dressed as a peanut. I hear he had a rip-snortin' funeral.
No, The Pony only expects a couple of meals a day, a ride to wherever he needs to go, an internet connection, and phone service. So it came as quite a surprise when he asked a favor from his father on Sunday. I was left out of the loop, until Hick had to brag about it.
"The Pony wants me to build him a place to keep his stuff. His armor, his swords, his castle, his shields, his warriors. He has a lot of stuff, and there's no room for it in his room. Nobody can see it. When I'm done with the barbershop, I'll start on his."
"Oh. I thought that maybe when I retire, which is NEXT SUMMER, you know...that you could build me a little workshop. Like a writer's retreat. So I wouldn't be in the dark basement all by myself when The Pony goes off to college, and you're still working."
"Huh. I guess I could. What did you have in mind?"
"Kind of like a little barn. Like a half barn. You know, with that barny roof, and a porch coming off the front side, like a lean-to."
"I have no idea what you're talking about. You'll have to draw it."
Seriously? Hick doesn't know what a barn looks like? Give me a break. So I drew it out.
"See? This is from the end. See how the roof should have those four sections? And how the roof of the lean-to slopes out for the porch? And I'd need some windows, and a source of electricity, and internet connection, and a way to get a little bit of heat. I don't really think I'd need a loft, because I wouldn't go up there, but if there were some stairs, like captain's stairs, somebody else could go up there."
"Huh. I'm sure Genius put in a good enough router that you could get your internet. I guess I could put it out in the front."
"I don't want it in the front yard! That would look stupid!"
"Well, I'm putting The Pony's shed next to my barbershop. I could put it on the other side."
"No. I don't want it there. I want LIGHT. And I don't want to be by the stinkin' chicken pen and goat pen. I was thinking about out back, by the pool, in the corner of the yard."
"I guess I could put one there."
He went on to tell my (like I was actually listening) about the materials he still had to start on The Pony's shed. Then he frowned when he started thinking about mine.
"We'll have to buy some kind of siding..."
"I just want metal. Like a little barn. I'm not going to LIVE in it. I won't heat it all the time like you do. Red metal walls, white metal roof."
"Oh." A few minutes later, Hick, the Master Builder, said, "Maybe you should just pick out a little pre-made building at Lowe's."
Can you believe it? He builds cabins and workshops and mini-barns and outhouses and barbershops and Ye Olde Medieval Memorabilia shops, but he has no interest in building his loving wife a writer's retreat that would sit next to him while he fritters away his retirement years floating in the pool.
I might as well chain myself to my proposed handbasket factory. Looks like we're gonna need a lot of 'em.
Oh, boy. He'll build it, all right, but you'd better keep an eye on him throughout the construction process. SWMBO has several "constructors" in her family and I've heard stories.
ReplyDeleteI didn't know you had a pool. How much land do you have? Those little barns at Lowe's are cool but Hick can probably make one bigger and cheaper.
ReplyDeleteStephen has no idea...
ReplyDeleteStephen. I paid the deluxe fee to get a full tour of the Mansion grounds. let me fill you in. There is an Olympic-sized pool. With a high diving board and a water slide.
There is a miniature, man-made version of Niagra Falls. For the goats. Those creepy-eyed creatures go down in barrels at pre-scheduled times for the tourists' pleasure.
There is one of those "you-think-you-were-there" rides where you're strapped in and the ride shakes and shudders and you smell smells and see things come at you 3-D style. It's called "The Val Experience."
There is a doily-making station. Everyone thinks Val is funny and snarky but in reality, she is just a ball of old-fashioned sweetness. In the evenings she's most likely tatting or making lace doilies or embroidering samplers.
Stephen needs to do the tour. It'll be a vacation trip he'll never forget.
Catalyst,
ReplyDeleteOh, dear. I hope I'm not going to be part of the concrete foundation. I'll make him put it on skids.
*****
Stephen,
Yes, we have an above-ground pool, with 20 acres where the house sits, and 10 more up on the hill on the other gravel road, about 3/4 mile away.
I totally agree. Hick has already built a full-sized barn, and his mini-barn, yet he won't build one for ME? I've a good mind not to write about him anymore!
*****
Sioux,
There you go, giving away my secrets! Now the tourist will flock here in record numbers. No more Mom and Pop operation. I daresay I shan't have time for my doily-making now. And forget the tatting. We'll be busy paving the road and putting up a parking lot and building a tram to haul them to and fro.
The good news is...my World Famous Chex Mix will sell for $10 a snack-size baggie.It's a delicacy that can only be had at our theme park. And the Cheesed Broccocaulipeppot will be our rib-stickin' dish worthy of lunch or dinner in itself. I figure $15 would be a fair price. We'll serve it in the potato and save the cost of a bowl. And The Pony can whittle forked sticks to use as eating utensils.
You might be thinking we are missing a sweet treat. No. The natural sweetness of Val is such that our guests must sign a waiver declaring that we will not be held responsible for diabetic coma in the event of a sugar rush due to basking in her glow.
Folks can bring their jugs (heh, heh, I said JUGS) and buy water from our well. But in case they are jugless, we'll sell that water in earthenware moonshine jugs with a cork in the top.
The admission ticket will be $50, or ten $5 scratch-off tickets. Yes, I know that's cheap for a theme park. But we can afford that out here in the country, where prices are low and the creeks run high.
If you build it we will come.
DeleteMake sure you bring a lot of money!
DeleteI feel you! I cannot tell you how many times I have described something to He Who and even drawn a picture to have him look at me like I am speaking a language unknown to anyone but me.
ReplyDeleteBut of course WE are expected to understand exactly what they're talking about, without the benefit of a drawing, just because they say the exact same words LOUDER every time we ask them to explain.
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