The Unfortunately True Adventure of Me and My Sister the Ex-Mayor's Wife

I had today off because an eight-hour work day is somehow equivalent to nine hours of after-school time during the evenings of conference week.

Huh. There is no such thing as a day off in Val's world. Hick is buying my mom's car, because he has a fondness for one-owner vehicles driven only to town and back by little old ladies. So he decided I should meet Sis and start the paperwork so he can take possession. That Trailblazer has been sitting in the garage since Mom had her health issues last November. The garage which Sis has both door openers for, and the car for which she has both sets of keys.

Let the record show that the garage also has a keypad, and while I THINK I remember the number, I am not agile enough to dash out from under the closing door once I have opened it and need to hit the button for closure. No Indiana Jones am I. The Pony? Let's be real. He has an Indiana Jones fedora, but he wouldn't know a garage-door-closing button if it bit him on his rump. So we haven't seen the car lately, and assume it's there, even though Sis's daughter at first said she wanted it. That's what we were waiting on.

Sis and the ex-mayor gave us a price they looked up on Kelley, which was $1300 to $2400 less than what Hick looked up. Funny how that works out. Anyhoo...Sis said we need to do something with the car, and her little gal is no longer interested, so we agreed on a price that was what Hick said in the beginning, since dealers use the NADA and not Kelley. We're not out to cheat our thick-blooded relatives like they're some watery-veined car dealers. The price is the price in our eyes, no matter who is buying it.

Hick stopped by the license office near work to see what paperwork I would need. He declared I only needed three items: the title, the TOD paper, and my mom's title application. I questioned him numerous times, but that was the story he was sticking to. So off we went this morning to meet Sis and her grandbaby. The Pony was tasked with sitting in Sis's car so neither he nor the baby had to go in the license office.

As luck would have it (or Even Steven playing a prank) there was ZERO wait. We didn't even need a number. The License Gal looked over our documents. Had us both sign the title, and had me print Hick's name on it. Then she looked at Sis and said, "So you're GIFTING her with your share?"

Sis laughed. "Well, I guess I am, but it depends on how she acts. If she's nice to me, yes. But I could easily change my mind." The phone rang. License Gal picked up. Sis went on. "Of course, SHE HASN'T PAID ME YET, so maybe I shouldn't sign!"

Oh, dear. I leaned my head down behind that little half-wall thingy on the counter for the workers to hide behind while they make faces and stick out their tongues and otherwise ridicule us customers. I couldn't even hiss, because I didn't want License Gal or her counterpartner to hear. I mouthed viciously, "SHUT UP! THEY WILL CHARGE ME TAX IF THEY KNOW I AM BUYING YOUR SHARE!" Which is not what my mother wanted, or she would never have forked over ten dollars for that Transfer On Death title.

Sis straightened up. "Well, it's only a DOLLAR, but still..." She will not be taking home an Oscar any time soon.

I am guessing that License Gal was too absorbed in her phone call, because she asked again if Sis was gifting me with her half, and Sis said yes. Then I said I wanted a TOD on the new license, and LG said, "Oh, do you want to put your sister's name on there?"

"No. I am going to put my two boys' names on there."

Then it happened. "I just need the death certificate."

"Oh. I didn't bring one. They were right there on the counter beside my purse, but my husband checked with another license office about what we would need, and he didn't mention the death certificate."

About this time, Sis rolled her eyes and huffed. "And you SAID it would only take you ten minutes to get here, but it took you fifteen."

"Hey! I can't help that. We sent you a text by the mushroom factory. There is roadwork going on, and traffic was down to one lane."

"Oh, I wondered what they were doing." License Gal was downright chatty with no customers pawing at the turf.

"Yes. And now I have to go back through it twice to go home and get a death certificate."

"The library can give out copies of those. It's right over--"

"I KNOW where the library is. But I never knew they could give out death certificates. The county health center does, but I've never heard of the library doing it. What do you want to do, Sis? I hate for you to have to wait until I get it."

"Oh, she can go ahead and sign. Her part will be done. You'll just have to come back with the death certificate to apply for a new title."

And against my better judgment, I drove around the block to the library, where a little old lady looked at me like I had two heads, and said, "How could we do that? Can you access them on the computer? I wouldn't think so, because then people could do bad things!"

Yeah. Just as I thought. I drove home and got the death certificate and went back to the eighth circle of Not-Heaven license office, where I had to take a number. I waited. And waited. Then there was a hubbub, as both the workers hollered, "Ma'am! Do you have number 15?"

"No. I have number 12." I held it up.

"But we're serving number 15." Let the record show that I was the only person waiting.

"That's the first number you called since I came in and took 12 off the rack."

"Oh, well...come on over. People steal them, and put them back, and we never know what they're going to do with the numbers."

So I got the OTHER worker this time, and she didn't act at all like she knew what she was doing, as opposed to the Einstein who told me to get a death certificate at the library. I paid $11.00, and THINK I got the process taken care of. But I don't remember Sis signing a separate paper that Hick said she would need to do to relinquish her share. Hick, who told me by omission that I did not need the death certificate.

I have a feeling Hick is going to end up in the slammer for grand theft auto if he ever gets stopped driving Mom's car.