Hey, remember all that snow and sleet that fell here in Backroads a couple of weeks ago? It melted! And then we had two inches of rain. So the creeks are up, and Val is going around her elbow to get to her thumb when she goes to town. At least there's a convenient second way out of her hillbilly compound now. Used to be she had to drive halfway to Hick's work on the back roads, then come down the highway for ten miles to get back to where she almost started from.
I returned from
"Dad's brushing his van's teeth!"
Well. The Pony is sometimes a bit obscure in his references, so I didn't question him. I got out of T-Hoe and inhaled that wonderful not-cat-excretia scent. Somebody should make a dangly cardboard thing for car mirrors with that scent, in the shape of a pile of cat doodoo, perhaps, encircled, with a line struck through it. I could market it on the counter of my proposed handbasket factory. Or GIVE them away, with my business details imprinted, as an advertising gimmick.
There sat Hick in front of his Caravan, on a red milk crate, looking suspiciously like that one which used to be screwed to the wall of the house by the front door to receive packages. He was working his arm back and forth, following it with a red shop towel.
"I heard at the auction last week from my buddy that you can get your headlights clean and bright by polishing them with toothpaste. So I got out the toothbrush the dentist gave me last week, and that little tube of toothpaste he gave me with it, and I'm working on my headlights. It's really easy!"
That's right. The Thevictorian family's patriarch pays $1000 for shoe inserts, drives a $1000 Caravan with no speedometer, gets his teeth cleaned twice year, uses the same toothbrush for who knows how many decades, and BRUSHES HIS VAN'S HEADLIGHTS WITH NEW TOOTHPASTE AND TOOTHBRUSH. I'm pretty sure those headlights would have come just as clean if a larger brush of some kind was used.
My kids don't know how lucky they are to have broken the cycle.
Meanwhile...here in Backroadsia, the rain keeps a fallin',
The creeks keep a-risin', and Val keeps a-bawlin',
Waste Management keeps ditchin' and the trash needs a-haulin',
Just another day.
Maybe you'll recognize whose song I copied there. Maybe not.
I heard that if you use toothpaste with fluoride, the headlights will never crack.
ReplyDeleteThat toothpaste trick is a sham. I tried it and my headlights were just as foggy as before. But they smelled better.
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness, I laughed out loud. You do have a rare form of entertainment out there.
ReplyDeleteI am clueless. But as an excuse, my brain is fried. Report cards are due tomorrow, and we have a pre-scheduled "break" in our report card program. Four hours it's down this morning. I think they do this deliberately, to raise the blood pressure of all the procrastinators.
ReplyDeleteSo, whose song did you sample? Is it a Marvin Gaye song? If so, be prepared to cough up several million for it...
I honestly don't know what to say, but I'm wondering if it will work on the lights.
ReplyDeletejoeh,
ReplyDeleteHeh, heh. You said "CRACK!"
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Catalyst,
I must say that our garage definitely smelled better. I see that Hick only treated ONE of T-Hoe's headlights. I guess oncoming traffic might notice a difference, but I haven't.
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Linda,
We're a simple folk. Doesn't take much to entertain us.
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Sioux,
Well, as one whose grades are not due until next Monday morning at 8:00, i must advise you that no good comes from procrastination. Even if you ARE a princess.
I can't believe you are not familiar with the works of Loretta Lynn! "Here in Topeka was quite a hit. I'm sure you can find it on YouTube. You know, while you're putting off those grades. It was written by Shel Silverstein.
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Stephen,
I suggest you ask your son. He is probably well-versed in the toothpaste trick.