Val Thevictorian, Infant Dispatcher

Val is a woman of many talents. Why, just this evening, she delivered a baby. Oh, not only did she deliver that baby, Val delivered that baby faster than all the other baby deliverers, relying on her old standby of spouting hot air, without even using her hands, without dropping the baby as some butterfingered deliverers did, and without licking the baby's buttocks.

Okay. I went to my niece's baby shower. All attendees were given a plastic shot glass containing a Mardi Gras cake type plastic baby frozen in an ice cube. The first person to get the baby out of the ice cube, without using hands, sticking anything in the glass, taking the ice cube out of the glass, or submerging that shot glass in hot coffee, was the winner. Here is my prize:

It's a hermetically-sealed jar of chocolate-covered cereal, powdered-sugar-coated Puppy Chow. That's what my sister the ex-mayor's wife calls it, anyway. Oh, and there's the bouncing baby of indeterminate gender that I delivered. I can't believe the rest of the faux midwives were not happier for my victory. It kind of hurt my feelings that there was such a sigh of resignation, and several shouts of disbelief. Let's see...I think the glowing lady of honor's exact words were: "I should have known you'd win. You win everything. You must have cheated." So hurtful. I'm of half a mind not to participate in the Christmas contests at her mother's house this year. I'll show them! I won't win a thing.

Here's my baby-delivery strategy. First of all, when the tray of frozen babies is paraded around the room for selection, and you grab one with a big fat ice cube, hand it immediately to Hick, and take another one. Then start breathing. Yeah. Right into that little plastic shot glass. Nothing melts the ice like a blow-hard. Don't follow the tactics of the poor clueless males on either side of you. Much as he thinks he has cracked the code of baby delivery, The Pony's method of banging the cup on a plastic plate REPEATEDLY does not work. I suppose he was trying to crack it open like an egg. Nor do you want to adopt Hick's mode of putting that plastic shot glass containing an ice cube with a baby frozen inside down the neck of your long-sleeved gray T-shirt and into your hairy armpit. If you feel lightheaded from all that exhaling, don't take a chance on hyperventilating and losing valuable baby-thawing time. Swirl that shot glass so the baby's newly-exposed parts are bathed in the melt-water. That helps free the baby from the ice. When you hear the baby clinking against the cube, raise your glass high and shout, "My baby is loose!" Then nod and say, "Uh huh!" when those in charge say they don't think so.

The Pony's favorite part was the foot cookies. I kind of enjoyed the centerpieces. Yes. She's expecting a girl.

We left before the next game, and the drawing for the grand prize for those who also brought a package of Huggies. Our roads are ice-covered, and we didn't want to be out too late. Besides, if Hick had won the diaper drawing, I fear that the mob might have come after us with flaming torches.

Val. Always the victorian.