It Is Truly Better to Give Than to Receive

We have a revolving gift that will scare the pants offa ya! It all started with my sister's husband the ex-mayor's sister-in-law. Okay. Technically, it started with me. But not really.

A few years ago I gave my niece a book called Creepy-Ass Dolls. Oh, come on. It's not like she's six. She was over the age of majority. Able to drink alcohol in a casino where a stranger offered her and her girlfriends his room to sleep in for the night. So this little picture book is not something that would scar her for life. Or even for a couple of hours. I also gave her Awkward Family Photos. For balance, you know. What's not to like? I would have loved those gifts. In fact, I did. I read them myself before wrapping them. I figured she wouldn't be able to tell.

So...we heehawed over those books one Christmas day. Niecy must have loved them so much that she spread the joy. At a family gathering on her dad the ex-mayor's side, her aunt brought this scary gift.

Oh, she may not look so scary right there on my living room coffee table. But when you're expecting a regular gift, and pull the lid off this thing, she's pretty scary. You might notice that her left leg has a bad case of elephantiasis. I refuse to take responsibility. She was like that the first time she was given to me last year. No, that knife is not laying there for amputative purposes. It was used to slash open packages for last-minute wrapping.

Last night we got Dollee (pronounced like Gomer Pyle said golllllleeeee) down from the upper shelf in the basement workshop. You didn't think I'd have that thing on display in my home all year, did you? So The Pony brought her in at my request, and said, "You mean THIS doll?" As if I have another creepy doll laying around. It was actually The Pony who brought the renewed bout of creepiness to the forefront. "I don't know why her right leg is hairy."

WHAT?

I thought he meant her misshapen left leg. Though I myself would not have termed it hairy. "Oh, that's just her big leg. Remember? I think it melted in somebody's attic all those years between childhood and latter middle age."

"No. Not that one. The other leg."

I looked closer. But not TOO close. "Eww! Get that thing away from me! Take it up to your dad and tell him he needs to wash it! That's MOLD. MOLD growing on Dollee's good leg! Yuck. Get it out of here!"

"Mom. It's not mold. It's white." 

"Yeah. So? It's not normal. What do YOU think it is."

"I don't know. Um. Hair?" 

"Like a creepy doll is going to grow hair on its plastic leg. Get that upstairs and tell Dad. It may look like white hair, but that's hyphae!"

Hick dutifully scrubbed Dollee of her fungus. I suppose she was just laying around decomposing for the past year. If you think that's bad...the ex-mayor ripped her fat leg off last night. I have yet to hear the details.

I will not be looking forward to any gifts from my niece next Christmas. Maybe she will discover a new cure like the old penicillin.

Dollee. The gift that keeps on giving.