Hick has outdone himself. There are really no words to explain my shock at his latest escapade. But, being Val, I will try to scrape together a few particles of language to enlighten you. If my life was a sitcom, this would be a very special episode. It would have a public service announcement after the credits.
Hick had been overly solicitous this week. Agreeable to anything I said. Caring, almost. I chalked it up to his birthday on Wednesday. Not that he's a kid hoping for presents. It's the only reason I could think of. Then on Wednesday, he came in from work and asked if I got his message. Oops! I turned my phone off at school because the battery drains trying to find service. I turned it back on.
"Oh, here's your message." It was a voice mail converted to text. Let's just say it started out with, "Heavy, it's me." And went downhill from there. Some kind of gibberish about his oldest son wanting to take him to dinner. I ribbed him for a while about addressing me as "Heavy." Of course he swore he did not. Then he grew pensive. I could sense an undropped shoe about to crash down on my head like a chunk of errant blue ice from a passing airliner.
"So...did you get my email the other day?"
"No..."
"I sent it a couple of days ago. I had to text Genius to get your email. I know it was right. Here. Let me check."
"Yes. That's my email. But I didn't get it. What did it say?"
"Maybe you should check again."
"I would know. Maybe it went to 5PAM. Just tell me what it said."
"Go check."
"Why are you making such a production? Just tell me what it said."
"Well, there's a reason I sent it by email. I didn't want to tell you."
"I'm getting kind of tired of this game. Just say it."
After about two minutes of dead air and my pointed stare, Hick began to speak. He made no move to sit down. Just leaned his elbows on the back of the short couch. Poised for a quick getaway to his birthday dinner.
"I sent you the email on Tuesday. You know I've been having trouble with my feet. Nothing works. Not the insoles, not those pills the doctor gave me, not that roll-on medicine. Nothing. So I went to The Good Feet Store. I walked in and they gave me some inserts to try. MY FEET FELT BETTER IMMEDIATELY! There is a set of three inserts that you're supposed to use. The guy said, 'So you want me to go make them up?' And I said yes. They make them right there while you wait. Then he came out, and I went to pay for them...I never do this. But I did that day."
"You didn't ask how much they were going to cost before you got them?"
"No. And I never do that."
"How much?"
"I sent you the email because I didn't want to tell you. I knew you'd be mad."
"JUST SAY IT!"
"Nine hundred and eighty dollars."
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: If you have a friend or relative with sore feet who might entertain the thought of visiting The Good Feet Store, take away their credit card.
I cried because I had no shoes, and then I married a man with $980.00 feet.
Lock him in the BARn with the other asses. Call it a Nativity Scene.
ReplyDeleteWow! I had no idea such things were that expensive. But then I just paid that for my glasses, but I did ask how much before I gave the go ahead. At least Hick will be stepping pretty....
ReplyDeleteI'm putting The Good Feet Store on the same list as Pay Day Loans, Scams from Nigerian Telemarketers, Condo Sales dinners and that shady guy on the corner selling dime bags.
ReplyDeleteCouldn't the inserts (see the name: "inserts") be INSERTED in different pairs of shoes, which meant he only needed one set?
DeleteOr, are the inserts adhered into the shoes with gold foil and ruby dust?
Yikes. They must have seen Hick coming from miles away...and started construction on their in-ground swimming pool as soon as he came into their store.
When your feet hurt, you are willing to do or pay just about anything.
ReplyDeleteInsurance?
Wow! I've seen those commercials and had NO IDEA they would cost that much!! In my opinion, that is just nuts. I've had different shoe inserts, and the best ones were less than $100, which my health insurance paid for at that time. I would never pay that much....Did Hick ever try any of Dr. Scholls "gellin" thingys??
ReplyDeleteInserts - Ha! I know where I would insert those inserts!
ReplyDeleteknancy,
ReplyDeleteAnd I shall decree that he STAND until he gets $980 worth of wear out of those Good Feet things.
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Stephen,
If you can actually see out of those glasses, I would say that's a good investment. Hick had better be prancing all over the place in his newfound footloose ecstasy. He needs a viral video for a craze I will call GoodFeetercise.
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Eileen,
I knew my Public Service Announcement would reach my target audience.
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Sioux,
The Good Feet people were probably tipped off by the lawyer with two doors on his Mercedes paid for by Hick. Indeed, the inserts go inside the shoes. I think it's a progressive sequence. I saw one sad little pair laying on the side of the big triangle tub this morning. They looked just like Dr. Scholls, with square Good Feet logos in the big toe area. AND they weren't even made out of gold!
I wanted to weep.
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joeh,
Don't get me started on insurance! No. They do not cover such an item.
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Becky,
Hick has been supplied with Dr. Scholls gellin' inserts, to no avail. He has champagne wishes and caviar dreams, which he will chase after on GOOD FEET.
*****
knancy,
I think that might make Hick walk funny.
Well, he will be walking on $980.00 dollar feet!
ReplyDelete