There Are None So Blind as Those Who Patronize The Charlatans Optical Delusions Emporium and Professional Prevaricators Shoppe

I know this might be hard to fathom...but Val has an issue.

You might recall that I had an optometrist appointment on November 15th, and ordered two new pairs of lenses. I am still waiting for a working pair of bifocals. Since NOVEMBER 15th.

Let's see. I had that appointment, then went in the next week to have my lenses put into my frames, since The Charlatans Optical Delusions Emporium and Professional Prevaricators Shoppe left me a message that they were ready. Wrongo. Only the distance lenses were ready.

I received another call when the bifocal lenses came in. I went to the Shoppe and had them put in. I told the lady I couldn't see, and she said my eyes had to adjust. I called the next day and took them back. I was chastised for not telling the Doc that I use them for computer viewing. Which I don't. I just wanted to see my gradebook laying on my desk. That gal said I needed them switched from a 12-inch distance to 14 or 16. I told her I didn't think that was enough to read material on the desk. She said she'd fix me up, even called in the newest opto kid doc.

Today I braved life and limb in a sleet storm to get those bifocals before becoming housebound. You guessed it. I still could not see with those bifocals. Here's the gist of the interaction. Keep in mind that I was the only customer in the whole establishment. The same quack technician that messed it up the last two times serviced me. Also remember that in my many visits, I  overheard THREE other people proclaim that they could not see out of their new glasses.

Quacky is one of those older women who make a statement and suck their teeth. Smich. That's what it sounds like. I kind of had the urge to smack her right in the smicher. But that would not have been a ladylike thing to do. I might as well sit with my beskirted knees splayed wide, wear white after Labor Day, or belch the Star Spangled Banner.

"Here. Do you need something to read to try them out?"

"Can't see. It's like I'm underwater."

"Oh, we don't want that. Smich. Maybe you need time for your eyes to adjust to them. Smich. They're new, and you're not used to them. Smich."

"That's what you said last time."

"Well. Smich. We've adjusted them from a 12-inch reading distance to 14 inches."

"I told you last time that wouldn't be enough. It goes from my head to the top of my desk. That's more than 14 inches."

"Oh. Smich. I know you're frustrated. Smich. Do you want to take them and try them at work?"

"No. I did that the first time. I know right now they're not going to work for me. My two-year-old bifocals are better than this. I've been using them for three weeks now."

"Do you have them with you?"

"I'll go get them out of the car." Yes. Through the sleet, on their slick sidewalk and parking lot.

"Let me see. Smich. I'll take them back and measure how we have them set. Smich." She took my black frames while I experienced a minor panic attack. No good comes of giving those people your frames with working lenses. "Huh. Smich. The new ones are the same as these. Minus one, plus two. Smich."

"I can't explain that. All I know is that I can't see. This has been going on for three weeks."

"Well. Smich. I don't know how to say this...smich. But, smich, as we get...smich...older...our eyes change, smich, and get more nearsighted...and don't adjust. Smich."

"That's funny. These glasses from two years ago seem just fine. My older eyes don't have a problem with them."

"Oh, honey. Smich. I know it's hard to have this problem. Smich. We'll get them fixed. Smich. I'll talk to your doctor. Smich. He's not in today. Smich. Because of the weather. I'll check with him and see what we need to do. Smich. I'll call you."

"If you don't get it straightened out this time, I'm done with it. I've been here too many times, and you can't get it right."

"I know how you feel, sweetie. Smich. We'll fix it. Smich. Do you want to take your frames?"

"No. Then it will take longer when I come back to get them. I wish I'd never had new bifocals put in. At least with the old ones I could see. And better than with these two-year-old glasses. I just want the old ones back now."

"We'll get it fixed. Smich. I'll call you when they come in."

Let's tally my trip count, shall we?
1-Initial appointment
2-Pick up distance lenses only
3-Pick up bifocal lenses
4-Return bifocal lenses
5-Pick up new bifocal lenses

When I go back to pick them up after the next adjustment, it will be trip number SIX.

WHO DO YOU HAVE TO WINK AT IN THIS TOWN TO GET A FUNCTIONAL PAIR OF BIFOCALS?