In keeping with Val's regular schedule of timely faux pas, she put her size eight-and-a-half New Balance in her gaping maw first cat out of the bag this morning. I stopped by the window to sign in, and the little gal behind the glass said not to bother, she would check me in. The first order of business was to authenticate the address, phone, and next of kin. Val soared over that hurdle with flying colors. Then it was time for the insurance cards. Yes, I say card(S) because as you are well aware, Val has two insurances. Not that it seems to save her any time, effort, or money in getting prescriptions filled properly. I handed over my two cards. "That's the primary, and that's the secondary."
"Let's see. The secondary is still the same. The primary...no more Conglomerated Well-Being Concern?"
"No. I WISH!"
"So you have Banishment?"
"Yes. It is THE worst insurance I have ever had."
"That's what we have."
"Oh."
Well. She ought to know. It's not like I was letting a secret slip out like a fart in church. Oh. That's probably not a good simile. But I stand by it. Because Banishment Well-Being Concern stinks. I bet they thought they were putting one over on a lot of people, using that name, "Banishment." Like it sounds all cool or religious or Christmassy or comforting. But that is the actual meaning of the real word. "Banishment." I belly-laughed out loud when I consulted my BFF Google for a synonym. The joke's on all of us. Well, not on me. I didn't choose an insurance company for my employees with a name that means exclusion. No wonder we're having so much trouble with it.
Thank goodness the bloodsucker did not hear me disparage her very own insurance. She might have needled me about it. Heh, heh. Get it? I said a phlebotomist might have needled me. I crack myself up sometimes.
Okay. Look away if you don't want to see something hideous. And I'm not talking about Kramer's leathery skin after he turned his apartment into a smoking lounge.
"The time has come," The Valrus said,
"To show you many things:
Like pale and fat and aging spots,
Thick fingers with no rings...
And just for you a view of what
My phlebotomist brings."
Enjoy.
That's a significant mark for just giving blood. A few minutes later I don't have a mark at all. Did they puncture you with a nail?
ReplyDeleteI used to give platelets at a "Green Circle" center. Those needle-wielders did some interesting things with my veins and their needles. I finally stopped donating there. Seeing my arm bulge from pooled blood...Having them dig around, lookin' for a vein.
ReplyDeleteNo more.
Around here in these hillbilly parts of West Virginia only certified medical technologists or technicians could draw blood. That meant a minimum of an Associate Degree in Med Tech (two years) and passing of a National Registry Board Examination. In the mid 70s that changed. They started classes to train people in six weeks how to draw blood and incorporate it in the correct color-coded vial. What a fuch up. I was called out of the lab constantly because some stupido could not find a vein or I had to re-stick a patient in order to get the blood specimen into the correct color-coded vial. Last time I was in the hospital, a R.N. drew my blood for blood gasses. I did notice that she used the correct color coded vials, but then I told her that when I was a lab tech we always had to put the blood gas specimens on ice for delivery to the lab she actually blushed! CAUGHT! My blood was sent like champagne to the lab. I was listened to a little more closely after that. Makes you wonder about all those other patients' vials and their results, though, doesn't it?
ReplyDeletePhlebotomist gets a minus zero for missing the vein and messing up the beauty of your arm. Good phlebotomists are so hard to find. Veins should not be. Your poetry and your post are through the looking glass.
ReplyDeleteStephen,
ReplyDeleteI know not what the implement of puncture was. I did not look. I WILL say that it was painless. I think the problem arose upon the withdrawal of the implement, when a square of gauze had a wrinkle. "Hold this," Miss Phlebotomist said as she reached for that tan stretchy tapey stuff to wrap three times around my ample appendage. When I removed my bandage, there was a line of seepage.
It was not nearly as bad as the time a different so-called phlebotomist left a huge painful knot that made me nauseous with pain every time I moved my arm slightly.
*****
Sioux,
Thank Even Steven, nobody has ever had to dig for my veins. I have world record circulatory tubes, bulging like fat nightcrawlers just under my thin skin. Once that tourniquet dealybobby is choking the life out of my arm, the phlebotomists usually crow with delight. While this gal was technically proficient, I think she needed to sit under a seasonal mood-altering light for sixty minutes.
*****
knancy,
Well, it must be hard for them to draw blood while holding their corncob pipe out of the way. Heh, heh. I can say that. I'm a hillbilly!
I am not well-versed in color-coded vials, or in the icing of the blood. But I have been known to challenge the occasional medical professional, who then says, "What do you do for a living?" When I say that I teach biology, they are a bit less condescending to this ol' gal.
******
Leenie,
Yes, the beauty of my fish-belly-white, mottled flesh has been compromised. Thank you for the compliment on my post. We both know it's only so much jabberwocky.
First thing I noticed was that I think I have some of that fabric (your sleeve) in my stash! Then, I noted your needle mark. Priorities .....
ReplyDeleteI was going to say that I have cloth napkins in the same pattern! A friend of mine cut fabric with those saw-toothed scissors and made napkins for gifts. Ha, ha, ha. Can't kill me now, Val - somebody else knows! Although, Kathy may not care as she hates me for not knowing the real name of those scissors!
DeleteKathy,
ReplyDeleteNote To Self: next time, crop the clothing out of the picture so crafty seamstresses will not be distracted from the matter at hand, which is proclaiming total sympathy for the boo-boo.
******
knancy,
Shh...I learned this tactic from a Carol Burnett skit about Gone With the Wind. Not only can lovely dresses be crafted from curtains, but a comfortable shirt can be created from napkins cut with PINKING SHEARS!
Your life is safe until the handbasket sale is finalized.