Unique Individual is the New Breathtaking

My mom is at it again! I call her every weekday morning at 6:00. Just because if I can't sleep in, ain't nobody sleepin' in. This morning I gained new knowledge. I've learned to pay close attention when Mom starts out the conversation with, "Now, please don't be mad at me, but..."

Mom went to see her doctor yesterday. Who, by coincidence and small-town physician availability, also happens to be MY doctor. He's a fine fellow, with a U.S. Army Certificate of Commendation framed and hanging on his exam room wall. His wife used to be a nurse practitioner, but gave all that up to stay home with their kids. The doctor business must be booming.

Anyhoo, you might recall that I had my own doctor's appointment on one of my seven snow days. I declare! What meteorologist does one have to have carnal knowledge of in order to use up one of one's ten sick days that will be absorbed into the vast sucking quagmire of institutional incidental funds if not used by the end of the school year?

So, anyhoo...Doc had sniffed out my little writing hobby a few visits back, in one of his personal conversations in which he endeavors to determine whether a patient is succumbing to the throes of pre-Atzheimer's, or is quite possibly a ticking time bomb in need of diffusion. I mentioned that I had a couple of stories being published, and Doc said, "Bring me a book!" When I did, he furthermore stated, "This is the best part of my job--finding out what people do." I'm sure that is running neck and neck and neck in a close three-way tie with giving proctological exams and lancing buttocks boils.

Let's see...anyhoo...in their personal chat, Mom asked Doc, "So, did you get some books from Val Thevictorian the other day?"

Doc said, "Yes! They're on my nightstand." Which in itself might be a fact that some folks would find disturbing, that their doctor falls asleep, perhaps, with visions of them dancing in his head.

Mom couldn't help herself. I am a commodity with a price above rubies. Or at least worth $15 (merchandise included). She proudly declared, "That's my daughter."

Doc said, "I didn't know that! She is a unique individual."

Uh huh. Like the pediatrician described an ugly baby and Elaine Benes as breathtaking, my general practitioner has his own code-speak: unique individual.

I can't wait until my next doctor's appointment, so I can bring up the topic of an intervention to deal with Mom's slaw addiction.