Friday, December 20, 2013

Got Your Nose!

I suppose I got off easy, with only a single nose in my desk.

I warned the students as they entered my classroom: "I'd better not find a pile of eyes and noses on my floor!" Of course they agreed. No eyes or noses. Not from them! Whatever was I thinking? But you know how it is. You have to specify. It's not enough to simply assume kids understand that leaving behind eyes and noses is improper. A violation of Mrs. Thevictorian's Don't-Do-It List.

The dismembering began, and I tried to remain calm. They had promised, had they not? One lad did his part by scavenging all the eyeballs. In fact, he had a whole handful. "See, Mrs. Thevictorian? Eyes! I won't let any get left on the floor. I'll take them all. The other kids can give them to ME. I'll take care of them. You can never have too many eyeballs." I commend his effort. Not so sure how his mom will feel when he gets home.

Midway through fourth hour, I saw that I should have been more specific in my rules. No, it wasn't the question, "Can I stab my brother?" I'm used to that. It was the question, "Do you have any scissors? That I can borrow?" Hmm...now why would a student want scissors? Even the would-be brother-stabber did not ask for a weapon.

"Why do you need scissors?"

"To cut this in half."

"Um. No." Indeed. I should have specified: "No eyes, no noses, no antlers!"

At the 10:53 lunch shift, a generous scholastic club passed out candy canes to any student who wanted one. Candy canes decorated with googly eyes, hard plastic or puff-ball noses, and pipe-cleaner antlers. It would have been cruel to deny the kiddies the chance to eat their reindeers in my classroom during a showing of the fictional climate-themed movie, "The Day After Tomorrow." It's the day before Christmas break. Finals have been put off until the week after vacation, thanks to our seven snow days. Let it never be said that Mrs. Thevictorian is a grinch.

Have you ever observed a ninth-grader devouring a candy cane? It is not a sight for the squeamish. Some hone the end to a weapons-grade point. Others slam it on the desk until it becomes crumbs. A few peel back the cellophane a tiny bit while slurping at the end, then a tiny bit more, and a tiny bit more. When they are done, they look like a toddler dipped in Karo syrup. "Can I go wash my hands? They're sticky."

"No. The door will lock you out. We don't need people roaming the halls. Go use the Germ-X."

Yes. There's a method to my madness of forking over hard-earned cash for a couple of giant bottles of Germ-X each year.

A single reindeer nose. I think I got off easy.

7 comments:

  1. I bite the cane in large chunks.

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  2. You old softy, you. I never imagined you'd allow the consumption of...
    wow you sure had me when the kid was collecting eyeballs!

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  3. Yes, that last little bit of time before the break gets ugly. One reindeer nose---you DID get off easy.

    We ended it with 48 eight-year and nine-year olds in one classroom, eating pizza and cupcakes. It got crazy before it got better.

    Enjoy your time off. You can use the break to pamper Hick...

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  4. I don't remember being given things to eat in the classroom. A few treats were distributed but had to be taken home to eat. Of course these Christmas treats were eaten on the walk home.

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  5. Good grief, even pampering Hick sounds better than being in a room full of munching sugared-up kids! And Sioux, I hope you self medicate - I would after 48 little hellions in one room. There is not enough money to pay me what you gals do. Bless you!

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  6. joeh,
    Look out for the nose and eyes!

    *****
    Linda,
    And furthermore, I allowed my afternoon kids from the tech school to keep their McDonald's sodas for the half hour they were in class! Normally, they would have to chug them in the hall, or put them in the locker until after class. It's Christmas, darn it!

    ******
    Sioux,
    How could you even fit 48 in one room? Oh. They're smaller than my students. You might lose an arm if you had 48 of my kids with pizza up for grabs.

    *****
    Stephen,
    What? No class parties? We had them all the time. Now I hear tell that the elementary kids can only have treats brought by the designated room mothers, and all must be pre-packaged, with NO peanuts.

    *****
    knancy,
    The thing is...I knew my time with those kids was temporary. My time with Hick is infernal. I mean eternal.

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  7. Good god almighty you make me laugh out loud! Eternally.

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