You'd Think She Was Talking About Jimmy Choos

My mom is at it again. I called her last night to see what she'd been up to fishing for a blog story, and she did not disappoint.

"You know how I said I was getting out today to run over to The Dollar Tree? I put it off, and put it off, and finally, around 2:30, I thought, 'If I don't go now, I'm never going to go. And it's supposed to snow later this week, so I'll want to stay in.'"

I don't know what was so urgent about The Dollar Tree. It's not like they sell bread and milk, the official storm staples. But that was the destination. Mom had even asked me earlier in the day, when I stopped by after my bloodletting, if there was anything she could pick up for me. No. Nothing came to mind, except Cookie Dough Bites for The Pony to take to our next movie. And since he was not impressed with the previews, he did not have a pressing need for Dough.

"I was getting ready, and you're not going to believe this, but I decided to wear my gray sweatpants. You know, the ones with the hole? Well, I sewed up that hole, but it's coming loose. I decided that I didn't care. They're comfortable."

Perhaps she was just needing attention, and wanted to pirouette about The Dollar Tree showing off her hole. Not like that. Like when she told the entire contingent of dining room customers and counter help at Arby's.
I have a hole in my sweatpants!"

"I DID change my shoes. I was going to wear those ones that I have on all the time. You know. Those white Nikes. But they're a mess. I tried to clean them, but you couldn't even tell the difference."

"Did you use baby wipes? That's what I always cleaned the boys' shoes with. They work wonders."

"No. I don't have any baby wipes. I didn't know they clean shoes. I used Comet."

"You used COMET on your shoe soles?"

"No. Not on the soles."

"You used Comet on the LEATHER?"

"Well, I guess I did. It didn't help any. So I decided to wear my black tennis shoes. They look good with those gray sweatpants. But they're just not comfortable. I can wear those white ones all day, and my feet and legs don't hurt. But they were just too dirty to wear out in public like that."

"Yeah. They might have distracted people from the hole in your sweatpants."

"Oh, you're terrible! The Dollar Tree was SO busy. There were only two parking spaces out front. I hate it when the store is crowded. I get all nervous. I hurried up and bought some cornbread and some beans. I'm going to cook it with that leftover ham bone from Thanksgiving. I rushed out to the car, and I was so glad to be out of there that I completely forgot that I was going to drive through Burger King and pick up three of those dollar pork sandwiches to put in the freezer and have if I get snowed in."

"Well, at least you'll have beans and cornbread."

"Mmm...that's going to be so good. I have an onion to slice with it, too."

"And you can wear your dirty white shoes and be comfortable."

"That's right. I'm ready for the snow."

We won't go into the part where she decided her truck needed to run for a while to make sure the battery wasn't dead, so she started it up and let it run for ten minutes, because my nephew the son of my sister the ex-mayor's wife told her she didn't have to drive the truck to charge the battery, so she just left it in the attached garage, running.

Yeah. I tried to set her straight on carbon monoxide, and how she should back the truck out of the garage, into the open air, before trying that stunt again. But let's be realistic. This is the woman who decked herself out in uncomfortable shoes because they looked nicer, to wear along with her gray holey sweatpants.

Mom marches to her own drummer. In uncomfortable shoes.