I Would Walk 200 Feet

Sorry, I can't get that "500 Miles" song out of my head. It's on my playlist that I listen to when I scratch my lottery winners tickets, and the tale Hick told on Tuesday reminded me of it. You know Hick. What comes out of his mouth is not always what his brain thinks it's revealing.

"I went to talk to the people at the city. The lady there told me I have to walk around 200 feet to hand each person a handwritten letter and then they will think about it and see if we can split the flip houses."

"Um. Okay. I'm not sure about this. A HANDWRITTEN letter? Do you mean one that you make up in your head, and then type out? Or do you mean an actual letter written with your hands?"

"I mean we don't need no lawyer. Just a handwritten letter that you can type and I'll go make copies of."

"So you have to go to the meeting and walk around and hand it to each person on the committee? I don't get the 200 feet. Are they that far apart at the meeting? What if somebody needs a scooter to get around?"

"It's not to hand them to the committee, Val! I have to get on the agenda for the scheduled meeting, and that gal I talked to will make sure they all have a copy of the letter."

"The handwritten letter that I'm going to type up for you to make copies."

"Yes!"

"You're gonna have to help me out here. I still don't know what you're talking about."

"You cain't understand NOTHIN'! They're going to give me a map with a circle on it. I have to walk around and hand out a copy of the letter to houses within 200 feet of the flip house."

"Oh. That makes more sense. So you just put it in their mailbox? That's illegal!"

"I knock on their door and hand it to them, and tell them what it says. That we want to split the property. And if they have any objections, they go to the meeting and tell the Planning and Zoning Commission. They have 15 days to do it. We don't have to mail it certified letter. If they're not home, I can stick it in their door or put it in their mailbox."

"The letter that might be handwritten or typed."

"It's just a LETTER! We don't need no lawyer to draw it up. Just a letter telling them what we want to do! And I have to walk the property and measure it, and give them a picture showing where I want to divide it. And the lady will put the Lot and Plat number on it for the county, unless you have that from the tax bills you just paid, and you can write it on there."

"Then how is the county going to know to send out future tax bills?"

"IF the whole thing gets approved by the Planning and Zoning Commission, we have to get a surveyor to split the property, and then we tell the county so they know to give it a different number."

"That sounds really confusing. But promising. Like it might not be impossible to split it."

"I can't imagine anybody around there objecting. I don't think 200 feet will even reach any other houses on that one side. Across from the Beauty Shop is a preacher, so he will understand what we want to do. (?) And on the side is the guy we bought it from, and next to him is his grown daughter. They won't care. Across the side street is them guys renovating that big house. They don't care. And across the alley is that two-unit apartment. So I can't imagine that owner would object."

"Are you going to tell them that you want to split it so you can sell it easier, rather than have an investor buy it to rent?"

"I ain't tellin' them nothing except we want to split it into two properties. The commission knows why. But I don't think the people need to know."

"If I was living there, I'd rather have neighbors who BOUGHT the house. They're more likely to take care of it than a stream of renters."

"Yeah. I might tell them if they ask me why. That I don't want to rent the houses and have them tore up. I'd rather sell them separately than rent the two."

"I imagine people are not going to open their door. They'll pretend they're not home, because they'll see some crazy guy with a paper knocking on their door. So you'll just be leaving the letter for them."

"Maybe."

It looks like the task of splitting the Double Hovel will take several steps, and a bit of time, but it doesn't seem impossible. That's a good thing.