Friday, October 13, 2017

Back-of-the-Book-Blurb Friday #80 "Toucan Pam"

Blog buddy Sioux is hosting Back-of-the-Book-Blurb Friday. I have 150 words to convince you to fake-buy my fake book. Are you intrigued by models? Runway models, underwear models, Sears catalog models? Too bad! This week, Val's fake book is about HAND models. One of them anyway. And it's not George Costanza wearing oven mitts. Fake order your fake copy today, and immerse yourself in the glamorous world of hand modeling. As a special promotion, Val will give a virtual high-five to the first fifty customers!

Toucan Pam

Pam Martin is no spring chicken. She'll date any old coot on a lark. If he proves cuckoo, it doesn't ruffle Pam's tail feathers. Loons know better than to mess with Pam, especially after her latest stint in the nuthatch. She’s swift to rail at them like a screech owl, and turns into a nutcracker if a creeper snipes back at her.

Pam's profitable career as a hand model has pigeon-holed her as Toucan Pam, her most famous ad campaign. Pam tries not to grouse about her fall in the pecking order. As agent after agent migrates away from her, Pam must swallow her pride, and feather her nest with income from commercial residuals, to build a house and raise a brood. Pam is watching a local crane driver, Jay, like a hawk. Will Jay try robbin' Pam with his fees? Or will he just put it on her bill? (150 words)


Fake Reviews for Val’s Fake Book

Buzzard..."On behalf of carrion consumers everywhere, I must declare this fake book rancid. Even I was unable to finish it. The fake author is dead to me!"

Alfred Hitchcock..."I was NOT thrilled to read this fake book. It is a horror, but not the profitable kind. I've a good mind to toss it out the rear window. I have a suspicion, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the fake author is some kind of notorious psycho. Our only hope to avoid such un-spellbound fake reading in the future is if the lady vanishes. I think it can be arranged."

Ostrich..."I'm putting my head in the sand and pretending this fake book never happened. I'd sooner be made into wallets and cowboy boots than ever fake-read one of Thevictorian's fake books again."

Parakeet..."Cover my cage! Cover my cage! I just saw this fake book laying open on the table, and I must not be exposed to it for one more second! I will gladly sleep the sleep of Rip Van Winkle if I can just be spared one more glance at this fake book!"

Seven Swans a-Swimming..."Even if we turned into nuclear-powered submarines, we could not get away from this fake book fast enough! Thevictorian's fake book is the very definition of an ugly duckling. It can never aspire to become a beautiful best-seller."

Six Geese a-Laying..."Thevictorian has laid an egg with this fake book. And it's ROTTEN!"

Four Calling Birds..."We just called to say that this fake book is something that we could drop from a tree limb or electric wire onto the windshield of your car. It STINKS! And unfortunately, Thevictorian seems to be full of it."

Three French Hens..."Oui, oui! Les amis the calling birds are correct! This fake book is merde!" 

Two Turtle Doves..."This fake book is the only thing that could separate us from one another. We both hate it with the heat of 10,000 suns, and almost roasted ourselves before donating it to Rebecca DeMornay down at the homeless center."

Partridge in a Pear Tree..."O pear tree, o pear could your relatives be a party to the paper-production for the making of this fake book? I feel so betrayed! These pages are not fit to line cages!"


  1. At first I thought I couldn't wait to get my hands on this fake book, but all of a sudden I don't have a good feeling about it. I wasn't sure where the feeling was coming from then I saw the picture of Toucan Pam and realized that I'd have a hard time handing over my hardly earned fake money to a face that looks like a hand...I guess no High Fives for me.

    1. Many people seem to "not have a good feeling" about Val's fake books!

  2. The fake reviews are much better than the fake book. I won't be handing over any fake money.

    1. Don't you hate it when someone publishes the same comment before you can?

    2. Dang! People sure are real miserly with their fake money! Maybe I should just chuck the whole fake book writing career, and open a book review business.

      Like a child who only eats enough of the meal to be allowed dessert...I rush through the fake book to get to the reviews.

  3. Val--I counted 21 bird references in your blurb. Did I miss one?

    Thanks for playing along. I keep meaning to write reviews, but I know mine would pale next to yours...

    1. Actually, there were 25. I knew you would catch on to that theme!

      Your reviews would be "breathtaking!" The reviews are more fun than the fake book. To me, anyway!

  4. I hope someone sees Pam's ads and wants to hire her for a multimillion dollar project!

    1. Maybe as Pam gets older, age spots can help her get work as a cheetah or a leopard!