Monday, November 28, 2016

Val Certainly Hopes No Other Idiots Out There Think You Can Get Parts to Fix Your Car at Auto Zone

Some days, Val is simply (simple being the active ingredient in this insult) too stupid to live, if you consult Hick on the subject. Which I don't know why you would. It's not like he runs a consulting service. He can barely open a pack of bologna for himself.

All last week, when he was on vacation from work, Hick had time to ridicule Val. Like when she worried that The Pony had left his clip-on sunglasses in his dorm room, and didn't have them for the drive back on Sunday. You may remember that it's about a 9 hour drive, depending on which route one takes through Oklahoma. For sure Hick should remember that, wouldn't you think? He's driven it more than anyone else.

Hick told The Pony they were leaving home at 6:00 a.m. Sunday. Fresh on the bent wheels of The Pony's accident, Hick wanted to alternate driving with him part way. So he was rested and could finish the final leg himself, in his replacement car. The plan was for HOS (Hick's Oldest Son) to drive along with them just across the Missouri border, then Hick would get out and ride back with HOS while The Pony continued on into Oklahoma.

Hick was having none of Val's concerns about The Pony searing his retinas while barreling into the sunset.

"Val. We're leaving here at 6:00 a.m. It's going to be dark. And even when the sun comes up, it will be BEHIND us!"

He chuckled and shook his head like Val was the equivalent of Poor Dumb Ann's even dumber brother, Cubby, who did not learn to walk down the porch steps until he was about 6 months old, and then chose to take a nap under Hick's truck and not get up when Hick started it to drive to town. Val was having none of Hick's condescension.

"Huh. When he's headed across Oklahoma to Norman, The Pony will be going WEST. That's straight into the setting sun."

"Val. He'll be getting there around 4:00 o'clock." Again with the smirk.

I'm not sure what time Hick thinks the sun starts dropping towards the horizon. I'm sure it's a little later in Oklahoma, but around here, the sun has set by 4:45, and comes in harshly on MY retinas by 4:00 as I'm driveway walking. Anyhoo...that's just one example. The real reason for today's post is to show you Hick's handiwork on T-Hoe's rear passenger window. And how he ridiculed me concerning his technique.

When we last convened, Hick and Val and The Pony and T-Hoe were sitting under a light in four parking spaces on the Menard's parking lot, with a weirdo pulling in beside them.

Hick had The Pony hold the glass up while he looked for something to stuff in the crack.

"Do we have anything in here to wedge in and hold this up?"

"Not that I know of."

"Oh, Dad. These oil containers in this Walmart sack between the seats? One of them is leaking. I moved it so I had room for my feet, and there was some on the funnel."

"Wait. That's probably just from the funnel. I screwed the lids back on tight. That's my Walmart funnel. When I put in two quarts on their parking lot. My Casey's funnel is at home in the garage."

"Okay. I just wanted Dad to know that it's leaking."

"I want Dad to find out WHY my oil is leaking. But he hasn't yet."

"Do we have anything in here or not?"

"Just that calendar that was on the seat. You can fold that up. My Pizza Hut coupon calendar."

Hick folded and stuffed and folded some more and stuffed some more. The glass still slid down when The Pony let go.

"I'll have to figure out something at home. I can't fix it here."

"I can just drive the Acadia tomorrow."

"How are you going to do that? We're taking that to Oklahoma."

"Oh. I thought you were taking your TrailBlazer. You were all willing to let The Pony take it back to school. It was good enough to get HIM there. And you're only going part way."

"Well, there's no reason to take that when we have the Acadia."

"Even if that leaves me with nothing to drive?"

"I'll find a way to hold the window up until I can get it fixed. I'll have to take the door apart. I imagine the cable broke. But I didn't hear the gear when I hit the button."

"Dad. Can't you just use cardboard and duct tape? Like on the Caravan? It lasted a LONG time."

"Do we have any tape in here? Look around, Pony."

"No. We don't have any."

So...we all buckled up and hit the highway, The Pony moving over to sit next to the window glass and hold it up. He said he didn't mind, because his phone was dead. So he didn't need his hands for anything anyway. After a couple of miles, Hick had an epiphany.

"Oh! I should have gone in Menard's for a door wedge to hold it up."

"Well, you can stop at Auto Zone on the way."


Yeah. I'm a regular idiot, it seems, to suggest that you go in Auto Zone to get parts to fix your car window. It seems that what you want to do is go in a lumber store and buy doorstop wooden wedges to use on your CAR WINDOWS! Uh huh. I'm surprised I've lived this long. At least I can open a package of bologna.

Hick was all wound up about needing to find something to fix that window TONIGHT! Because if it was down, the damn cats would be in it. So he decided he would get some of his already-bought wooden doorstop wedges from the BARn. He was going to park T-Hoe and walk over there, until I asked if I was supposed to sit out in the garage and swat cats until he got back. So he drove through our field and parked inches away from the BARn door and went in his people door and got the doorstop wedges and came out and started working on it right there in the light over the BARn door.

Here is Hick's handiwork Sunday morning:

Kind of hard to see there, with the bright reflection of my phone camera on a not-even-sunny day. So here's the view from across the inside of T-Hoe.

It's better than driving around with a window boarded up by cardboard and duct tape, though.


  1. Once again, I'm confused. Maybe I'm getting too old for this.

    1. My blog seems to be hazardous to your mental health. Allegedly.


  2. Replies
    1. Only if you'll open the package for me! Then wrap it up and put it away, too.

  3. Yes, I guess it is better than cardboard and duct tape.

    1. Looks like Hick is growing more sophisticated as he ages!

  4. Mine would have had that door panel off and even if he fixed it, the door panel would still be off! Two of our FIVE vehicles have door panels off. The windows still don't work .....

    1. That's what the guy did who we sold the $1000 Caravan to, for $600 (and he paid us $400). His daughter told me.

      In fact, I brought that up when Hick was wondering what to do about the window. "He had it fixed in not time!"

      "Val. I KNOW it took him three months to fix it. I work with him, you know. I saw it at work." Said the man who had the duct tape and cardboard on that window for well over 6 months. (I know, because I blogged about it already being on there in June 2015, and we sold it in December 2015.)

  5. Hard to believe you couldn't find something else for the ride home, but then we always have lots of crap in out cars, being a bit slippy helps when a window won't stay up.

    1. We are low on junk in T-Hoe since The Pony moved off to college.

  6. I think Hick and MY significant other are brothers from different mothers.

    I too crawled out from under a rock yesterday. It's amazing I survived until I met my hubby.

    1. I have faith in your abilities. You were smart enough not to get arrested when the employees of the gas station chicken store gave you the bum's rush!

      Perhaps putting a picture of your head-on-a-stick on the soda fountain drainage area was not the wisest choice, what with drawing attention to yourself anyway by snapping photos like you were going to make them party to a lawsuit...

  7. He shimmed the window? That's a shimming shame. Oh girl, retirement is going to hurt. No, ache!

    1. Oh, he shimmed, baby! He shimmed!

      I need to find some desensitization techniques that will prepare me for having him home all day.