Go Ahead, Make Her Day
Sal Thethicktorian works on commission. The more bottles of over-priced perfume she sells, the more her bank account expands. Don't even walk by the fragrance counter if you don't plan to fund Sal's firearms fund. This whole salesclerk gig is not only a means for Sal to buy her play-pretties, it's also a cover for Sal's REAL line of work. BO Assassin.
By day, Sal squirts unsuspecting customers with scents. By later-in-the-day, Sal travels the city, a mercenary stink-alleviator. Sal's means do not always justify by her ends. Sal's ends are permanent. She ain't shootin' scent, and she ain't shootin' blanks. Sal sends those stinkers to high heaven. Or the other direction. You have to know someone to hire Sal.
Which high-profile client is in the market for Sal's services? And who do they want sniffed out? (137 words)
Fake Reviews for Val’s Fake BookLimburger..."This spoiled author has curdled my taste for fake books. Her cheesy effort has spread thin my tolerance for future fake works churned out by Val Thevictorian."
Dog Poop…"This fake book is a steaming pile that somebody needs to clean up. I can't believe the publisher didn't relieve themselves of this piece of crap rather than let it hit the fake-book stores."
Durian…"Like me, this fake book should never be opened in a poorly-ventilated, densely populated area. Somebody could be trampled in an effort to escape the stench that is Val Thevictorian's fake writing.”
That Valet Parking Attendant From Seinfeld..."Not even a BUM would accept THIS fake book for FREE! Good luck getting rid of it. You'd have a better chance donating a toilet book to Rebecca DeMornay's homeless shelter."
Rotten Potato…"The eyes have it. Thevictorian's premise is half-baked at best. This fake book made me wish I was loaded. This author deserves to be sliced on a spiral, a stick inserted through her middle, and deep fried in oil.”
Tomato Juice…"There IS no remedy for the odor this author's fake book leaves behind.”
That Sniffer Who Tests Armpits For Deodorant Companies..."You couldn't pay me enough to read this stinker! I tried, but my gag reflex was working overtime, and I don't get paid for overtime."
The Flatulence of a Teenage Boy After Eating a Crave Case of White Castles..."What died inside Thevictorian for THIS fake work to come out of her? I only read two pages, because my teacher assigned it, but I had to quit because I thought I might puke. This fake book cleared out my classroom faster than a fire drill during the first week of classes."
Denmark…"Something is rotten in the state of Thevictorian's gray matter! I don't know whose butt the author's head was up to get this fake book published, but it smells like they had been sitting on it during an 18-hour trip across the southern United States in an unconditioned auto with vinyl seats. During late July."
Junior High Gym Locker..."I don't mean to brag, but Thevictorian's book could use ME as an air-freshener. This fake book reeks."
Odor Eaters..."We'd like to give this author a swift kick in the pants. Her malodorous fake work is a literary miasma. Even WE can't alleviate the rancidity that emanates from this fake tome."