Thursday, July 31, 2014

There Is the Edge of Well-Roundedness, and Then There Is the Circumference

A few posts back, I made an announcement which revealed that Backroads is being dragged from the Dark Ages and into modern times, what with the grand opening of its first gay bar, which featured a show with four drag queens. A very special commenter suggested that I might have a good time and get some great stories if I attended such a show. To which I replied, "What makes you think I've never been to a drag show?" Seriously, people. I've been to college!

Among other facts you may not know about Val, she has enjoyed the following pastimes...

Hiked Through the Valley of the Shadow of Roosevelt's Nose.
Okay. Most people just call it Mount Rushmore. But I prefer the terminology from Emmylou Harris in The Ballad of Sally Rose.

Walked the Streets of the Combat Zone in Boston. Yeah. Not THAT kind of street-walking, but I stayed in a hotel there, and walked the Freedom Trail.

Had Her Power Disconnected for Non-payment. Trumped-up charges, I assure you. Of course it happened on the hottest day of the summer. Thank goodness I was a hoarder who saved cancelled checks, and drove to the utility company forthwith to present proof for reconnection.

Dipped Her Tootsies in the Atlantic Ocean. And ran along the beach, and shared a room with a Japanese foreign exchange student who though the shower curtain hung outside the tub, and shared a bed with a 17-year-old married gal who made it a point to announce that she did not wear panties.

Flew Over the Pacific Ocean in a Four-Seat Float Plane. Sure, that was part of the rescue after becoming a castaway on an Alaskan island. Still. How many of YOU have done it?

Partied at the St. Louis Strassenfest. Yes. This used to be a real festival, complete with buckets of beer and overcrowded port-a-potties. Did you know that some people regard the secluded bottom of concrete stairwells as perm-a-potties?

Permanently Damaged Her Knuckles Riding Down the Switchbacks of Pike's Peak in an Olds 98. I am not a fan of heights.

Shopped at a Womyn's Bookstore in Kansas City, MO. Who knew people owning a bookstore would be so bad at spelling?

Attended the St. Louis Symphony. Twice. I'm a sucker for a good oboe.

Went on an El Camino Hayride Through the Streets of the Queen City of the Ozarks. Hayrides ain't just for the country, you know. You'd be amazed how much attention you get from other drivers.

Engaged in the Walk of Shame Through the Dorm Lobby and Up the Elevator. For purely platonic reasons. One can spend the night at the apartment of one's best friend's boyfriend without any hanky panky, just a quest for a good night's sleep, you know.

Visited an Adult Bookstore. Did you know they show movies there in little booths? And sometimes guys invite you in to watch one for free!

Saw a Movie at a XXX Theater. Because sometimes, you just want that full-screen experience, and sometimes, you just want to pay your own way, and sometimes, peer pressure is quite hard to resist.

Crossed the Mighty Mississippi on a Raft. Okay, it was a ferry made to haul cars across, but I can imagine myself a modern-day female Huck Finn if I want.

Camped Overnight in Tents for an Entire Weekend in a Cow Field with a Gaggle of Teachers. Teachers can really let down their hair when prying eyes do not follow them onto private property.

Was Set Up as the Getaway Driver in a Dine-and-Dash Caper. I'm not proud. It's that peer pressure thing again.

Watched a Drag Show with a Raucous Crowd. Can you believe that the venue was not in a good part of town?

Sang Along at a Rock Concert. But strangely enough, I don't remember much except the...ahem...smoky atmosphere, and that curb my driver's car jumped on the way INTO the parking lot.

Sat in the Seats of Busch Stadium to See Bob Gibson Pitch a Speedy Victory. More than once. Gibby ROCKED!

Visited the St. Louis Art Museum. My reaction vacillated between that of Ferris Bueller's friend Cameron being sucked into A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte, and Chevy Chase viewing the Grand Canyon in National Lampoon's Vacation.

Was Called "Cheap-A$$ Backroads" at a Cafeteria Chain Below the Mason-Dixon Line. Hey! I wasn't the only cheap-a$$! My fellow seniors and I were shocked, SHOCKED, that we were not considered capable of carrying our own tray of food a few feet to a table to eat it.

Cheered Loudly from the Audience at Performances of Joan Rivers, Jerry Seinfeld, and Kathy Griffin at The Fabulous Fox. Because I am a highbrow.

Oh, and Let's Not Forget that Tractor Pull...

Val is well rounded for a Backroadsian. Some might call her positively rotund.


  1. And don't forget those watercress sandwiches you ate with Sioux. That spot of tea should be right up there in your top 10...

  2. Very impressive stuff!

    I once finished three dirty water cocktails, and set up a flat rock fish trap in a creek. Other than that...nothing.

  3. My accomplishments can't possibly rival yours, but there are several things on your list I've done. I'll leave it to your imagination as to which ones. Take care.

  4. Very well rounded in experiences, Val. I'm wondering if your momma would raise her eyebrows at any of those revelations (and then just nod her head with an "I'm not surprised" face) like I did when my grown up kids (at least chronologically) started spilling beans about things they never told me they did when they were barely old enough to vote. Of course I entered the adult world with absolutely NO experience in the wild and crazy.

  5. Sioux,
    To forget the watercress sandwiches, I would first have to remember the watercress sandwiches. I can't explain that missing memory. Perhaps they were so delicious, and the company so stellar, that I momentarily blacked out?

    That's all ya got? Obviously, you needed more dirty water cocktails!

    I'm going to imagine that you have done them all, with the exception of the walk of shame, and having your electricity disconnected through no fault of your own.

    Well, I don't want to toot my own horn here, but I certainly think of myself as rotund in the well-roundedness category. My mother used to call me every Sunday morning after I went away to college, and would start the conversation with, "Is someone there?" Not sure what she was getting at...

  6. Wow, I am impressed! Maybe I should host a camp night for bloggers .... just the ones I like. You could all spend the day with me in the store, peering out the tinted windows, poking fun at the locals. May not be your idea of a good time ....

  7. Kathy,
    I don't know if I would feel safe. What if somebody ran over my foot with their big ol' trailer, in spite of all your signage declaring, "Keep Off Val's Foot!"