Thursday, April 24, 2014

Only Duty Kept Me There as Part of the Captive Audience

I know that I am not the most scintillating of conversationalists. Sometimes it is all I can do to nod and grunt. I try to keep my mouth shut if I don't have anything to contribute. And it seems rude to start up a whole new topic when two or three people at the teacher lunch table are really in the groove, discussing proper in-car eating etiquette, like how if you drop a fast-food sandwich on the floor of the car you just drove off the lot, it's pretty safe to eat, because the floor is NEW! It came from the factory, having been protected from mechanics' and salesmen's feet by a layer of cardboard for the five miles that are on the odometer.

Did you ever want to jab knitting needles in your eyes to put an end to a discussion?

Sometimes, there are two such scintillating conversationalists sitting side by side at the table of misfit stories. Two zippered-lip luncheoners who are counting the seconds on the clock, which seems to be moving backwards like the one in Joel's classroom in Risky Business.

I leaned over to my lunch cohort, Tomato-Squirter, and whispered, "I wish I had brought some paint so we could watch it dry."

Tomorrow, we will be prepared.


  1. Oh the humanity...still funny.

    You could always look outside and watch the grass grow.

  2. I love the "Dense Ones," the ones who make idiotic comments, comments that are stupider than the dialogue in the movie "Flashdance."

    After listening to their contributions, you really do need knitting needles...

  3. That's when you get a ketchup packet, aim it in their direction and smash it.

  4. If nothing else, they make for good stories! I'll have to steal your line about the knitting needles and send that to my daughter! Ha.

  5. I'm just impressed there are teachers who can afford brand new cars and don't talk about kids over their twenty three minutes of lunch.

  6. joeh,
    Excuse me, sir, but just because we live in Missouri does not mean that grass is within eye's reach everywhere, all the time. You must think grass grows on trees!

    First of all, our cafeteria has nary a view of the wide open spaces. We may contemplate two gym doors with a concrete block wall between them, a glass cabinet holding a suit worn by Ferlin Husky, a trophy case for the academic team, a storage room door, a closed silver-metal roll-down door at a snack counter, the hallway, a trophy case for the band, and the doors to the kitchen. Bon appetit.

    Just the other day, one of them mentioned that you needed a real heavy stomach to eat spicy sausages. I think, perhaps, the adjective she was seeking was "cast-iron". Otherwise, I would be a champ at eating spicy sausages.

    Yes, we have no ketchup packets. We have a giant can with a spout lid. But it would be great if we could commandeer that ketchup can and commence to squirtin'.

    What a loving thing for a mother to do! Send her daughter information about stabbing knitting needles into her eyes when bored. All my mom does is give me five dollars every now and then.

    Let the record show that the previous car that was seven years old was not paid off at the time it was traded in. I learned that much before my knitting needles arrived concealed in a sandwich from Jimmy John's. Because they get there FAST!

  7. Sometimes a conversation can seem to go on forever. Funny post.

  8. Stephen,
    And sometimes, a blog post can go on forever. Or am I just reading between the lines of a perfectly innocent comment, consumed with guilt that my writing is not always scintillating?