Maybe I Can Set Up a Punch and Judy Stage Where Her TV Used To Be

My mom paid a surprise visit to school today. She usually does not drop in on me. Even though it was after hours, a whole FIVE minutes after the dismissal bell, I was a bit apprehensive.

One does not drop in with good news. Not even my mom. So I figured something was wrong, or she'd done something she wanted to confess. First I thought perhaps she had backed her Blazer into a garage support. Or let workmen into her house without checking their credentials. I was not so much concerned about her health, because I knew she did not have a doctor's appointment, and she exhibited no cuts, no bruises, no blood, no limp.

Mom has been wanting to dump her cable provider. She has her phone, TV, and internet all through the same company. Now she's got a bee in her bonnet because some big change is coming up. To hear Mom tell it, they're going completely digital, and will have a thousand channels. Mom does not want a thousand channels.

"I have not been happy with them for quite a while. I am going back to AT&T for my phone, and getting DISH Network for my TV, and only keeping the cable for the fast internet that The Pony likes."

"Mom. You don't have to have a thousand channels."

"Well, that's what it said. I have enough trouble with the ones I have now. I don't know the numbers. I click through to get to what I want. It's bad enough with 50 channels."

"Mom. You can program your remote for the ones you want. I'm sure Genius could do it when he's home."

"No. I'm going to see what AT&T has. I might even get internet from them, too. I'm going over to the store to talk to them and tell them what I want."

That was on Monday. As you might imagine, the plan did not quite solve Mom's problem.

"I don't know any more now than when I went over there. This man was very nice, but he had no idea what I wanted. And he kept asking me what I paid my cable company. Then he said he'd need to see my cable bill. and I thought, 'He doesn't have any business looking at my cable bill.' So I told him I'd think about it, and I left."

"Huh. He's probably wanting to see what you paid for cable, and offer you a plan for a few dollars less."

"I think so. Why else would he need to see my bill?"

Today, Mom was all flustered. "I just came by to tell you what I've done. I called DISH Network to see about getting a dish installed for my TV. I told them how much you like yours, and we went through everything that I need, got it all set up, and then the man asked for my credit card information. So I told him, 'I don't have a credit card. I'm not going to pay by credit card. I want to get a bill in the mail and pay it by check.' But he kept saying he couldn't give me an account without a credit card. So I told him he would have to, because I don't have one. And he said, 'Don't you have a daughter?' And I told him yes, that I would talk to you, and he said he would call me back this afternoon."

"Yeah. That's how they are. It's probably about the receivers."

"Yes. He said he needs a credit card so they can make sure I return their receivers. But the more I thought about it, the more I think, 'Why should YOU be responsible for my DISH bill?' And I'm just going to tell him that he must not want my business very much if he can't find a way to get me service without a credit card."

"It's not that I don't trust you, Mom, but I don't really want your account linked to my credit card. If you really want it, I'll do it. But I just want you to know I'd rather not."

"Oh, I agree."

"They can send a man out with the dish and the receivers, and he can take a check. Or cash. Then their receivers are paid for. If they really want your business, I think they can find a way. What they really want is a credit card so they can automatically charge you every month for your service. They've tried for years to get us to do that, and I won't. I want that paper bill, and I'll pay it and know when it's been paid. Not risk an 'error' where too much is charged, or too many months, or their accounts are hacked, or some other little problem. OnStar and SiriusXM Radio try to do that, too. Nope. Not for me. I make them bill me, I write a check, and I've been getting my service. I'd barter with them for a basket of eggs if I thought I could get away with it."

"Well, I just wanted you to know, in case they call you, that I did mention that you already had DISH."

"Great, Mom! Now they know I have a credit card! If they call me, I'm going to say, 'I never heard of that lady. She's trying to scam you.' I'm sure that will help you get your DISH. This is like when we went to get Genius his first iPhone. We waited about an hour in that store, then got the order all written up, and they wanted my credit card. I told them I was paying cash. Nope. Can't take cash. Can't take check. Can't take debit. Credit card or no iPhone. I used my credit card, because it was for Genius, and he was almost starting to cry after waiting so long for an iPhone. The old man and lady with the other clerk got to that credit card point, and the man said, 'Forget it!' and they walked out. I wished that was me."

"I am going to find a way to get rid of my cable some way. But when that DISH man calls me back, I'm going to tell him never mind. I'm not using a credit card."

Neither of us has quite recovered from that big TV antenna withdrawal in 2009.