Thursday, July 12, 2012

Anybody Have a Spare Decoder Ring?

There are lots of things I'm not telling you. Not because I'm secretive, but because I can't remember what I wanted to tell you.

I have a little file where I stash my scathingly brilliant ideas. On days when I don't spy something shiny and sit down to wing it, I peep into that file. I'm sure you all have one. Cathy C. Hall says we need more. More notes to ourselves. I suppose the reasoning there is that with more, at least a couple of them will make sense. So with that concept in mind, I would like to share some of the scathing brilliance that has been languishing in my Write Now file.

1) If you give Farmer H directions/chicken jelly/green beans/pans/Genius not eat

2) class county mice beat by 36 / name off program / facilities

3) Moonshiner popcorn

4) Bone rabbit graveyard delivery men wrong house

5) Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks at the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth.

6) The complete lyrics of All Summer Long by Kid Rock

7) Tuna salad, though tasty, is best NOT mixed with a metal fork in a Styrofoam bowl

8) Shoes were mine

9) Dog snouts poking like sharks at a bloody piece of meat, tail whipping like a cane for a hooligan

10) Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the left here I am stuck in the middle turn lane

11) Snakes/flag/tread/ME/copperheads

12) Scream and pull hair out more effective that pull hair out and scream

13) Fatfare for the Common Woman TM trademark not tmi

There you have it. A baker's dozen of Val's tasty puff pieces that don't ring a bell. A couple of them kind of set off a weak buzzing sound...but no bell-ringers. Although it seems like I had an issue making tuna salad. And that one is a quote from Illusions, by Richard Bach. Not that I know what significance it has to something I wanted to write.

What cryptic note do you have laying around? Or, if you're not a note-taker, what scenario could have inspired one of my ideas listed above?


  1. Those are great. I jot mine down on the edge of the calendar. The next months I transcribe what I can read to the edge of the next month's calendar. I don't see any I've followed up on. Apparently all the good ones were indecipherable.

  2. Moonshiner popcorn. I saw that advertised; it's not even available in the "as seen on TV" aisle in Walgreens--you MUST follow the directions on the television ad to place an order.

    It's the popcorn that moonshiners munch on while they're brewing up their brew. They hate to wait until it's "done" before they can get inebriated, so this is popcorn that is soaked in whiskey; it ends up being 90 proof, but is no longer crunchy.

    Or, maybe I'm confusing it with the popcorn that freakish fans of Cher and Nicholas Cage eat when watching "Moonshine." I'm not sure...

  3. I will not touch any of these. You have definitely been drinking Ovaltine and I am sorely disappointed. Thought that was over with when you got off the MayPo. Eww! I hope you didn't order those ripoffs from the back of comic books (as much as you probably wanted), but I bet WHN (what's his name) hubby did. Not that you should check the BARn - eww, again. However, I would love to see you do a post on Oona and her secret little world. I miss her.

  4. I don't know when I've been so delighted. I am not the only one!!! "Bone Rabbit Graveyard" would make a great name for a Stephen King book, though. Or maybe a rock band.

  5. I write down jokes in case I ever get brave enough to do a stand-up routine. I don't put them into my posts because I'm worried they aren't funny.

  6. Great, I now have the song parading through my brain. I will just change the words ....... Swimmers to the left of me, kampers to the right, here I am stuck in the office again.

    Did you give Farmer H directions on how to make chicken jelly with green beans in a pot, but discovered that Genius is indeed a genius for not eating it? I think Julia Child would call it aspic .... the jelly of the chicken.

  7. Joanne,
    I type mine in a Word file. So I don't have the excuse of not being able to read them. I can read them fine. But they don't make sense.

    Let's not delve too deeply into the moonshine thing. Says Val, whose husband once carried home 20 oz. of high-proof corn likker ON A FREAKIN' AIRPLANE from North Carolina in a Mountain Dew bottle. Yeah. Before all the tight regulation crap. A bomb waiting to happen.

    I actually think I remember this one now. Popcorn was a dude on the show, Moonshiners. I never watched it. But Hick said the guy who gave him the moonshine way back when got it from Popcorn, and now that Popcorn was dead, he couldn't get it any more. That's before the show covered Popcorn's death. But...since I never watched the show, it was kind of hard to make a story out of it.

    Well, I guess I miss Ooona too. Because for the life of me, I can't remember her. Must be all that Ovaltine. The shot-his-eye-out kid from A Christmas Story taught me not to order the decoder ring. I did not order anything from a comic book, but the sea monkey thingies wearing crowns were quite tempting. And those x-ray vision glasses. Which just makes me a perv, I suppose.

    Perhaps you would be interested in attending a performance of my garage band, composed of Me, Myself, and I, which goes by the name of Mommy's Got A Headache.

    Well, a lot is lost in the translation. You need the live audience to appreciate the delivery. Perhaps you could moonlight as a teacher. Built-in audience, you know.

    I picture you doing the hula in a grass skirt you made yourself, with arm motions to accentuate the song.

    I would sooner stab an icepick into my ear canal than instruct Farmer H on how to whip up a culinary treat. It's enough to make one scream and pull hair out. Or is that pull hair out and scream?

  8. The crowns just really were funny! It was like they were trying to make them look like some under sea god. Neptune with his trident and crown!

    Oona was a character in the Nancy comic books. She would take you to another place via walking through a fireplace. Comic book science fiction. I, as a Nancy, loved it. I always wanted to go there, but not enough to join scientology, Mr. Hubbard.

  9. knancy,
    I read Nancy in the funny papers, but not the comics. I was more of a Richie Rich/Little Lotta, Archies kind of gal. Which does not imply that my name is Richie, Lotta, or Archie.