Saturday, July 28, 2012

A Sasquatch Warning Label

Do not mess with Sasquatch today, people. Just don't.

Maybe Sasquatch has had a headache from the crack of dawn. A sinus headache that resulted in a pain between the shoulder blades due to muscle tension over the headache.

Maybe Sasquatch was without his right-hand helper all day.

Maybe Sasquatch has tired of telling other Sasquatches in his band not to eat the piece of Devil's Playground chicken that had been lolling about in a baggie since last Sunday, only to have one of them declare it suitable for consumption, and ingest it anyway.

Maybe Sasquatch had to use up a coupon for a free pizza that expires on July 31, and the clerk, after peeping out of the back room for five minutes, waddled to the second cash register, and rudely engaged in a stare-down with Sasquatch, who was lined up at the only open cash register behind one other customer, and in front of five other customers, until Sasquatch had to initiate the announcement of Clerk's grand register opening by asking, "Are you open now?"

Maybe Sasquatch took offense to the sneer and the huff of Clerk, because it is not Sasquatch's fault that the state of the economy requires people to work until the day after death, and Sasquatch pays enough in taxes to support Clerk on disability for a year, if Clerk would only file for it and lay about her home, rather than gimp her way from register to kitchen and back on two braced knees, forgetting that the Sasquatch is always right.

Maybe Sasquatch was irritated that the free pizza he had paid for with self respect was not of the single topping ordered.

Maybe Sasquatch had to endure a lecture from his mate, pertaining to the alleged fact that Mate cannot see Sasquatch while talking on the phone, so it is not really Mate's fault that Mate talks over Sasquatch every single time they converse by cellular microwaves, since everybody knows that a proper conversation is not possible without looking at your fellow conversationalist, those things on the side of your head called ears being of no use whatsoever.

Maybe Sasquatch had to balance a tray of pizza on a paper plate, a plastic cup of ice, a plastic cup of ice water, a 44 oz. Diet Coke, and a pair of bifocals while descending thirteen rail-less stairs into his dark basement lair where he could consume his free pizza unmolested.

Maybe Sasquatch reached the bottom step, step number twelve out of thirteen, when his load shifted, sending the entire paper plate over the edge of the tray like so many idiots in barrels over Niagara Falls, at which point every single slice of the wrong kind of pizza flipped cheese side down on the tile floor trod by barefoot Sasquatches on the way to and from the pool and hot tub.

Maybe Sasquatch just really needs a break today.


  1. Whew! Not a good day! But, thanks for supporting us disabled persons. After working 44 years and paying big time into the system - not only money wise but health wise as I worked in the medical profession, I appreciate your understanding. Most people think that I am getting a hand out. I paid into this for years! I do not get much, but I am thankful for what I do get as I cannot work or do much of anything now. I have a roof over my head and can afford groceries and internet access. That is about it. I don't have TV cable, car, or anything extra. My laptop is my window to the world. (The laptop I saved up and paid cash for while I was working). The people who take advantage of the "system" make it rough for those of us who really need these programs that we pay into all of our lives. I always thought I would work until I keeled over dead. Didn't work out that way. Thank goodness there are people with compassion that set up these programs.

  2. Some days we all need a break, even Sasquatch.

  3. Good lord, why haven't I read about somebody out your way ripping somebody's head off? What a day.

    I had a piece of danish stashed, and someone in this house who said he wouldn't eat that crap for breakfast found it and ate it for lunch.

  4. The whole pizza! That's awful.

  5. Hope Sasquatch finally got to relax in the recliner. What a day.

  6. knancy,
    I do not begrudge such assistance to anybody in need. That's what the programs are for. I DO begrudge free stuff to fakers. You're right. They ruin it for deserving recipients.

    This lady had those black Velcro knee brace thingies over her jeans. Like the ones people wear after knee surgery. Maybe she just had severe arthritis. In any case, if you go to work, you're gonna have to suck it up and work. If you can't work, you should check into disability, not expect to be paid simply for showing up. She did not look like she was faking, but like she shouldn't have been working. would not have hurt her legs to say, "May I help you?" rather than stare me down, daring me to come to her line. It almost turned into Sasquatch vs. Sasquatch.

    Because it's a rough life, evading phone cameras and Google Earth and making sure not to leave hair samples or skeletons or poop where nosy people can find them. Footprints, however, are fair game.

    I manage to keep the bottle tightly corked.

    The secret to saving your treats (Stephen, look away) is to wrap them in foil and put them in the back of the refrigerator, bottom shelf. My friend once saved a chocolate Easter Bunny until September that way. Guys don't want to put that much effort into finding out what's in there.

    Let the record show that it was only all of the slices of pizza on my plate. The rest were safe in a box on the kitchen counter, awaiting Hick's return from Backroads gallivanting. And of further note: floor pizza still tastes as sweet.

    Yes, around 7:00 p.m., Sasquatch and recliner were reunited.

  7. Perhaps she was a nasty person before she had those velcro knees!
    Or, maybe, she just has to work until the disability comes through. It takes a long time with all the government paper work. Who knows? All I know is that I have gotten rude treatment from clerks with no apparent disabilities other than their attitudes! I would think those types of jobs are so frustrating. Hard work, long hours, low pay, condescending bosses, etc. tend to make one quite cynical and especially when most are not well educated to begin with. I am so glad that I was lucky enough to work in the medical and teaching professions so I knew I would always be learning something new everyday. There were still Sasquatch days, though!