My Life in Education Hasn't Hurt Me None

Val may not lead the most exciting life now that she's retired. But she gets herself in enough predicaments that she could probably pitch her own reality show.

Sunday, I was in Country Mart picking up Diet Coke. It wasn't on my list, but I saw that they had 3 six-packs of 20 oz bottles for $9.00. Curiously enough...they had no six-packs of 20 oz bottles. All out. They did, however, have eight-packs of 12 oz bottles for the same price. So I got 3. You had to, to get the special price. They were $3.99 apiece otherwise.

I also saw a sign for Diet Mountain Dew, 5 six-packs of 20 oz bottles, for $10.00. And they even had them on the shelf. Well. That's only $2.00 apiece. I didn't get them. Must be something wrong with them! Heh, heh. Probably not, but I was already going to be weighted down with my Diet Coke. So I figured I'd tell Hick about it, and he could go get some for himself. What else has he got to do, anyway? He's retired.

Anyhoo...I went on and picked up my list items of bananas, onions, hoisen sauce, and ice cream. The ice cream wasn't even for me. It was for Hick. The little party size plastic cups of vanilla, with a strawberry and chocolate swirl. It even comes with flat wooden spoons, but I throw them away. My man can eat his child-sized ice cream with a metal spoon. We're not barbarians! I, myself, prefer the birthday cake flavor of these party cups that Walmart has. It doesn't come with wooden spoons, but I use an old plastic Dairy Queen spoon. It's made for ice cream, right?

Hick's ice cream is what got me in trouble.

When I approached the freezer cases, I noticed that the floor was being repaired. I was just in there less than a week ago. Over on that aisle, too. And the tile was fine. I guess maybe there was a leak? Or this was just some long-planned tile replacement. The area wasn't roped off or anything. Not even a yellow plastic warning board, or an orange cone.

There's Hick's ice cream. Bottom shelf. Under that little green sign. A bag laying on its side, containing a dozen plastic cups of swirled vanilla. It only has 100 calories, you know. Providing you only eat one cup. When you eat them two at a time like Hick thinks I don't notice, it has 200. Still. That's better than letting Hick dip out of a tub of ice cream. He's not even supposed to HAVE ice cream. But it's better to have limited ice cream than the unlimited donuts he sneaks some mornings. Anyhoo...back to the freezer case.

I'm so trusting. You'd think that a retired teacher would be a bit more suspicious by nature. But no. I was in a place of business. What could possibly go wrong?

I parked my cart on the white speckled tile, beside the open freezers that run down the aisle. I took two steps over to the ice cream door, opened it, and snagged a bag of ice cream for Hick. I closed the door and turned to go back to my cart. And turned to go back to my cart. And turned to go back to my cart.

I WASN'T MOVING!

My feet were stuck to the floor! I could turn my body, and act like I was walking back, but my feet stayed put! I was trapped like a rat on a sticky mat! With much concentration, utilizing my athlete's body, and will of steel, I picked up my left foot and headed back to my cart. And headed back to my cart. And headed back to my cart. No. I didn't. I stepped the left leg out, but the right foot remained stuck on the human rat mat.

Seriously. I thought I was going to have to gnaw my foot off to get loose! Country Mart was not very busy. There WAS a guy on a beeper cart that I had encountered on the soda aisle up front. He was turning from the soda on the front wall down the popcorn aisle, but he had to beepin' back up. Then he started muttering to himself, because he was going neither forward, nor backward any more. I guess his battery ran down. So he wouldn't be much help for me, needing rescue himself.

Don't underestimate Val, though! She's a retired physics teacher, by cracky! I realized that by tilting my foot, I could pry my sole loose from the edge. Slowly. But loose. It took a bit of waggling back and forth, like a slow band-aid removal, but I freed myself. The walk to the checkout was pretty slow, because I had to re-free my right foot every step.

The Beeper Cart Guy must have called for back-up, because he pulled out in front of me at the popcorn aisle. He was on his feet, leaning on a cart, with a man and woman on each side of him for support, both moral and physical, I assumed. Anyhoo...The Man Formerly Known As Beeper Cart Guy was still moving faster than me! Good thing, because there might have been a collision, and I shudder to think of what might have happened if my shoe sole got stuck on some part of him.

Whoa! It just hit me! I could have taken off my shoe! I could have gotten loose by taking off my shoe! Surely I would have thought of that before I started gnawing at my tarsals...wouldn't I? But then, what if I took off my shoe, and I couldn't keep my balance, and my black-with-a-gray-sole Doc Ortho sock got stuck? And then I took off my Doc Ortho sock, and my foot-skin got stuck? THEN I would have been right back to gnawing at my tarsals!

Country Mart really needs to put up a caution sign, or they're going to have a lot of old ice-cream-eaters trapped and blocking their freezer case.

Not every customer is going to be a retired physics teacher, you know.