You Can Fool All of the People Some of the Time, and Some of the People All of the Time, but You Can Fool Hick Any Old Time

A surprise retirement party for Hick? How is THAT supposed to work, you might ask. How are you going to fool him, now that he's retired and underfoot 24/7/365?

When Genius proposed the party, originally scheduled for the weekend after Hick retired, I thought we might be able to pull it off. The only problem being whether Hick would be home and unsurprisable, or gone to an auction and unavailable.

Genius discovered that getting his three brothers corralled on the same weekend was no easy task. Especially on Labor Day Weekend. As it was, The Pony could not make it any weekend, due to the long travel time. So he was here in spirit, but mainly in finances. The surprise party was rescheduled for this past Saturday, September 16.

I used my well-developed half-truth skills to make sure Hick would be here at 2:00 p.m., the time Genius and The Veteran planned to start grilling. So I casually asked Hick, "Do you think we could barbecue on Saturday? We didn't do anything for Labor Day. You could do a little bit of everything, and we'd have it to eat for supper through the week."

"Yeah. I think I can do that."

"If you start at 2:00, then you'll have time to do whatever you do in the mornings, and still leave for the auction by 6:00."

"Okay. I'll grill at 2:00."

Easy peasy. Hick was locked in at the proper time period. THEN commenced the preparations. Genius was bringing leftover light beer from the Boys State float trip, and The Veteran and HOS were bringing soda and chips. I was taking care of the meat and potato salad and beans. Genius said he'd whip up a couple of desserts, which ended up being Rice Krispie treats and lemon bars.

You'd think Hick would have noticed the two giant packs of pork steaks, the 20-pack of jumbo hot dogs, the dozen bratwursts, and the 24 hamburgers. But no. I suppose that it was just answer to his carnivore dreams. The dozen ears of corn were still in the back of T-Hoe, along with 7 bags of buns, and two packs of large sturdy paper plates, and a 24-serving pack of knives/forks/spoons.

I especially thought the bowl of 5 pounds of boiled potatoes left in FRIG II overnight, which he saw upon his return from the auction, would tip him off. But no. Hick said later, "I don't know how many potatoes it takes for your potato salad."

That's HALF of what it made. I know it doesn't look appetizing in that brown bowl in my kitchen that looks like it's in the bowels of the earth, due to my cell phone camera. The bowl was full to the brim. It made 4 tall Chinese soup containers of potato salad. (heh, heh, the abbreviation on that picture title was retirement party pot)

Anyhoo...Genius and his Friend arrived at 1:15. For a 2:00 party. At least he called me, and at least he was helping with preparations. Friend shucked corn (and Val didn't care) while Genius readied the grill and laid out foil for coating the corn with butter and cayenne pepper (only half of them). THEN The Veteran called and said he was almost there with his crew of 7, and it was only 1:30! I was still sweeping the kitchen floor! Oh, and not to be left out...HOS pulled up with his wife and son, his daughter and her boyfriend coming a little later.

So there they all were, standing awkwardly around my kitchen, watching me slice onions and tomatoes. Genius said, "You really need to have a beer." But I didn't. I had not planned on being in charge of entertainment! Only on providing the guest of honor in a timely manner, and the meat, and the venue. Finally most of them went outside, where it was hotter than the surface of the sun. I was dripping sweat inside, in the 74-degree air conditioning.

Meanwhile, Hick was missing. The last I'd seen him was an hour previous, when he'd said he was driving the Gator up to Buddy's house. Genius reported that the Gator was parked over by the BARn. So I figured Hick was in there, and would come over at 2:00 to start the grill. Which the boys already had going.

Then started the debate on how to notify Hick of his surprise party. I wanted him to walk over, unawares, and perhaps see some of the cars lining the driveway. If he'd come earlier, he would have just been pleasantly surprised that Genius had dropped by for a visit. But this was everyone. We don't even do that at Christmas!

The boys were antsy to get Hick surprised. HOS was going to go to the BARN and tell him I needed him at the house.Then he decided to send his 7-year-old on his bicycle. That worked.

As Hick walked past Shackytown, and saw us all standing on the porch and brick sidewalk, his face lit up. He's generally a happy person, but he was practically glowing. Especially when he saw Genius.

"What are all you guys doing here?"

"It's a retirement party for you!"

"A party?"

"Yeah. We're grilling."

"Oh. I though I was supposed to grill today. Did YOU know about this?"

"Yes! I thought sure you'd figured it out, with all that meat in the refrigerator."

"I don't pay no attention to that. We always grill a lot at once."

Let the record show that we are not in a habit of grilling 25 pounds of meat every time we barbecue.

Anyhoo...Hick cracked open a Michelob Dry (special purchase by Genius just for him) and set to telling the boys how to grill.

Even this morning, he commented on how surprised he was.