Friday, September 22, 2017

Back-of-the-Book-Blurb Friday #77 "And Wanda Was Her Name, Eh?"

Blog buddy Sioux is hosting Back-of-the-Book-Blurb Friday. I have 150 words to convince you to fake-buy my fake book. We all know that Val's a gambler. She likes her scratchers, she likes her casino, and she likes to wage that people will buy her fake books. Odds are that Thevictorian's fake books make more as a tax write-off than they ever fake-make in her bank account. Be an enabler, won't you? Pony up your fake money for this week's fake book. You can't lose if you don't play, you know.


"And Wanda Was Her Name, Eh?"

Wanda Wynn is a seasoned bingo player. She cut her teeth on the shell game, spent her formative years mastering 3-card monte, and now rules the bingo roost at her old folks' home. Recent budget cuts have watered down Wanda's bingo winnings. From the prize table, she has enthusiastically chosen donut seeds, cowboy bubble bath, beats headphones, a hillbilly washer and dryer, and a 3-piece chicken dinner...only to be disappointed in finding Cheerios, pinto beans, two empty beet cans connected by twine, a flat metal ring and clothespin, and a baggie containing 3 kernels of corn.

Wanda is mad as Not-Heaven, and she's not going to take it anymore. Will Wanda bluff her way to riches with her water-shooting 9mm handgun? (121 words)

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Fake Reviews for Val’s Fake Book

Bingo, the farmer's dog..."There was a fake-writer who had a blog, and Thevictorian was her name. OH! S-U-C-K-S...S-U-C-K-S...S-U-C-K-S...describes her newest fake book."

The Wheels on the Bus..."Thevictorian has a lot in common with us. When she writes her fake books, the plot goes round and round. Unlike us, Thevictorian's plot never seems to reach her intended destination."

Itsy Bitsy Spider..."Take it from one who knows: Thevictorian's new fake book is a wash-out. It's enough to make me climb up that waterspout again and again to avoid any mention of it. Avoid it like scheduling a picnic on a day with thunderstorms in the forecast."

Five Little Monkeys..."One fake writer, hawking her fake book. Thevictorian's a hack, don't even take a look. Momma called the publisher and the publisher was shook. Don't buy this one, 'cause Thevictorian's a crook. Oh, yeah. Then we pushed her out of bed and she hit her head and now she's in a coma so you're all off the hook."

London Bridge..."Thevictorian's sales are falling down...falling down...falling down. There is nothing her fake publisher can do to build them up. My best advice for Thevictorian is to relocate. We all know she's going to end up somewhere very hot, like me. But much hotter than Arizona."

Old MacDonald..."Thevictorian wrote a book. Oh my, oh my, NO! And in her book there was no plot. Oh my, oh my, NO! With a fake book here, and a fake book there...here a fake, there a fake, everywhere a fake, fake. Thevictorian wrote a book. Oh my, oh my, NO!"

The Farmer in the Dell..."Thevictorian wrote a book, Thevictorian wrote a book. Oh, no, I'm full of woe, Thevictorian wrote a book. Let's just cut to the chase here: like the cheese, Thevictorian's fake book stands alone, not selling, and stinks to high heaven."

John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt..."Nobody EVER calls Thevictorian John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt. My name is NOT her name, too. Whenever we go out, which we don't, because I don't associate with her...people always shout: 'There goes Val Thevictorian, the worst fake writer to ever fake-write a fake book!'"

Black Sheep..."Bah! Bah! Thevictorian! No wool for her! No, sir! No, sir! The master, the dame, and the little boy who lives down the lane all agree that her fake writing is flocking atrocious!"

Bonnie, lying around across various and assorted large bodies of water..."Thevictorian writes over the ocean. Thevictorian writes over the sea. Thevictorian writes over the ocean. Don't ever bring that fake writing near me. Last night as I lay on my pillow. Last night as I lay on my bed. Last night as I lay on my pillow. I dreamt Thevictorian was dead. Good riddance to bad writing!"

10 comments:

  1. I will definitely fake buy this fake book Val, I am not going to take any chances that Wanda is carrying a fake gun, because fake bullets I may be able to take and that's only if Wanda is a bad shot...

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    1. You can use your newly-fake-purchased fake book to block the fake fire from Wanda's fake gun!

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  2. As far as this story is concerned, BINGO is spelled C-R-A-P!

    Sometimes I feel bad making fun of these fake books, but I do enjoy them.

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    1. No need to feel bad. You fit right in with all the other fake reviews!

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  3. Val--My mom played bingo at her nursing home. Jean was inspired by some of the ladies who really WOULD choose the prize (dollar store crap) they wanted, and would get their Depends all in a wad if someone else chose the prize before they could get to it.

    Thanks for playing. Your reviews, as usual, are quite inventive.

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    Replies
    1. Why do I have the feeling that "quite inventive" is the new "BREATHTAKING?"

      My grandma (Mom's mom)never lived in a nursing home, but she was always winning at BINGO. I think she played at a church, or the county fair. Wherever she could find the action. She won so often that we thought maybe her eyesight was bad, and she was inadvertently cheating. I guess the BINGO runners monitor that pretty closely, though, with the danger of a wadded-Depends riot on their hands.

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  4. Cheerios are donut seeds? Who knew?
    As always, I love the fake reviews :)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I can't verify that. I've never planted any Cheerios.

      The fake reviews are my favorite part. They are usually written before the story and the introduction, just as soon as I can decide on a concept.

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  5. Wow! I loved the description of the prizes. I had to think about the pinto beans and then it hit me! LOL You are always so creative and I love reading your stuff!

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    1. I can't take credit for the prize ideas, because I found them on Pinterest when I Googled for BINGO prizes.

      Thanks for liking my stuff. Val is an acquired taste.

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