Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Guess Which Tool in the Shed Val Would Be

I should have known how this week would go when I couldn't cut the cheese on Sunday.

I only wanted a couple of thin slices off one-fourth of a two-pound block of sharp cheddar. To go on my Roasted Garlic Triscuits, you know. I would not be partaking of Hick's Super Bowl snacks of wings, Li'l Smokies in BBQ sauce, pepper-and-garlic steak fries, Ruffles and Hidden Valley Ranch dip, restaurant-style tortilla chips and queso dip, sugar-free sugar cookies (yeah, I thought the same thing), and sugar-free oatmeal cookies. Hick has cut back too, you know. Didn't want our usual Super Bowl snacks of potato skins and mozzarella sticks and Velveeta/salsa/sausage dip.

Okay. I admit to three chicken wings. Woman does not live by Triscuits and cheddar alone, you know. Gotta have some protein.

That darn cheese was not cooperating! I know sharp cheddar is firmer than Velveeta. But this cheese acted like it still had the wrapper on it. That paring knife was going nowhere. I broke one of them previously, snapped the handle right off, trying to cut the cheese. So I pulled it back, looking around for the giant butcher knife (contrary to popular opinion, not used by Val to cut the tails off of visually-challenged mice).

It's ironic, (no?) that the wife of a man who runs a knife-making factory doesn't have a sharp knife in the house? That's like a cobbler whose children go barefoot. Like a cattle rancher whose children are vegetarians. Like a woman practicing the world's oldest profession whose children are not bast--. Okay. So Hick's kids are not knives, but they're plenty sharp. Unlike Hick's wife.

I glared at that uncooperative kitchen tool. Whoopsie!

I had been using the wrong side of the knife.

Never mind.

14 comments:

  1. And that's why I like Velveeta which though it is not cheese, is a "Cheese Like Product."

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    1. I actually prefer the Save A Lot version, which is called Marvella. Great on top of steamed vegetables, though it kind of takes away from the healthy aspect of vegetables.

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  2. When I cut the cheese, I simply lift one cheek and let it fly...

    Wintertime, and the fartin' is easy...

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    1. Farts are the muffled screams of trapped poop, according to The Pony, who read it on the internet. Hopefully not on Wikipedia. I think it's time you release the hostages...

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  3. Whoops, indeed. Better polish the dust off of those bifocals.

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    1. No dust on VAL's bifocals! They are simply the worst glasses ever in the history of glassesdom. I took them back 10 times before I accepted them, and I should have taken my business elsewhere. My sister the ex-mayor's wife sees better through the glasses she picked up at Walmart.

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  4. Must be those glasses you keep complaining about. My mother was a big fan of Velveeta, she called it "real cheese". She liked Cheese Whiz, too. Always had a jar in her pantry to make macaroni and cheese. She was not an adventurous cook.

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    1. It IS! The glasses from not-heaven! When Hick's older boys were younger, I made them grilled cheese using Velveeta. They loved it. Hick made them grilled cheese with Kraft American Singles (though probably the store brand) one evening when I was working, and they were not happy. They asked Hick, "Where's the cheese?"

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  5. Personally I prefer a person who isn't good at cutting the cheese.

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    1. Hear that, Sioux? Your talents are underappreciated.

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  6. I love the way you channeled"Roseanne Roseannadanna."

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    1. I think Sioux is channeling Roseanne Roseannadanna. I am more of an Emily Litella kind of gal.

      Or maybe Sioux is just trying to pass initiation to gain entrance to the 13-Year-Old-Self Club...

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  7. Does that make Hick the sharpest knife in the drawer?

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    1. NO! Only sharper than Val on that single day in history.

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