Saturday, February 6, 2016

All He Needs is the Air That We Breathe, Then We Bill You...



Here’s the reason that public universities need your donations:


Yeah. Thursday I took the mail out of EmBee, and thought, “Oh. The Pony will be excited. He got a letter from the University of Oklahoma.” He got a handwritten postcard from them after his campus visit. Since he was at an academic competition Thursday evening, I left that letter in the stack of mail on the kitchen counter. As I went through it later for bills, I noticed that the OU letter was addressed to The Parents of Pony Thevictorian. Huh.

I picked it up to open it, and noticed how light it was. Maybe a note about hoping Hick enjoyed his recent visit. Maybe a reminder than some forms had yet to be filed concerning The Pony’s admission. I ripped open the envelope with my stubby fingers, disregarding the fact that just below my waist was a drawer containing a plethora of knives that could act as letter-openers.

“Well don’t that beat all!” as my old college roommate Bean used to say. Actually, she changed the last word, but Val is a refined lady now, a shadow of her college rabble-rousin’ self, and will not go there. “There’s NOTHING in that envelope!” I held it up to the light. I turned it over. I scooped my fingers all around inside. Nothing. The Pony’s prospective college had sent us an empty envelope. It only cost 16 cents. But still. That’s a WASTED 16 cents. No need to send us some fresh Oklahoma air for The Pony to snort. And how in tarnation is a college NON-PROFIT?

The Pony has a recruiter, and I have suggested that he take a picture of that envelope, showing the return address, so the recruiter has some idea of what was sent out lately.

Yeah. Maybe now you can understand my reluctance to donate to public universities. Val Thevictorian wasn’t born yesterday. She ain’t payin’ for air from another state, no matter how much the university wants her Pony to attend!

11 comments:

  1. It does make one wonder how many of these empty envelopes were mailed empty, and it does make one wonder what was intended for mailing in those envelopes that weren't received.

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    1. And it makes one wonder why the person in charge of the postal costs didn't notice that a whole batch of mail when out really, really CHEAPLY.

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  2. They figured that if the envelope was empty it would get to you Sooner.

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    1. Heh, heh! I see what you did there!

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  3. Who does that song? The Hollies? No, probably not. I could have cheated and looked it up, but I didn't.

    All I need is the air that I breathe and to loooove you. Pretty syrupy for Val. Or are you prepping for the 14th?

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    1. Yes, it WAS The Hollies. I thought you would catch the title.

      Not prepping for the 14th. Not even for Hick's apopadopalyspe. The Pony's birthday is the day after. So I need to do some prepping for that.

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  4. They'll squeeze every drop out of you.

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    1. Squeeze us like Hick pressing the last drop of liquid out of his tower of vegetable beef soup!

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  5. Not only that, you sure don't want any of that stinkin' Oklahoma air polluting fresh, green Missouri, do you.

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    1. YES! I CAN say no! No dust-bowl, locust-poop-powdered air should cross our borders! What do you think caused that bright golden haze on the meadow? I don't need an asthma attack when Hick's driving me around in his surrey with the fringe on top.

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