Val Has Sticky Fingers

I can hardly see to type. My head hangs down in shame. SHAME! My mother would be SO disappointed in her Five-Dollar Daughter. If she knew what I had done, she would get out the flyswatter and whack me across the back of my bare legs with the wire handle. Don't you worry about Val. I know better than to run around in a circle while Mom grips my upper arm with her talons, the tactic of a little future ex-mayor's wife. I'll take my punishment. I deserve it. I can't keep it to myself any longer...

TODAY I STOLE MOM'S PURSE!

Now before you go blaming Val without giving her a fair trial, you must hear the extenuating circumstances. No need to put the cart before the horse in judging her, jurifying her, and executing her until all the facts are known. There were accomplices. Accomplices who would only find it too tempting to let Val take the fall.

This afternoon we went to the 1-year-old birthday party of my niece's little girl. It was held in the church kitchen. Not the actual kitchen, of course. What kind of family lets a 1-year-old play around industrial stoves and ovens? Not THIS family, that's for sure. It was in the room with tables right next to the kitchen. Thank goodness there were no games like during the baby shower, when our very own Val Thevictorian was accused of CHEATING during the Get the Baby Out of the Ice Cube game. I am still smarting from that. I won fair and square. Haters gonna hate, losers gonna lose. Anyhoo...

Sis picked up Mom and brought her to the party. It was only five minutes from her house. After the eating of the cupcakes and the ice cream, just before Baby got to dive two-fisted into her cake, Mom and Sis had a tete-a-tete. I don't know what was said, because there was no room at the table for Thevictorians. We had to sit with a gal all alone at a table for eight. Not that there was anything wrong with her. It's just that Sis told us to sit by Mom, but there were only two empty chairs. I'm sure Mom would rather have sat by us. But no. She was with the in-law relatives, the kin of the ex-mayor. Anyhoo...

Mom was kind of sad, what with her recent medical issues and her medications and the two empty sockets in her jaws where she had two teeth pulled on Wednesday. She said she was ready to go. I found out by having The Pony snoop, and lasso Sis so we could get the scoop. I said we could take her home. Even though I had already been out there this morning to take her a meat loaf that I baked at 6:00 a.m. So we rearranged our riding order, and I took the reins of T-Hoe, with Mom in the shotgun seat and The Pony and Hick behind us. Off we went, alongside the river and past the woods. Anyhoo...

We had some items to carry in at Mom's house. Some to-go cupcakes and ice cream, and stuff I had bought for her at Walmart after leaving her house this morning. Hick helped her down out of T-Hoe, and across her rough frozen front yard. They got to the door before The Pony, who had my keys. I heard Mom say something about getting out her keys, but I hollered that The Pony was on his way to unlock the door. We went in and put away the stuff. Mom went downstairs to her recliner. Anyhoo...

I set out Mom's evening medicine. The Pony gathered up her trash. Hick went upstairs to check out a toilet that Sis's husband the ex-mayor had turned off after removing the top from the tank. We all had our jobs. Like a well-trained pit crew we got Mom back on track. Anyhoo...

The Pony and Hick made plans for a birthday party tonight in a town past Mom's house. The Pony was invited, and was actually looking forward to going. Can't be the fact that it's for twin girls, or that they're serving pizza, or that plans include watching Japanese anime movies, or that there will be a video game competition. They had just decided on the departure time as we pulled into the garage. Hick closed the garage door (don't worry, we all escaped decapitation by that clamped spring YET AGAIN) and started putting the seat back on my settings so he doesn't have to hear about it. Anyhoo...

The Pony announced, "Hey! Look what we still have." AND HELD UP MOM'S PURSE.

Never mind that we had dropped her off and driven thirty minutes home. Leaving Mom with no keys, no cell phone, no checkbook, no ID, no insurance cards, no miscellaneous cash. I figured that what Mom didn't know wouldn't hurt her. That she would be more agitated knowing that she didn't have her purse. Besides, on the way to the party, Hick and The Pony could drop it off. Still, I called Sis to confess. Just in case Mom called her in a panic about losing her purse.

When Hick and The Pony left for the party, I called Mom to say they were on their way. Forget Hick's idea to just unlock her door and walk in and put it on the table, saying that she'd never even know. Mom did not act like she was going to call the police on me. However, she DID say she was going up to the kitchen to wait for Hick and The Pony to bring in her purse.

I'm pretty sure she was not planning to open it up and give them five dollars for me.