Hey! Have you heard? Genius was home over the holidays. He was sick as a dog for most of that time, but he perked up a few days before he had to head back and return his nose to the grindstone. Yes, a few tears were shed just prior to and shortly after his departure. I'm kinda fond of that boy.
Every day, I find more evidence that he was here. No, I don't go into his room and shove my face into his pillow and inhale. That would be creepy. Even for Val of the Tightest Apron Strings on Record. His door is closed, and will stay that way. And I'm not talking about a couch pillow on the surge strip for my laptop and the phone chargers. Not even about the odd red Solo cup here and there with water that was once precious ice from Frig II. But I AM talking about red Solo cups.
This afternoon, after a trip to visit my mom in rehab (I reiterate, NOT the drug kind), and dropping The Pony off for his bowling league, and running in Save A Lot for some essentials, and carrying in my own groceries and putting them away without my little Pony helper...I went to cut up some celery to make tuna salad for my lunch. Let the record show that the time was already 1:30. Val is not able to conform to her school lunch time of 10:53 a.m. on weekends.
I had just bought some new celery, but saw no reason not to finish using last week's celery first. Sure, it was a little limp. That only means it's thirsty. So I went to get a red Solo cup out of the pantry to put my freshly-cut stale celery in. THE CUPBOARD WAS BARE! It's a wonder my sweet, sweet Juno has not hit the road with a red bandana full of cat kibble tied on the end of a stick, to join Old Mother Hubbard's boneless poor dog on a speaking tour about irresponsible pet owners.
Okay. There was still stuff in the pantry. But no red Solo cups. We use them every now and then for gathering ice from Frig II to carry down to my dark basement lair, or for Hick to beat an egg (more like 3 eggs) before scrambling himself some breakfast on the weekend, or...well...that's about all we use them for. A package lasts us six months or more.
Since I could find not a solo Solo for my celery, I took the red Solo cup off the kitchen counter. The one I use for taking my medicine every morning at 5:00 a.m. It's so old that it was not even of the current pantry Solo generation, with the square bottom. I put the mutilated celery in my Solo filled with icy well water. Then I opened a can of tuna and rinsed out the salty water, and chopped a dill pickle and a small onion. Squirted in a long squiggle of mayonnaise from a squeeze bottle that said, "Best before Jan 10, 2015." (I AM my mother's daughter).
As I readied my bowl for mixing just before chopping my celery, I reached for a plastic fork. Sometimes you don't want a heavy metal fork. A black plastic one will do. I have some favorites, saved from the fast-food bag, that I wash and reuse. Captain D's has the best ones. Smooth tines. None of those grooves. But when I pulled open the drawer for plastic forks and sharp knives...THE PLASTIC FORK TROUGH WAS NEARLY BARE! Only two. And one was in the wrong trough.
I was simply shocked. With all the metal silverware that Genius left in his wake, I find it hard to believe that he was also sullying my plastic forks. AND THROWING THEM AWAY to hide the evidence. Not so the Solo cups. Every day I had to harvest them. A wastefuller boy you'll never see than Genius. That boy must have dirtied forty cup...to borrow and twist a line from Rooster Cogburn.
If only Genius had bothered to mention this depletion, The Pony and I could have restocked only yesterday, on our Walmart shopping spree after school.
Oh, and he also took a leftover Little Caesar's pepperoni pizza. That's fine. I don't like pepperoni. Or Little Caesar's. But Genius made it clear to me. "I'm taking the Little Caesar's. I have to feed myself until the dorms open." Far be it from me to make an RA cannibalize his muscle mass until the cafeteria starts serving.
Hope you're happy, Genius. Mommy is drinking celery water with her meds, and burning an extra calorie every time she lifts a fork.
Oh Val, mother of college student, I think you will be surprised at what other things have been begged, borrowed, pilfered or used. It's only the beginning. Laughed out loud at the Juno image with old Mother Hubbard's dog. Oh my, you sure tickle my funny bone. Tell Mom hi.
ReplyDeleteThat Genius can sure make his presence known. Maybe celery water will cure all that ails you and you can patent it and make a fortune, or at least enough money to buy a lifetime of black plastic forks.
ReplyDeleteI have been lambasted by Mrs. C for using and disposing plastic spoons, but I'm learning.
ReplyDeleteI did not know you could revive limp celery.
I hope you're able to spring your mother from rehab before she's booked for a string of speaking engagements. She WOULD be able to fill rooms with rollicking laughter. (After all, she IS Val's mother.)
ReplyDeleteLinda is right. There is a dark unlayer of theft left in the wake of a college student's visit. And why inform you of a shortage of Solo cups? At this point, they mostly think of only themselves...)
They don't call him "Genius" for nothin'.
ReplyDeleteLinda,
ReplyDeleteJust this afternoon, I discovered another missing link.
I'll tell Mom you said hi, but if a squad car pulls up in front of your house, that means she thinks you're one of those crime writers she read about and assumed are committing crimes so they can write about them.
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Stephen,
And I can sell it on the counter of my proposed handbasket factory! Alongside the environmentally friendly "recycled" plastic forks.
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joeh,
Baby steps. Today, spoons...tomorrow, forks.
Today's science lesson: the cell walls of plants need water to remain rigid. That's why your salad gets limp if you put the salad dressing on too far in advance. Water flows from high concentration to low concentration, so it flows right out of that moist lettuce and into the salty dressing.
Celery, on the other hand, loses its water due to evaporation. I would never try to revive limp lettuce, but celery is salvageable if you let its xylem suck up water by capillary action. Just lop off the dried-out ends of the celery, and set it in water for a while.
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Sioux,
She DOES have a captive audience to practice her routine.
Genius most certainly does think only of himself. And very highly.
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Catalyst,
Darn tootin'!