The Hick Finds Work For Val's Idle Hands

Yes, Hick wants to make sure no grass grows under Val's feet. He also wants to make sure that no grass grows on our once-pastoral side-yard between homestead and BARn, so he refuses to part with his lone remaining goat. That might just become Val's life work: getting Hick's goat. She's off to a good start...

Anyhoo, Hick decreed that Val pick up his boots Saturday morning. Normally, this proclamation would be met with a raised left eyebrow and stone cold silence by Val. But it was not his regular boots of which he was speaking. Friday evening, while The Pony and I were visiting Mom after paying the bills without her, Hick sent a text to The Pony (obviously fearing Val's wrath) that he was on the way to buy a pair of work boots.

It's not the purchase of the work boots that's ireful. Hick needs a pair of steel-toed work boots twice a year. He's rough on boots. How he can wear out steel toes is beeeyooooond me, but he does. It's a fact of Thevictorian life. No, it wasn't the purchase to which Val objected. It was the idea that he was less than a half mile away from where Val and The Pony were sitting, having driven 20 miles past home to get to the boot store, and was not even planning on dropping in to say HEY to Mom. Granted, he visits every Sunday, and he drives her to city appointments. But he WAS in the neighborhood. A ten-minute visit would not have incapacitated him.

Anyhoo...Hick did his boot thing and headed home, beating us by a good hour. It was not until this morning, at the stroke of 6:10, while I was attempting a few more ZZZZs on my day off, that he sprung the news on me.

"I need you to go pick up my boots."

"What? I thought you got them last night."

"No. Their phones had been down since 11:00 that morning, and the debit machine didn't work."

"Didn't you have cash?"

"Yes. But that's MY money."

"You know I would have given it back. With the receipt, of course."

"I didn't want to spend my money. I told him you'd be coming over there to visit your mom, and you would pick them up. He put them behind the counter. All you have to do is ask for them."

"Should I take cash, in case the debit machine doesn't work?"

"It should work today. But you can write a check if it doesn't. You don't let me carry the checks, so I couldn't."

"All right. Will they know what I'm talking about?"

"They should. Don't worry if the boots are size 9. They're comfortable on me. I took a long time picking them out."

"I'll try to remember."

When The Pony and I arrived, nobody was in the parking lot. The door sign said "OPEN." I went inside, and a girl behind the counter said, "Mmpfpfmm." Then she said, "Sorry. I just took a bite." Of what, she did not elaborate. I told her my husband had left a pair of boots behind the counter because the debit machine was not working. She looked at me like I was some kind of magnificent fiction writer. "Boots?"

It was, after all, a boot store.

"Yes. He said the boots would be behind the counter. The debit machine didn't work last night."

"I was at our other store. It didn't work there, either. Huh." She looked around. I gave the name. Thevictorian. She looked some more. "Oh. This is them." It was the only pair of boots on the counter in a bag. A tag was on them that read: Thevictorian. She gave me the total and I gave her the debit card. "Huh. This says I have to finish a transaction from yesterday..."

"Would it be easier if I wrote a check?"

"No. It will work. As soon as I finish the transaction from yesterday. Here." She pushed a cardboard display of pocket knives at me. "He gets a free knife with purchase. Pick one."

"Let's see...I don't have my glasses."

"There are several different kinds. Deer. A wolf..."

"Oh. A bear."

"Yeah. And there's a turkey..."

"TURKEY! Here it is! I'll get him the turkey. He has a pet turkey that follows him like a dog."

"Oh. Did he catch one and tame it?"

"Noooo...he bought it at a livestock auction. It's tame."

I finished my transaction and dropped the turkey knife into the left boot. When I got back in T-Hoe, I told The Pony, "Reach down in that boot and see what I got Dad."

"That's okay. I already put the bag on the floor."

"C'mon. I got him a pocket knife with a turkey on it."

"You PAID for it, I hope."

"No. I just grabbed it and put it in the boot. Of course I paid for it. Don't tell Dad when we get to the bowling alley. I want to surprise him. He'll probably say, 'Oh, you got my free knife.'"

When Hick saw his boots, he reached into the wrong left boot. "There's nothing in here."

"Your OTHER left boot."

"Hey! A pocket knife."

"Did you see it?"

"Yeah, it's a knife."

"It was free with your purchase. I got the one with the turkey."

"Oh, there's a turkey on it?"

The Pony couldn't hold it. "Yeeeesssss. To shame you for the three that you killed."

Hick doesn't get away with much. He might start finding more work for Val AND Pony hands.