Introducing: Lap House

Yes. The photographer is of questionable talent. At taking photos. But he's a whiz at fixing up old houses. Hick was sitting in SilverRedO, parked across the street in front of an apartment building, when he took the front picture of Lap House for me. You may recall that Lap House is so named because the deal fell into Hick's lap when he was least expecting it.

Lap House has a generous yard. Out of sight on the left is an old brick church. A street runs by on the right side. There's a public sidewalk out front, but strangely, no sidewalk to the house. I image any residents would park in the back, off the alley, and use the back door.

Let's zoom in a bit, so you can see the actual house, and not a panoramic view of the neighborhood.

Lest you think the previous owner was a patriotic sort, let the record show that the school colors in this town are red, white, and blue. So the windows in the front door, and the railings by the back door, as well as the foundation, are likely those colors to support the team.

The roof has a few missing shingles from where the wind took them. Hick has not been in the attic yet. He says it's possible that the roof may need to be replaced, depending on what he finds there. Or it may just needs a patch. The tall vent pole on the front of the house will go away. Hick has already talked to his HVAC Guy, who says that there's a new way of doing the vent for the gas. Hick is planning to put in a new furnace and add central air, because the only cooling the house has now is a window unit. The vinyl siding is fine, it just looks wavy from the shadows, and my zoom-in on the original photo.

The front left window is the living room. The front right window is a bedroom. The kitchen is the part sticking out at the back with the back door. There's a single bathroom, behind that front bedroom. And behind it is a second bedroom. It's basically a 4-room house. I guess five if you count the bathroom. From the looks of them, the windows are old, and might need to be replaced. Hick hasn't mentioned that specifically yet.

Interior views will be coming soon.

One of Hick's Harem Has a Stay at the Crossbars Hilton

Hick brought our puppy Pepper home from his second vet visit on Monday. He's up to 13.6 pounds now. We didn't have time to discuss Pepper's shots and next visit(s) though, because Hick got a phone call. From one of his harem.

"I've told you before. I cain't help you with that. You all need to get along, or stay away from each other. If you think it's serious enough, then call the police."

This was around 3:00. According to Hick, the caller complained that the lady who drinks had spit on her, and she had three witnesses. The caller/spittee was NOT the same resident that the drinker had gotten into it with the last time the police were called. Hick called his boss later, who said, "We're not getting involved in that." Which is what Hick had told his harem.

Later that evening, Caller/Spittee told Hick that Spitter had been knocking on her door, and she wanted him to come do something. Hick said, "Well, she realizes she done somthin' wrong, and she's most likely tryin' to apologize. That's how she is. If you don't want to talk to her, don't talk to her."

Later, Caller/Spittee said she had gone to the police station (which is two blocks away), along with her witnesses, and they all had paperwork to file complaints against Spitter. Hick had replied, "Well, you have to do what you have to do."

At 9:30 the next morning, Hick got a text from Spitter that she was sitting in jail, and when was he going to talk to her about this incident. Hick said he had nothing to say to her about it. That was between her and the other elderlies. Spitter said she didn't want to lose her home. Hick said he wasn't planning to kick her out, but that she needed to calm down and get along with the other residents.

Hick and his boss agree that no matter if they evict 10 residents and get 10 new ones, there could just be 10 new problems. That there are always going to be disagreements between people, and it's not their business to get involved in that pettiness. If it's between residents, and not damage to the apartments, then it's up to law enforcement to handle the residents' complaints.

Of course when Hick went to lunch (LIVER AND ONIONS!), another gal sat right down to tell him all about what happened. Hick said she is always stirring the pot. Said a bunch of them were sitting out in the courtyard smoking, and Caller/Spittee and Spitter got into an argument. According to Spitter's story, she was sitting at a table all by herself, and Caller/Spittee came over to her, and Spitter spit on her. Which she knows is wrong.

Hick says Spitter picks up litter and straightens up stuff in the building. She is the nicest little lady you'd ever want to meet. Until she drinks. Then she's really mouthy and loud. Hick says Caller/Spittee is generally cranky and anti-social, and keeps to herself. These two live on different floors, at separate ends of the building, and there's no reason for them to even be in contact with each other, unless they run into each other picking up their mail. I have no idea what happened in the courtyard. 

My ex-teacher mind thinks that maybe Spitter had a snootful and mouthed off to some others, who were likely mob-bullying her in the subtle way of women, and Caller/Spittee took offense to Spitter's mouthing, and went to her table to share a piece of her mind. Spitter has limited mobility and uses a walker, and perhaps used spit as her defense/aggression mechanism. That's pure speculation, of course.

Anyhoo... the city police came Tuesday morning, and hauled Spitter down to the county jail, since they don't have their own lock-up anymore. Nobody knows how Spitter gained her freedom. Hick says that the city police would have been the ones to drive her back home, since charges were filed in their jurisdiction. Spitter told Hick she has a court date. 

I'm sure Hick will hear all about the eventual case...

Bargain House Demands

The last update on Bargain House was when we signed a contract on March 8. The Buyer scheduled an inspection the following week. So we've been in a holding pattern waiting to see how the inspection might affect the deal. 

Well. Hick thinks the Buyer's inspector was out of his mind. Let the record show that Bargain House had already been approved for occupancy by the CITY building inspector, with no issues.

Hick got an email from Realtor Guy early last week, with the Buyer's inspector's report attached. In no particular order that I recall, the issues listed included:

roof not safe to walk on

roof needs to be replaced

loose screws in roofing metal

gas vent on roof needs to be replaced

two vents of unknown origin on roof

windows need to be replaced

screens on windows need to be replaced

missing electrical plate in kitchen

bedroom door opens into kitchen door

bolts missing on supports for patio roof

sidewalk not level with yard

I told Hick, "Why don't you just tear it down and build the guy a whole new house?"

Hick called Realtor Guy, and said no way was he replacing the roof and windows. And that nobody wants a sidewalk level with the yard, because when it rains, you get mud and water pooling on the sidewalk. And any idiot should know that the vents on the roof are from the two bathrooms.

Realtor Guy stopped him and said, "Didn't you read the counter-offer?" Which Hick had not, because he only saw the one document. So Realtor Guy sent it again, after telling Hick that all the Buyer asked for was a new roof and new windows, but he was pretty sure the Buyer didn't EXPECT to get a new roof.

After looking at the actual counter-offer, and going over to inspect Bargain House roof for himself, Hick came up with a counter counter-offer. Realtor Guy wrote it up, but Hick explained it to me.

"I will tighten all the screws in the roof metal. I will paint the piece of metal where a tree rubbed on it, to match the rest of the roof. I'll sand the rust off the gas vent and paint it, but if it looks unsafe, I'll replace it. I DID forget to put the nuts on the screws holding the metal plate to the concrete for the patio roof supports, so I'll screw them on. Same with the electrical outlet plate I forgot in the kitchen cabinet above the microwave. There are four of the eight double-paned windows that need their vapor barrier fixed. I'll get that done. I will replace the two screens that are torn."

Hick got all that done in two days. Except the windows. His glass guy said he'll have to order parts, and it could take two weeks to get them. He also said that for an extra fee of $95, he will come to the house and fix the windows, so Hick doesn't have to remove them and drive them over to Bill-Paying Town for repairs.

Realtor Guy said it seemed reasonable, since Hick is doing extra things that were in the inspector's report, but which the Buyer didn't actually ask for. He "only" wanted a new roof and windows. Indeed, the Buyer agreed to those fixes. I don't think Realtor Guy has since mentioned that the windows might not be done in time for the closing. 

Hick told Realtor Guy that if the window repairs aren't done on time, he will pay for the windows and the on-site fee, and present a receipt to the Buyer at closing on April 6. So the window repair is guaranteed, and the Buyer won't have to do anything except let Hick's glass guy repair them at the house when the parts come in.

Hick says the window parts are supposed to be in Friday, and his glass guy will fix the windows next week. I guess we'll be headed for the closing with a signed receipt for the window work, in the event that these repairs are delayed.

Somebody Throw Hick, the Jokester, a Bone

I'm pretty sure Hick was born without a funny bone. I don't have x-ray evidence, but living with him over 37 years has provided me with plenty of the circumstantial variety. He doesn't find comedy funny. And I don't get his jokes.

Hick watches old reruns like The Andy Griffith Show. And MASH. He will sometimes chuckle. But any modern shows that I watch, Hick does not grasp the humor. "That's entertainment for morons!" Huh. Maybe it's just Hick's way of calling me a moron...

When HOS (Hick's Oldest Son) and The (Little Future) Veteran were elementary school age, Hick had a habit of grabbing them by the nape of the neck. Just to mess with them, when they were doing something else and didn't expect it. I little pinch which Hick held, saying, "What's that?" They'd hunch their shoulders in surprise, and say, "What?" Then Hick would say, "Turkey peekin' over a log!" And guffaw. Is it just me? I don't get it.

Now we come to Hick's latest. Remember how he fell at the Senior Center, and busted his lip on the floor? And I (almost) felt sorry for him? It swelled up a little bit. So Hick had a fat lip. It was quite dark purple in a spot the size of a dime on his lower right lip.

Hick came home from town Wednesday, saying people at the Senior Center, and some of his buddies, had been asking him what happened to his lip.

"I told 'em that I thought you said 'Shut up,' but what you really said was 'Stand up!' They all thought that was really funny."

"What? That's not funny. I don't get it."

"They thought you hit me!"

"I get the part about you pretending I hit you, rather than you falling down all by yourself when I was miles away. I don't even mind you making it about me being an abuser, instead of your own clumsiness. But what you're saying is not funny. It doesn't make sense. If you'd just said, 'Oh, I made my wife mad,' THAT might have been kind of funny."

"It's the same thing, Val. Everybody laughed."

So did the gal at the title office when Hick told his same "joke" at the closing for Lap House. I'm pretty sure she was just being polite.

Val's Lyin' Eyes

I might need new glasses. Or maybe just to wear my glasses while driving. Or maybe to stop casually chatting with The Pony while I'm driving.

We were headed home on Errand Day. Stopped at the 4-way stop sign with Subway on our right, Hick's apartments and the Senior Center across from it, a municipal parking lot on our left, and the old Roseland Theater across from it.

That movie theater is where I had my best viewing experience ever, while in high school, watching "Carrie," and the audience almost having a collective heart attack at the ending when Sue Snell was in Carrie's yard laying flowers. It's where we took little Genius to see his first movie, "Mouse Hunt," and had to leave in the middle because he would not stop talking out loud.

This theater has undergone several phases. It was turned into a two-plex. It stopped being a move theater. For a while it was some kind of church. And now it seems to host assorted events.

I was driving, you know. Stopped at the intersection. Watching the other three cars to make sure I took my proper turn. I glanced at the marquis of the theater.

"Huh. How can they put that up there? The 'Mexican Awards.'"

Let the record show that Sis-Town has Mexican residents. Some work at the local greenhouse. Some work at a produce company, loading and unloading trucks to distribute vegetables. When I lived in my $17,000 house, I would see them walking to work, carrying their lunch in Walmart bags. So it's not a stretch that I might think some entity was hosting a night of "Mexican Awards." Though these days, you'd think they could come up with a better title.

"Mom. I can't believe you said that! It says: 'Magician. D.J. Edwards.'"

Oh. Well. Nevermind...

The Deal is Done: Another Flip House, Coming Soon

The(flippin')Victorians bought another house on Thursday. The one I shall call Lap House, because it fell into Hick's lap without any search or real estate listing or sign in the yard. It was a call with an offer to sell, from an old guy referred to Hick by the old guy we bought the Double Hovel from.

In true Hick photography faux pas fashion, the picture is from the BACK of the house! 

Lap House is on The Pony's street. Three doors down. It's a nice wide street. This is a corner lot with a decent size back yard. That's the entrance to the partial basement. Much better than a crawlspace for flippers, because it's easy access for plumbing and electric and ductwork.

Across the street is an apartment building. It used to be an elementary school, which is pretty obvious to me from the windows. Next to Lap house is an old church. I don't think there is any activity there these days. I never see any cars or people. Whoever eventually buys Lap House will have better-than-average privacy, with a street on one side, an abandoned church on the other side, an alley in the back, and apartments across the street. I don't expect those residents will be hanging out in front, or complaining about goings-on.

More pictures as they become available.

Next Thing You Know, Hick Will be Blamed for the Downfall of Civilization

Here we go again. It's all Hick's fault...

Of course I am allowed to blame Hick for anything I see fit. That's my privilege. It's a perk that comes with putting up with him for the past 35-and-a-half years. Nobody else gets that privilege. Especially the fire chief over in Sis-Town!

Hick's boss brought a note to show him on Tuesday. It was the day after the inspection of the kitchen at the Senior Center, for which Hick had provided a cover for the four-foot fluorescent light. The note had nothing to do with the kitchen. It passed inspection just fine. 

The note was about the senior apartments. It had been given to the city manager, and the mayor. The mayor gave it to Hick's boss. Let the record show that there was no reason for the fire chief to go into the apartment section of the building. It's not necessary to leave the kitchen. It was not having an inspection.

Among the items in the note was: "I stepped out into the apartment building, and noticed what appeared to be a slight haze. It seemed to be coming from Apartment 2. For the safety of the residents, the apartment manager needs to make sure the residents are not smoking."

Of course Hick took issue with this. 

"So the fire chief was worried about the safety of the residents, but left the building with smoke coming out of an apartment? What kind of fire chief does that, without checking it out himself? What are we supposed to do? Be here 24 hours a day and sit in the hall waiting to see if somebody smokes? They KNOW it's against the rules. I'm tire of this nitpicking. I don't need this job!"

Hick's boss said he didn't, either. And that he was going to talk to the mayor and take care of it. Along with the other issues in the note. Like a bicycle and a plant in the way of making an emergence exit, and trash in the trash room.

Hick says one of the residents parks his bicycle in the entry area, but it's back away from the stairs, and not in front of the door. And that there's a plant, but it's also not in the path to the exit, nor on the stairs. As for the trash, it's supposed to be dumped every day by the lady who cleans. And Hick and Old Buddy sometimes dump it in the morning, if there's trash in it when they arrive.

"What are we supposed to do about the trash? Sit around and listen for when somebody drops a bag in, and take it out right then, and wait for the next one to drop?"

His boss said no, of course not. It's the trash room. That's why the building was made with a trash chute. It's getting taken out regularly, not accumulating.

I told Hick: "This guy is out to get you because he knows that you're onto him for not doing HIS job right!"

"That's probably got something to do with it."

Sounds like somebody has an ax to grind, and he'd better not be leaving the shavings in Hick's apartment building!