So Sorry for the Inconvenience You Caused Yourself

Saturday evening around 5:00, I was at the Backroads Casey's to get scratchers. I was not happy to see a car parked over the line at the lone handicap space. At least it's way down at the end, by the trash dumpster area, so without a parking space on the right side of the handicap one. I parked T-Hoe far enough away from that over-line car so that I could get my door all the way open.

It takes me a while to dismount from T-Hoe. Open the door as far as it will go. Move left foot out onto the running board, then the right foot. Then I kind of slide down from the seat, landing on the left foot while letting the right foot come off the running board when I'm halfway to the ground, so as not to bend the knee too tightly. THEN I have to hold onto the door and the side of the car, getting my feet balanced under me as I turn to close the door.

A lady came out of the store and stood on the sidewalk, waiting for me to close the door so she could get to the passenger side of her car. You know what, lady? 

YOU WOULD HAVE HAD ROOM IF YOU HADN'T PARKED OVER THE LINE!

Yes, I know that she was not driving, but whoever her partner was should have known better. I always tell Hick when he parks on or over the line, heh, heh! Then he re-adjusts A-Cad, because he doesn't want to listen to me complaining my continued advice.

She didn't say anything, and I didn't look her in the face, but you know how you can tell by a person's body language when they're annoyed.

I'm really NOT sorry that she had to wait for me to get out of her way. The situation could have been avoided.

Reunions

T-Hoe is home! Hick picked him up around 1:30 on Friday. He got a new alternator, sway bar links, tax & labor, for the not-so-low cost of $435.79. Sadly, no oil change and no shocks. Hick said he could only get done what he could get done. I translate that as it's all Hick wanted to wait on, so as to spend his Friday afternoon shooting the bull with his cronies. Still, I have my T-Hoe back.

We had plenty of time for our reunion, in line at the bank. There was only one other car at the drive-thru, and it pulled in right after me. Still, I waited 30 minutes after putting my business in the canister and shooting it inside. At least I was in the outside lane, where the radio still works. I had to restart it twice, since it goes off after 10 minutes when you turn off T-Hoe. Val is not one for idling at the bank.

Sadly, I had to reset many things on T-Hoe, including the radio to show the artist rather than the station, the air conditioning back to 69 degrees instead of the 74 it had jumped to. Hick had moved the seat and put it on a station I never listen to. But the most traumatic discovery was the CLOCK! I was at the bank around 3:15, but the clock said it was 6:47. Oh, I know how to reset the clock. It's simple. But this was disheartening, because other than changing the hour for daylight savings time twice a year, T-Hoe had been on the same time since I retired! Can't blame all of this on Hick. Things reset when the battery is off for an alternator change.

I had T-Hoe's clock set five minutes ahead, because that's how the clocks were set at school. Five minutes ahead of real time at the high school. It had something to do with the buses running, since they started there and then picked up students from the elementary and middle school. Over the years, T-Hoe's clock gradually gained a couple minutes. I let it go. I knew exactly how many minutes ahead, so I could judge our progress on the way there. At the time I retired in 2016, T-Hoe was 23 minutes ahead. Sure, I could reset it like that. But it wouldn't be the same.

Friday evening, Hick got a phone call. I heard him telling somebody, "Sure. We can get you up. Don't worry about it." Of course I was nosy. I didn't know if it had something to do with The Veteran, who will be having some back surgery. Or if one of his buddies needed a wakeup call. You never know what's going on in Hick's busy schedule, other than it's NOT preventative maintenance on T-Hoe.

Turns out it was Hick's buddy who's been in the hospital. The one of the 90-degree sewer pipe. The one worried about paying back Hick for something. He was out of the hospital (again) and wanted to come to the storage lockers on Saturday to visit with everybody.

"I have them two steps, but there's not a railing. Me and my buddy can help him up."

"Do you have a chair for him?"

"Yeah. I got a chair."

"It will be good for him to get out and see everybody."

"Yeah. He's looking forward to it, but was worried he couldn't get inside."

I hope they all have a good (safe) visit.

T-Hoe, Come Home!

Hick came home around 1:00 on Thursday. WITHOUT T-HOE!

"Your car ain't done yet. He's gonna to call me when it's ready."

"Then how are you going to pick it up? Go back to town for The Pony?"

"No. I'll go get it, bring it home, and you can drive me back to get my truck."

[It's only 5 miles from here.]

"Will there be time? You have to meet that guy down at your store at 5:30."

"No. He saw me going into Walmart this morning, and paid me right there. I thought he was gonna pick up what he bought, but he said he'll get it this weekend."

"Okay. So I'll get ready to take you to town, I guess."

"If he ain't called me by 4:30, I'm going to check on it."

Well. T-Hoe was NOT ready. Not a big deal, because it was a last-minute thing, and Mick the Mechanic has other work. At least Hick took T-Hoe that day. He said he'd have to get T-Hoe on Friday. IF the work was done. So I went without a town trip.

Right now it's Friday, and I'm waiting to see if T-Hoe is finished. Hick has to get a shot at 1:00, and will then go by to see. He was not happy with Mick on Thursday afternoon. Said Mick talked on the phone 20 minutes before acknowledging him. You never know, it might have been business. Mick can't control whether he's already on the phone when Hick pops in.

I really miss my T-Hoe.

Wastin' Away Again in Val-Is-Grounded-Ville

Hey, Universe! Can I catch a break?

As I drove T-Hoe into the garage on Wednesday evening, the BATTERY light came on. Bright red. The symbol of a battery. That's not good. It was a new addition to my CHECK ENGINE light, and the FLAT TIRE light. They're on all the time. Along with messages to check the tire monitor system, and the backup sensor, and to change engine oil soon. T-Hoe is on his last legs, and now had another foot in the grave.

Hick came out to carry in groceries, so I told him that light just came on. He asked if my battery was charging. AS IF I WOULD KNOW! He told me which gauge to look at, and said the needle should be straight up at 14. But no. It was on the left, about a quarter up, between the 14 and the 9. I have no idea what this signifies, but Hick told me to turn off T-Hoe, and then start him up again so Hick could look for himself. Because, you know, Val obviously doesn't know when a needle points halfway between 9 and 14.

It did the same thing upon restarting. Hick said my battery wasn't charging. That it was probably the alternator. Of course I'm not taking a chance on driving to town if my battery is going to go dead! I knew I was doomed.

Here's the thing. If Hick didn't get it fixed on Thursday, I would be trapped at home until at least Tuesday!  That's five days!!! I knew Hick would make no efforts on Friday/Saturday/Sunday, because he can't miss a second of business at his SUS2.5 (Storage Unit Store 2.5), even for his loving wifey. And Monday, he has a medical appointment down in Casino Town.

Hick complained that he really wanted to finish up working on one of the senior apartments Thursday morning, and mow The Pony's yard, and that he had an "appointment" to meet some guy down at his SUS2.5 at 5:30, so he didn't know how he could get T-Hoe fixed at the last minute, because Mick the Mechanic might not be able to work him in. You know, because there are absolutely no other businesses around here that work on cars. Notice that there's not even a pretense of working on Bargain House. I don't think Hick has been over there in a month.

So let's get this straight. The joy Val gets from her one outing for an hour every day to buy scratchers, and her weekly trip to the bank and gas station and Country Mart on Thursdays, is at the very bottom of Hick's to-do list. Perhaps just a scrap of paper duct-taped to the Dead-Sea-Scroll-ish compilation of what Hick has on his agenda.

This is exactly why I was against Hick taking that less-than-$300-a-month job at the senior apartments. Because there's nothing in it for VAL! Hick can't even maintain her current standard of living!

The Elusive Knot for Tying Loose Ends (Part 2)

Hick laid the bundle of mail on the table. It has been coming wrapped in a rubber band. Not that we get so much mail, but it's a way for the carrier to keep it sorted, magazines/circulars wrapped around the various-sized envelopes. It made me wonder how Hick saw an envelope from the city, but I once caught him in the car mirror stuffing an envelope in his back pocket, which turned out to be an insurance refund check! So nothing about Hick's relationship with the mail would surprise me.

Anyhoo... there was indeed a window envelope from the city, and the material inside looked like a check. I used my letter opener to slit the top. Unlike The Pony, who used to think that letter opener was designed to pry along the edge of the glued flap!

Inside, I found THREE checks! You know, just to complicate things even more.

The first check was for the Beauty Shop. It was a refund for $92.74, which should have been $125.00 if it was a full refund. I looked at the FINAL BILL we had gotten, showing $32.26 next to the DP designation, and the amounts added up. They had taken the final payment out of the deposit. I don't like that, but I guess it's a way of collecting money from deadbeats.

The next check was for $125.00 for the main house. That made sense. We had our full deposit back. Yet we had never received a FINAL BILL for this one. There still should have been about two weeks worth of service to account for at the time we had the closing and ownership transferred hands. But hey, it was benefitting us, so no need to complain, right?

The third check confused me even more. It was $6.08, for the main house, and marked as a REFUND OF OVERPAYMENT! The number sequence on this check was not consecutive with the other two refund checks. I have no idea how the city came up with the charges on the main house, because we never got a final bill!

I can only assume that somehow, when the buyer started service, he only did it on the main house. That's because the closing papers listed that as the address, since the properties weren't split, and the Beauty Shop faces another street, with a different address. Perhaps our final bill went to the buyer, who paid it and a couple days that overlapped, since Hick didn't disconnect on closing day, wanting to leave the water on for the buyer.

So mysterious, or so slipshod in the billing process of the city. We came out $6.08 ahead with the city. But we paid $43.88 for water/sewer/trash fees out of our closing settlement with the buyer. Money we had already paid with a check to the city.

I figure the buyer (who seemed like a decent guy) realized that, and maybe got our final bill at his address, or went to city hall to question it, and paid it. If so, then we both come out about even, or with us $6.08 ahead. OR ELSE, the abstract company had actually sent that amount from our closing money to the city, and the bill was double-paid.

Of course, I could be totally wrong...

We're calling this loose end tied! Now I have to sort out The Pony's part of it all, for our tax records.

The Elusive Knot for Tying Loose Ends (Part 1)

Since the closing on the Double Hovel flip house(s) on June 9, we still have not received our water bill deposit money for both accounts. Hick thinks the abstract company gave the buyer credit for the water bills, but did not actually pay them to the city. So we paid the bills, but also paid the buyer that money out of our closing total. I do not like this abstract company, and much prefer the one we have used for out other sales/purchases.

Anyhoo... I sent Hick to city hall to dispute the accounts, because we got a FINAL BILL for the Beauty Shop, but not one for the main house. Also, the FINAL BILL showed an amount of $0.00 due, and an amount of $32.26 next to "DP." I asked Hick what that meant, and he said he thought it meant they took $32.26 out of the deposit that we are due. I guess that makes sense. We know there was a partial month due at each house, for the time between the last bill and the closing. Yet we received no FINAL BILL for the main house.

Hick went July 3rd. I told him to make sure he went in the morning. You know how little people want to actually WORK on the day before a 3-day weekend! Hick was armed with our closing papers showing that we had "given" the buyer the amount of the water bill, and had the date showing we no longer owned the property. He also had the FINAL BILL for the Beauty Shop, so he could ask about the DP code. And the receipts for when he had paid the $125 on each house (in cash) when he started water service for them.

Well. That was a waste of time.

"That girl was really nice, but she didn't know nothin'! She said the lady who handles it wasn't there. That she is the one who sends out checks to return the deposit. So I'll just have to wait, because she mails them."

On July 15th, I told Hick me might need to go back to city hall, because we had STILL not received our deposits, after five weeks since service was stopped. And we had never gotten a FINAL BILL on the main house. Which I kind of need for our records at tax time.

"Oh, I think I saw something in the mail today from the city."

To be continued... 

Hick Needs a Nap

Hick came home early on Monday. At noon! He had been mowing yards in town. Said The Pony has asked if he has an old-fashioned blade mower. One that makes me think of Andy Griffith days. The Pony reasoned that since they don't make noise, they could be used any time, without disturbing the neighbors. Hick actually thinks he might have one, though he is skeptical about The Pony actually using it.

Hick went out to mow our grounds on his precious zero-turn John Deere. I heard and saw him behind the house for a while. He came back in within an hour.

"I gotta have a nap. I don't know what's wrong with me. I about ran into a tree twice, falling asleep."

"Are you okay? Have you had enough water? I don't think it's all that hot today. Maybe 83. But the humidity is high."

"I've had water. I don't know if it's ENOUGH water. I'm gonna sit down."

I was a little worried. Hick didn't even switch the TV from Carnival Eats or Man vs Food. Normally, he would have immediately changed it to Gunsmoke. I didn't want to yell and ask if he was okay, because what's the point of having a nap if somebody is going to wake you up every 10 minutes? I DID get up to check on him. Make sure his chest/stomach was moving. Hick didn't make it any easier, clasping his hands across his chest as arms might be arranged by a mortician. He was fine.

You'd think Hick would have been able to stay awake on that mower, since our newest dog has chewed all the foam off the seat...

Hick Floats

Hick finally had POOLIO ready for swimming last Sunday. Way later than usual. Hick generally starts working on POOLIO in mid-May, getting the cover off, scooping out leaves that escaped the cover-removal, running the filter, taking water samples for testing, and buying chemicals. I have told him he spends about $50 per swim, by the time the summer is over. Not that I begrudge Hick his pool pleasure. He works hard all day, and deserves an hour floating around in the evening.

That's the problem. Every summer, Hick either throws away his floaty things, or they get blown off the deck during storms. He has had a variety over the years. A basic air mattress, a fancy air mattress, a mesh version with a floating rim that left his body below water, a chair shape with a can holder, kickboards, and of course pool noodles.

When the boys were living here, they loved those pool noodles for sword-fighting and clubbing and using to blow jets of water at each other. That's all Hick has in POOLIO right now. Two pool noodles. Not even the long ones. Just the cheap Dollar Store short noodles.

Hick cannot find any pool floaties. 

That's what he says. He has only tried the Dollar Store and Walmart. Saying he couldn't find any. Which is different from saying they are out of them. Maybe they are. Maybe everybody bought them for the 4th of July weekend, and they haven't re-stocked. 

Hick makes use of his noodles. He sits on them! He looks like a giant baby, suspended in one of those door-hanging bouncy thingies. He can still walk around the pool. His chest and shoulders are above water. 

I really hope Hick can find some sort of air mattress. Even a cheap one would be fine. Though Hick says, "Them cheap ones ain't good for me." Heh, heh! That's the point! It is quite entertaining to watch Hick trying to get on a narrow air mattress!

HIPPIE LIVES!

I must be careful not to taunt The Universe. HIPPIE seems to be responding to treatment. His prognosis is guarded, but the signs of recovery are there. When I turn on HIPPIE now, the black screen of OH CRAP does not appear. HIPPIE starts up as normal. In fact, a little faster than normal. Maybe that drenching washed out some dust.

The Pony says it IS possible that HIPPIE could gradually be drying out his innards. That first the warning about the fan might go away. And then the fan might start working again. I sent my important files to myself, just in case. I am tempted to try switching the plug-in mouse thingy back to that other port, to see if it is working now, but I don't want to take a chance, since that part ain't broke right now.

Good thing HIPPIE is feeling better, because The Pony is feeling worse. With a migraine. Asked to put off bringing out the replacement laptop today. Fine with me.

Meanwhile, you don't think I'm going to accept responsibility for this fiasco, do you? It's Hick's fault! I've been sitting at the kitchen table, taking my medicine, for several years without incident. But only two days prior to The Drowning, I had switched cups.

My normal drinking vessel was two red Solo cups stacked together. Because they're too flimsy/squeezy if you use just one. 

Let the record show that these are from Save A Lot, and actually not SOLO, but a brand called DART.

Hick did not like the double-cup. He uses them for his Wild Turkey and Shasta Zero Sugar Cola. Hick says his lips don't fit on the double cup. That some liquid dribbles out, or goes down in the second cup. I say that's a personal problem. Somebody who doesn't know how to drink! Just like Hick keeps his lips together while sneezing. Instead of saying ACHOO, Hick says PPPPFFFFTTTT, like a raspberry.

Anyhoo... because I didn't like carrying Hick's drink to his recliner in a flimsy/squeezy cup, I bought a different kind. 

Not sure what they are, but they are thicker, and have a square bottom. [Upon taking the picture, it looks like Hick's cups are actually the SOLO brand, but a square bottom version.] It's one of these I switched to for my medicine water. I use my cups for a week or two. It's only water. I'm not someone trying to clutter up the world with used cups. The square-bottom cups are stacked on the cutting block, so I just took one of them. It's a corner of the square bottom that caused my cup to tip. A round bottom cup would not have, because I'm used to its dimensions. 

See there? It WAS Hick's fault!

Val Drowns a HIPPIE and Kills a Mouse

The Universe is not cutting Val a break. This week brought a twisted knee (the better one), making a trip to town impossible for two days. In the midst of that was the power outage. And Friday morning, 

VAL DROWNED HIPPIE AND KILLED HER MOUSE!

HIPPIE, my HP laptop, is quite long in the tooth. I can't remember a time without HIPPIE. I think he might have been running Windows 8, before kicking and screaming could not prevent an upgrade to Windows 10.

Anyhoo... HIPPIE has grown cantankerous over the years. Sometimes going crazy and opening apps at random. Or locking up, refusing to move or even shut down. Shortly before noon on Friday, I took a pill and set down my red Solo cup of water. Only it didn't set down! It hit the edge of HIPPIE. In my haste to right the cup, I over-righted it, and water flowed across HIPPIE'S keyboard!!!

I immediately grabbed HIPPIE and flipped him upside down. Gave him a shake. Balanced him upside down across the table edge and a box of files on the kitchen chair beside me. I left HIPPIE suspended upside down as I mopped up the table water, changed clothes, and put the wet items in the dryer.

When I returned to HIPPIE, I gave him several shakes. Wiped across the keys with some paper towels while he was still upside down. When I righted him, HIPPIE was still running! Still had a window open. Still had internet. But the mouse would not respond!

That mouse didn't even get wet! Not a drop. It was not in the direction of the water flow. I set it on HIPPIE'S power cord during cleanup, lest some water creep that way. The mouse remained bone dry.

I thought that maybe I had hit a key while wiping HIPPIE upside down. There were a couple odd apps open. I used that keypad thingy to close them, and do a proper shutdown, so HIPPIE could restart and maybe get everything sorted.

NOOOOOO!!!

I got the black screen of OH CRAP! Saying the fan didn't work, and continuing might cause erratic behavior or damage. I had 15 seconds to continue or abort this mission. Well. I read too slowly, looking at the gibberish under that statement. HIPPIE shut down again. I powered him up again. Same message. I continued.

I propped HIPPIE so he was not flat on the table. Still no mouse. I took off the cover and twisted the battery around. It said it's good until 2030. I turned the mouse off and on. Each time, I'd get a green light, but then it would turn to flashing red.

I called The Pony, who has drowned a couple of laptops. The Pony said I should have turned off power the minute HIPPIE was drowned, and set him on a vent for several days, before trying to turn him on again. But that since other parts seemed to be working, that would be futile now.

The Pony said maybe it was the port used for that plug-in thingy that runs the mouse. So try it in a different port. IT WORKED! I got a chime-y sound, and a box saying Logitech was loading. I turned the mouse back on, and IT WORKED! The Pony is a genius sometimes.

The Pony says that a bad fan is a big problem. That I might be able to keep using HIPPIE, but to email myself any important files I didn't want to lose. Like my tax returns!

I actually have another laptop, new two Christmases ago, bought for me by The Pony. I put off switching over for two tax seasons, because I wanted to be comfortable using my regular method of filing taxes. I hate learning the spacing of a new keyboard, and switching over to Windows 11 or whatever laptops come with now. The Pony kept it at his house, loading some entertainment for me in the form of shows and games.

It might be time to fire up that new laptop. The Pony is bringing it out tomorrow.

Hick Buys Himself a Winner

Hick is not known for his luck with lottery tickets. He's good at many things, but buying winning scratchers is not one of them. Hick is a regular MacGyver at solving problems...

Saturday evening, Hick had a tale from his SUS2.5 (Storage Unit Store 2.5).

"This guy come in and said he had a $1000 lottery ticket that he'd sell me for $700."

"Was it REALLY a winner?"

"Yeah. I seen it myself. But I ain't stupid. The lottery will take at least 24% in taxes. So I really wouldn't be making anything."

"No. Remember when we cash in MY $1000 winners? We each claim half. There's NO tax withheld on a single ticket when winnings are less than $600.01. So we get $500 each. No withholding, just report it at tax time, any winnings that are more than losings. I just don't want to ride up there and back for three hours. It hurts my knees, all that riding all at once, only getting out for ten minutes. I still have a $1000 winner that expires Aug 26. I was going to mail it this week."

"I can get Pony to go with me! We can claim 50% on those tickets. And then Pony will give that half back to us."

"Yes. That can work. Is the guy bringing the ticket back?"

"Yeah. I told him I didn't know if I wanted it, but I didn't have that much money on me right then. So I can get it tomorrow."

HE DID!

Technically, Hick bought himself a winning lottery ticket! He doesn't know where the guy got it. This is the newest $5 ticket that just came out a couple weeks ago. Hick made $300 on this deal.

Don't you worry about Val! Here's my ticket that I'd been putting off redeeming, not wanting to take that long ride with Hick. Any ticket winning over $500 has to be redeemed at a state lottery office, either in person, or by mail.

They don't sell this one any more. I think I got it last summer. I HAVE been watching the expiration date. So now that "problem" has been resolved.

We appreciate The Pony's help. It's time The Pony had a $1000 winner.

Val Has Regained Power

Our electricity went off at 8:47 on Tuesday night. It was not quite black dark yet. I was at the kitchen table, and said I didn't have a flashlight. Hick, reclining in his recliner, said he didn't have one, either.

"WHAT? It's right there on the table! Next to the arm of the couch."

Hick said he had to turn on his phone flashlight to find it, even though it is a big red metal flashlight that has been in the same place for years. He brought it to me, and went out to start the generator. It seemed to be taking a long time. So long that I had time to hobble to the bathroom, but not flush, because, you know, the well won't run without electricity, and we only get one flush with the water in the tank. You want to make it worth that flush!

Once I was out, Hick came in and switched on whatever he does to let some of the breakers run with generator power.

"So now I can flush, use the lights, TV, microwave, and my laptop. The refrigerator is on. But no oven, no washer/dryer..."

"And no air conditioner," said Hick as he turned it off, and I went to flush.

"What took so long? Was the generator not working? I just got a notice from the electric company that there are reports our power might be out. So somebody called it in."

"It didn't have no gas. So I had to go get some at the BARn. I'm going to town to make sure we have enough."

"You're putting on a shirt, aren't you? And real shoes?"

"I'll put on a shirt, but my Crocs are good enough."

Hick left around 9:15. Got back at 9:45.

"They have lights halfway up the hill from the mailboxes. So it's just us out here. I didn't see nothin'. Maybe a limb fell on the line, and shut it down. I didn't see no crews. And it's been an hour already."

The outage map showed 53 customers without power. That's us, up in our enclave. So I knew we would not be a high priority if more people were out somewhere else.

Hick said the generator could run 4 or 5 hours, and then everything would just go off. But that if I saw the dusk-to-dawn light come back on, or if the electric company sent an email saying power was back, to wake him so he could shut off the generator and reconnect regular power. That happened at 10:57.

I woke Hick. He went outside in his tighty-whities and camouflage Crocs. If you drive up our gravel road at night, avert your eyes!

The email said the cause of the outage was a tree limb. Hick thinks they just had to reset something on a pole down by the mailboxes. It only took so long because they hadn't assigned a crew, and then the crew had to drive about an hour to get here.

No Tales Today

We have a power outage tonight (Tuesday) at the time I usually prepare the tales of Hick's (mis)adventures. I have a small widow of internet usage while the generator powers our hillbilly mansion. Of course we are short on gas, so Hick has gone to town to get more. 

I will use my time with electricity to warm my supper in the microwave (can't run the oven on the generator), and get a flush of the toilet while the well has power.

Lucky Hick already got his supper warmed in the oven. And was on the way to bed when everything went dark. We had some storms earlier, but everything was calm when the electricity went off. Not even any rain. Once Hick started the generator, and the wi-fi came back, we got a text from the electric company.

Potential Power Outage Notification

"Our crews are investigating reported outages in our territory. Currently we are unable to provide an estimated restoration time."

Well. The power outage is not just "reported." The power is out. No air conditioning for us, since the generator is not big enough to power the whole house. At least FRIG II is running, and I can use the microwave, TV, internet, and lights. Plus we have water. If Hick can't get gas because the power is out in town, those amenities will only last until the generator runs out of gas.

I'd rather have supper than provide a blog post for a handful of readers...

Hick Might Be the Keymaster

Hick found an unusual item at the auction on Monday night. Spent $160 for it. He said he doesn't know what it's worth, because he hasn't looked it up yet. But it's something he couldn't pass up.

I think this must be the original box. It seems aged.

Inside, the plastic wrap is there, but has been opened. Seriously. If YOU had this item, wouldn't you want to open it and take a look?

It came with an insert inside, which looks appropriately aged.

That's the front. Here's the back.

I'm not sure if this is something Hick wants to keep in his collection, or if he will sell it.

"So, is this a SPY gun?"

"No. I don't think so. Just a key gun."

As IF that's a thing. I've never heard of it before. It reminds me of a show I watched about spies, and their freaky equipment like umbrellas that could poison people.

Happy 6th of July

We had our 4th of July BBQ on July 6th. The Pony came out, and Hick grilled some sausages. We had gone shopping for provisions on Thursday, but could find no bratwursts! And the sausage patties were not what we like. They were all jalapeno, cheddar, and jalapeno cheddar. I tried a different store on Saturday, with the same result. Although they DID have a pack of four cheddar/bacon patties. I bought a pack of sausage, even thought it meant I would have to make my own patties. I also got some hamburger. 

I picked up The Pony, and we whipped up some baked beans. Then started on the patty-making. I have a device that you can plop the meat onto, and squeeze down the lid. It takes more time, but you don't get your hands all fatty while making hamburgers or sausage patties.

We took the easy route this time. Simple food from the freezer.

I worry about Hick's appetite. He had a single sausage patty! And two hash browns, a few onion rings, baked beans, and part of an onion he stole off my plate while I was in the bathroom. Hick never said he wanted onion!

The Pony had a hamburger and a sausage patty. He really liked the onions rings, but not so much the hash browns. Baked beans and a southwest salad completed The Pony's meal. Along with a rum and Coke. The hamburger was left over, and half of the salad, plus a hash brown.

I had a hamburger, onion rings, hash brown, pickle and (most of) an onion, with a salad and ample ketchup and mayo. It was quite tasty, and I finished all but the salad.

The Pony had sausage patties and hamburgers to take home. Along with some desserts. I found a cherry pie for Hick. And some "turtle" brownies, blueberry bread, and mini strawberry donuts. The Pony took home all the S'mores cookies that we found on Thursday. Fine with me. It's not a flavor I like. Hick will have that cherry pie all to himself. I'm not a fan of pie.

We'll be having leftovers for a few days.

A Stinging Rebuke for Hick

For the past few weeks, Hick had been getting POOLIO ready for the summer. He usually starts this process around the end of May. I guess he had too much going on then, what with feuding with the guy who has a driveway on HIS LAND, and getting the senior apartments ready for renting, and helping assorted cronies. 

Anyhoo... POOLIO is at least 20 years old. An above-ground pool that was nice when first installed. The boys loved it. Genius was around 10. The Pony had to walk on tiptoes and tilt his head back to keep his face above the surface so he could breathe. Fun times were had in POOLIO. Val even took a dip on occasion.

First Hick had to remove the cover, which was done with the assistance of his tractor. It was not a smooth process. In past years, he had the assistance of Genius or The Pony or The Veteran. Then Hick had to add more water, which could only be done while he was outside supervising, lest our newest crazy dog decide to chew a hole in the hose he runs from the outside spigot over the well. Next was running the filter, which had some problems Hick fixed. Then new sand for that filter. And letting the top skimmer thingy do its job for a while. This week Hick took a water sample to the pool place, and got chemicals.

Friday evening, I returned home to an indignant Hick.

"I went to put the ladder back down in the pool, and about 30 wasps came swarming out! I got stung 3 times! One on the thumb. That's the one that hurts. It didn't swell or nothin', but the joint really hurts."

"Good thing you're not allergic! My dad had to carry an epi pen when he was climbing poles and working on phone lines."

"Yeah. Well. That's a good thing."

Hick is like a stinger magnet. Whether it was these wasps (which have been know for years to hang out down by POOLIO and under the back porch) or yellowjackets that he mows over and aggravates, Hick takes a stinging every summer. Those insects either find him delectable, or have a vendetta.

At least Hick now has about a month to enjoy POOLIO before the nights turn cool, and the water becomes cold.

A Holiday Supper

Ever since Hick brought home the new menu for June, I had been looking forward to the July 3rd lunch at the Senior Center. That's a whole month! I was kind of excited, but not quite to the Reuben Sandwich level. I have been mentioning weekly that I wanted that lunch for supper.

BBQ Pork Steaks

Potato Salad

Mac & Cheese

Red, White, Blue Cake OR Fruit

Doesn't that sound good? Hick said he'd make sure to get it ordered, to have it ready for take-out when he was done eating his meal there. In fact, he also ordered one for himself. No cooking for me! He brought the two meals home and put them in FRIG II, still tied up in the white plastic bags with eleventy-billion knots at the top. 

As I was getting ready for town, I rescued those meals from their bondage, to see how they looked. Let's just say it was not what I expected.

See what I mean? It also had green beans. Heh, heh! That's not at all what I mean. Perhaps you recall other pictures of Thevictorians feasting on BBQ pork steaks. The Flintstone-sized version. This is about 1/5 the size of a regular pork steak. Not that I expected the Senior Center to serve up such gargantual proportions. I realize that most elderlies (and most normal people) don't feed like Thevictorians at the trough. I was just surprised by the size. It's smaller than a pork chop.

Anyhoo... the sides were generous. The best was the mac & cheese, though I hardly ever eat it, and am used to it being more of a cheddar or Velveeta cheese than whatever white cheese this was. I did not like the potato salad. It was too sweet. What can they put in there to make potato salad sweet? Maybe it was relish. Maybe Miracle Whip. Not a fan. It was typical storebought potato salad. I did manage to finish the entire serving... I did not like the beans. They were wax beans. Again, they had a sweet taste. I even tried some salt, and adding some crispy fried onions on top. Not a fan.

The cake looked good, though it was not red, white, nor blue. Looked like the standard storebought cake. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I don't imagine the cooks at the Senior Center to be up before dawn, wearing puffy white chef hats, making a cake from scratch to feed a hundred or more people. I can't give a description of the taste, because I don't eat the desserts. I give them to Hick.

When Hick looked at the meals, he was also surprised.

"When I got there, I saw them making some hamburgers. So I ordered ours right away, to make sure they didn't run out and give us hamburgers. In fact, they was also cuttin' up pork steaks. Like making smaller portions. I guess they had a lot of call-in orders. We had a different cake. It was white, with colored sprinkles on the icing."

Still, it was a meal I didn't have to cook. The pork steak was nice, after I warmed it in the oven and got a nice glaze on the sauce. I put mine on a bun, with some shredded lettuce, pickle, and onion. I would have it again, but without such anticipation. And next time, I'd give Hick the potato salad and wax beans, as well as the dessert.

We will be doing our own grilling on Sunday, when The Pony comes to join us.

There's a Fine Line Between Do-Gooderism and Gladys Kravitz Busybodyness

The day after Hick rescued the old lady, Wallet Man came up to him in the lunchroom and said, "We really appreciate all the things you do. Even things most people don't know about." Which was a nice VALidation for Hick. He was pleased.

Two days later, Hick was up to his Do-Gooding again. Wednesday evening, he said:

"There's this old man who usually eats lunch at the Senior Center. He don't live there, but he's there most days. I ain't seen him for about a week. And the last time I saw him, he didn't look too good. I'm kinda worried about him. I know he's in the VFW with The Veteran. So I called to ask him about the guy.

The Veteran said he'd check. Everyone he asked said they hadn't seen the guy, and that he'd missed several VFW events recently that he normally goes to. The Veteran was able to get Old Man's address and phone number from the VFW. He tried to call, but there was no answer. He said he'd go by his apartment, and if nobody was there, he'd call the police for a welfare check.

When he got there, the Old Man came to the door. He said he'd been in the hospital."

"I don't want to say GOOD, because he's been in the hospital. But it IS kind of good news, considering how it could have turned out."

"Yeah. I'm glad the Old Man is okay."

I hate to think that it took a WHOLE WEEK for people to be concerned. But you can't just go jumping to conclusions every time somebody changes their routine. Though the "how to murder your wife" shows I've been watching lately say otherwise...

The Audacity of the White Truck Guy Rumpushole

I may not have been keeping you updated on White Truck Guy, who regularly parks in the lone handicap space at the Gas Station Chicken Store. It's not because he has quit doing so. Even though I've been going to town later and later, I still encounter him in my rightful handicap space a couple times a week. Only now he's Red Truck Guy. Several months ago he traded vehicles. 

Anyhoo... there he was again at 5:30 on Tuesday evening. I pulled in behind his running red truck. Didn't look like he was inside. With the heat index near 100, I didn't feel like sitting there with T-Hoe running, nor walking the extra distance to the door. You never know if White Truck Guy is about to come out and leave, or sit in his truck a while, or stay inside for 20 minutes. So I left to go about my other business of getting scratchers at Casey's.

I can see that parking spot from Casey's. It's just over the moat beside Hick's pharmacy, which sits between the two convenience stores. You know that I was in Casey's for a while. Everyone here, and cameras from space, can verify that Val is a slow mover. I figured this was another of White Truck Guy's lengthy visits, so I drove up town to mail some bills. Being careful to avoid that street beside the giant sinkhole, because The Pony asked me to way back when it was even smaller.

Anyhoo... by the time I got back to the Gas Station Chicken Store, White Truck Guy's red truck was gone from the handicap space. I parked and started in.

Well, I'll be ding-dang-donged! The red truck was now sitting under the roof, parked at the gas pump closest to the door. He has done this before. I suppose he checks his tickets, then goes back inside. My favorite cashier has said that Man Owner has asked him not to block the gas pumps, but he continues. 

As I got closer to the door, out came WHITE TRUCK GUY! I'd know him anywhere. He glanced over at me, and HELD THE DOOR OPEN.

That's not fair! That's dirty pool! What a low-life thing to do, hold open the door for the grouchy hobbling old lady who despises him for parking in her rightful handicap space! Of course I had to tell him "Thank you" as I went in.

Pardon me for being cynical, but it's another case of the actions not belying the sentiment, which I experienced with another handicap parking space usurper last week, and shamed on my supersecret blog. White Truck Guy will hold the door open to help me, yet he cannot keep his truck out of the handicap parking space to help me. 

Sorry that I can't pretend I honestly appreciated his door-holding olive branch.

Val's Efforts to Be a Do-Gooder Are Thwarted by a Johnny on the Spot

I was in line at 10Box on Monday, behind a guy who was only buying a quart of ice cream. Or however much ice cream you get these days in that oval container. He was paying with cash, and came up short. According to the Young Guy Cashier, he needed 48 cents, after counting up three bills and coins.

I was reaching into my shirt pocket to pull out a dollar when another man walked across the end of the conveyor. "Hey, buddy. I gotcha." He counted out change and put it on the conveyor next to Ice Cream Guy's pile of cash.

"Thanks a lot! I'll look you up later and pay you back," said Ice Cream Guy as the donator proceeded into the store. "He's my neighbor."

Ice Cream Guy was quite talkative. He started telling a story of how he got in trouble for not showing up to court for resisting arrest and getting tased and it taking him two weeks to be able to walk again. How he hadn't even got notice that he was supposed to appear in court. How he'd gone to the courthouse to see if he had any charges, and they told him he had missed his court date and they'd sent him a letter. But the letter went to (another) neighbor's house, who refused it, and sent it back. 

Young Guy Cashier was counting up the money, so Ice Cream Guy had turned to me to tell his story. I'd already heard part of it on the chip aisle, when he was on the other side, telling an old man looking for peanuts that he had a 2.4 million dollar lawsuit against the cops, but he couldn't afford a lawyer.

I knew that old man was looking for peanuts, because he had his cart in the middle of the chip aisle, and apologized to me before rounding the corner. I don't think he knew Ice Cream Guy. I wondered why Ice Cream Guy didn't just get a lawyer that only takes part of the settlement if he wins. I didn't ask about it, because, you know, I really didn't want to engage.

After Ice Cream Man left, without even putting his ice cream in a bag, I told Young Guy Cashier, "I was ready to give him a dollar when that other guy showed up. Then you wouldn't have had to count all that change."

"Oh, I don't mind counting the change. It's just part of the job."

And here came Ice Cream Man back into the store! Saying, "I forgot I have $15 on my card!"

Not sure what he came back to get. But if he was short a few cents, I would still have given him the dollar. It's the thought that counts.

Hick To the Rescue. Again.

I got a late start to town on Saturday. Hick was already home from his SUS2.5 (Storage Unit Store 2.5), reclining in his recliner, bemoaning the heat. I was almost to the lettered county blacktop highway when I got a call from Hick. That was unusual. He knew I had just left for town. It was 5:30. 

"I just got a call from the apartments. Old Gal fell, and she can't get up. Her daughter can't get in the door, so she called for me to come unlock it. I'm leaving now."

Of course I hoped Old Gal was okay. It's never good when an elderly takes a tumble. It's also good that Hick was only sipping on a Diet Mountain Dew at the time, and could drive 20 minutes to town to take care of this incident. Seems like being 'on call' 24/7/365 should be worth more than 'less than $300 a month,' heh, heh!

Anyhoo... supper was delayed. Hick got home around 7:00. He said he and the daughter couldn't get Old Gal up, so they called the EMTs, who did it with no problem. They asked if she wanted to go to the hospital and get checked out. She asked her daughter, who said, "I don't think so. You just took your sleeping pill and fell down because you weren't using your cane. You're probably okay."

Hick said that yes, she seemed a little confused and was slurring some words, because of the sleeping pill. Her daughter says that's how it makes her react. She said her hip was hurting a little, but she was able to walk on it. They just put her back to bed. 

"What kind of floor is it?"

"It's tile for the bathroom, and carpet for the bedroom. She was kind of half on each. She got up for the bathroom, and fell on the way."

"Did she pee herself?"

"No. She tried to get in the bathroom and pull herself up, but she couldn't."

"Did they let her pee before putting her back to bed?"

"No."

"Well, that's not a good thing! I hope you don't have to go back."

"I gave her daughter a key. I think I'm going to put a drop box in there. So the fire department can get access to the keys when they need to get in and help somebody."

"Heh, heh! So you're just going to make sure somebody ELSE is on call for these things."

"Yeah, pretty much."

That Hick is such a helper. Though I would probably lie here for half a day or more if I took a tumble while he was in town...