Monday, February 10, 2014

WARNING: Immature Content

You're not gonna believe this one. I was going to send it to my blog buddy Joe H. for his fake headlines. But it's real. And it's spectacular. Sorry, Joe. I'm keeping it.

You know how Val tries to keep you in-the-know. Whether it's feces transplants, or gender-and-species confused tuxedo cats, or a single spider exploding into millions of itsy-bitsy spiders at five minutes to midnight in a dark basement are there. So tonight, in the spirit of keeping my readers abreast of development in the world of animal rescues, I present:

"It Is Weird, But My Maternal Instinct Just Kicked In"

Oh, it's weird all right! And something needs to be kicked. Wait! Perhaps that title is not descriptive enough. Here's the rest of it: "How a woman breast-fed an orphaned Labrador puppy when it was just one hour from death." Uh huh. Now you want to click on it, don't you?

I cry shenanigans! How did that woman know the puppy was one hour from death? Is she psychic? Is she a veterinarian? Oh, no. She's not. But a real veterinarian advised against this practice of human women breastfeeding canine puppies. Go figure! Seems diseases could be passed. You don't say! And that Feeder had a 15-month-old child! Ain't that a kick in the head? "Sorry, honey. You can eat later. The puppy is one hour from death. It's his turn now." Or maybe she let them both feed at the same time. What's that you say? That would be just plain weird? THE WHOLE FREAKIN' SITUATION IS WEIRD!

Certain lines should not be crossed. Like the puppy lips on a human nipple line. Somewhere, between love and madness, lies obsession. Wait! That was a Calvin Klein commercial. But this woman is clearly obsessed. And quite mad, in my opinion. I'm not a puppy-hater. I rescued that puppy who turned into my best pet ever, my sweet, sweet Juno, when my mom tried to starve her so she would go away. But let me set the record straight. If it came down to the ONLY way I could save my future sweet, sweet Juno was by breastfeeding her...I would have gotten a shovel and started digging her the best grave ever. Call me a dog-killer if you must. But one thing nobody is ever going to call Val is a puppy-suckler.

Seriously. Where do we draw the line? Maybe puppy-suckling is a gateway behavior. Before you know it, that gal could be arrested (in some states) for having intimate relations with an equine! I try to be open-minded, but canoodling between species should be prohibited. Even if Feeder wanted to save that puppy she knew was going to die in one hour, and the only antidote was her breast milk straight from the teat, DID SHE HAVE TO CONVENIENTLY PROVIDE A PICTURE OF THE ACT ON FACEBOOK? And keep breastfeeding him until the one-time runt with one hour to live eventually outgrew his litter mates to the extent he is now called TUBS?

I think not.

My proposed handbasket factory will reap the benefits.


  1. Sorry, but on this one, I do NOT want to know, do not want to see or comment. Ewww!

  2. That's real? Damn, now I need another "fake" headline.
    I agree with you of course, but I have to say a Labrador puppy is cuter then any baby of our species.

  3. , But, will the puppy grow up enough that he will walk up (on his long, grown legs) to the milk jugs, eager to quench his thirst, and get his photo plastered on a national magazine?

  4. Could the woman not think of any other way to EXPRESS herself?

  5. However, I can condone a puppy's nose in a human's mouth every now and again.

  6. knancy,

    The Labrador puppy was probably cuter than his feeder.

    So disturbing. At least this was not a cover story. Yet.

    She was a real BOOB!. Apparently she had no problem JUGgling the pup and the tot.

    I knew you'd be back. Like the eye is drawn to a train wreck, readers are drawn to my blog.

    That dog nose chewing was not a conscious act. My jaws were already moving when Juno inserted her tasty rubbery proboscis. I shall be held faultless.

  7. I would go to great lengths to save a puppy or kitten .... oh wait, I did. I got up every 2 hours and suckled Mr. Martha, the boy cat, with a BOTTLE. A tiny bottle with a tiny nipple and formula for his species. I even had to make him poop and pee, but I did not use my tongue!!! Makes me wonder now how she was taking care of that end of things, because they have to be stimulated in the beginning ..........

    Besides all that, I breast fed all my kids, even the twins (I have 2 breasts), because that was the very best thing for babies to eat. Cow milk is next and if cow milk is good enough for humans as a substitute ....... then a puppy could survive on it. he clearly enjoyed it, since she continued to feed him after his life was saved. Maybe she is still feeding him.

  8. Kathy,
    EXACTLY! That Suckler could surely have overpowered a tiny 60-minutes-to-live pup, and pried his mouth open, and dripped drops of any kind of milk onto the back of his tongue, and held his muzzle closed to make him swallow. Would she put her human baby down on a dog's side to suckle from a canine teat?

    Let's not even go there!

  9. I saw the headline about this somewhere....and chose NOT to go look at the photo. I'm with you, Val, if this is really's also SICK. I think it must be fake, though....But again, I didn't see the photo. I know Nothing!

  10. Becky,
    Hey there! It's Val. Sadly poking a gaping hole in your "fake" theory. It was real.