The Butcher and the Candlestick Maker Get More Respect

Thwarted at every turn! Val could not hang out her shingle as a culinary artist even if she possessed the requisite skills. Like a polo champion mounted on a horse-donkey, a NASCAR driver behind the wheel of a Rascal, a diver poised over a teacup...Val is beset with adversity. Were it not for the lack of a lower heating element, Val's proverbial goose would be cooked.

Perhaps I've let it slip that my oven has not been firing on all cylinders since at least November. I noticed it then, because when I made my first batch of world-famous Chex Mix, a Cheerio fell out of the pan. Normally, I would snag that sucker with a wooden spoon and whisk it out of char's way. But I was preoccupied that day, and left it until the two-hour Chex-tending cycle was done, fully expecting to see a tiny charcoal donut awaiting disposal. I'm still waiting.

That Cheerio is as well-preserved as a five-year-old bag of McDonald's french fries. As pristine as the day it poured out of the box. I left it there, you see, as a test. To see if it would burn each time I used my oven. It did not. I complained to brought it to the attention of Hick. "There's an element in this oven that won't light on one side." Perhaps I am a bit of a Grinch. "The bottom side does not seem to be working. Go ahead. Touch it. Even though I'm cooking at 425, that element is not on." Huh. Neither Hick nor Genius would lay a finger on it. You'd think they were professional science teachers, all knowledgeable about conduction and convection and radiation.

My problem has remained. I can't crisp a pizza, can't get my biscuits to brown on the bottom. Everything must cook on the top rack, where the surface blackens, the middle barely surpasses lukewarm, and the lower portion sometimes remains frozen. C'mon. You didn't think I really cooked, did you? To solve this issue, I have taken to setting my over 25 to 50 degrees higher than recommended. Mmm...makes you want to drop in for dinner, huh?

Last weekend, Hick told me he checked my lower element with a gadget. According to The Pony, it was a multi-meter that measures ohms. He didn't help Hick then. All we have is Hick's word. Hick said that my whole oven was bad, because his meter said that the element was working. Which meant something more serious was amiss. That's Hick's story, and he's stickin' to it. I knew my whole oven wasn't bad. After all, it has one perfectly good upper element that fires up red and burns the tops of most edibles that need warming. And all four burners still work. So I was not necessarily on board with Hick's last-ditch solution of buying a new range. Hick even went so far as to drop by the furniture store and Lowe's to check them out.

Yesterday Hick told me all I needed was a bottom bake element. Uh huh. Seems he had The Pony help him check the oven again. And lo and behold, the element was NOT working. According to The Pony, Hick said Genius must have used that multi-meter, and set it on amps instead of volts, which Hick did not notice. My condolences to his employer, who pays him twice my salary to do this sort of thing all the live-long day. Hick's story was that he couldn't really get into the oven to check it right, so he needed The Pony's help. I reminded him that he used THAT story to explain why he hadn't yet found the leak sprung by the big triangle tub in the master bathroom. Now he says the tub issue is on hold because he can't SEE what he's trying to inspect inside his built-in tub cabinet with removable doors. He really needs to keep a chart of what stories he gives me for specific appliance repair status.

Anyhoo...Hick gave me a website and part number to order an element that looks nothing like my old one. That website was a ne'er-do-well in a back alley with pantyhose over his face waiting to club me on the noggin with a lead pipe, according to Firefox. So I refused to feed it my credit information. Hick went to Lowe's and asked them to order the part shipped to the store, since they are a Whirlpool dealer. They declined, but gave him a website for me to use which was secure.

We'll see if this plan works. Val does not need "half-baked" associated with her persona.