This Is Why We Can't Have Cheap Lunch Specials

My favorite gambling aunt sent me a text two nights ago, wanting to have lunch. I hadn't heard from her since before Christmas, except that brief phone call last week, when she asked what symptoms I had just before my gallbladder surgery.

Auntie was on the way home from Urgent Care, with a terrible cough, and said she had medicine for that, but she had such a pain in her side that she'd had to pull off the road three times, and vomited once. Oh, but she hadn't thought to mention the side pain to the Urgent Care doctor, even though she'd been having it off and on, because she was only there because of her cough.

Anyhoo...Auntie seems to be on the mend, and I didn't mention her gall bladder over lunch. I don't think that's done in polite company. And we ARE a couple of refined ladies. Yes, indeed. I was too busy updating her on our mystery pooper in the garage.

We usually meet at Pizza Hut. It's conveniently located between our homes. We used to drive over to Bill-Paying Town and have something fancy, like all-you-can-eat at the FelineFish Skillet, or something more spicy at a wild wings place. Now we just don't want to make that effort. We meet at 11:00, to beat the lunch rush, and because we usually sit around a couple of hours talking.

Last time we had lunch, I was disappointed to see that Auntie's bill was LESS than mine, when she had a Personal Pan, a salad, and a soda...and I just had a Personal Pan and water. I'm pretty sure it was a conspiracy on the part of the waitress. But I looked over both bills, and for some reason, my single little pizza was more. Auntie said I should have gotten the special. I was determined to do so today. AND to bring one home for Hick's supper.

As Even Steven would have it, our waitress had a short-term memory problem. I don't think she ever played in the NFL, but her noggin was seriously scrambled. She was wasted on something. I did not detect a whiff of illicit substance on her, so I don't know her excuse. But we had to tell her things two or three times, and still didn't get the result we expected.

To start with, we waited by the sign that said PLEASE WAIT TO BE SEATED, and when Wastetress came over, she said, "Oh, you two can go sit where you want. Our buffet doesn't start until 11:30." It used to start at 11:00. Not that we ever get it.

"Oh, we don't want the buffet. We're going to order off the menu."

"The salad bar is open, but not the buffet yet."

We sat down at the first table from the door. No need to walk any farther than necessary. Wastetress asked if she could get our drinks, and Auntie ordered unsweet tea (diabetic) and I ordered a Diet Coke. Wastetress said they only had Diet Pepsi, and I said I'd take it. We ASSUMED (you know the problem with that) that Wastetress would be back with the drinks and the menus.

"Here's the Diet Pepsi. But I forgot...did you want SWEET tea?"

"Oh, NO! UNsweet tea!"

"I wanted to make sure, because I forgot." Wastetress came back with the tea, but no menus. "So you both are having the buffet?" Even though it didn't open for a half hour.

"No. We don't want the buffet. We want Personal Pan pizzas. Don't you have a menu?" Auntie was starting to sense a problem. Wastetress acted like a light bulb went on over her head, and excused herself to go get menus.

"I don't see that Personal Pan lunch special. I don't see ANY lunch specials. I hope they still have it. I hope a soda comes with it. Because I don't really like Diet Pepsi, but if it's part of a special, you can bet I'm getting a soda and not water!"

When Wastetress came back, Auntie asked about the Personal Pan lunch special. Wastetress assured her that they had it, and said that yes, I could get one as carry out to take with me. So we both got a Personal Pan, one trip to the salad bar, and a drink. And I ordered the same to go, for Hick.

Let the record show that the salad bar was very good! It had just the right stuff on it. We both made a delicious salad, and when our Personal Pans came (mine without olives because that's what Auntie had asked to be left off of HERS, and hers WITH green peppers, which she had also asked to be left off), I made sure that Hick's to-go order was also the special. Yes. Wastetress even brought me a salad container to fill before I left.

Auntie reminded me to get a drink for Hick, too. So I filled the salad, then had to remember to ask for Hick's Personal Pan at the counter when I paid, and get him a drink, and ask for a bag to carry it, and ask for the senior discount. Auntie is good at ordering me around, making sure I get my money's worth. Though she let me down that last time when I paid more for a single pizza than all the other stuff.

Let the record show that I had already scoped out my receipt. The charge was the same for both mine and Hick's. $6.99. My Diet Pepsi was listed on it, and my single trip to the salad bar, but with no charge. Hick's Meat Lover's Personal Pan also showed $6.99, but did not show a salad or a drink, I assumed because I hadn't specified yet what kind.

An older, manager-looking lady took my money. I asked about the Meat Lover's, and she went to get it. "I just took it out." I asked for the drink, and she looked like I was robbing her.

"For the lunch special. I got one for carry out."

"It was not put in as a combo. It was put in as just a pizza."

"I was told it was a combo. It's the exact same price as MY combo. A Personal Pan was just $4.99 on the menu."

Ringer-Upper kind of sighed. "Well...I'll have to go make the breadsticks." It was my turn to look blank. "Oh. You don't WANT the breadsticks?"

"No. I got a salad. She brought me a container, and I already made it."

Ringer-Upper told Wastetress (who had walked by and asked if I needed a bag--good thing, because I'd forgotten, in all the wangling over the special) to run me an unsweet tea (hope she remembered, or Hick might be in a coma or shock right about now). THEN I dared ask for the senior discount. And got another robby look.

"If you have one...I thought you might have a senior discount..."

"Oh. We do." She fiddled around with the computerized register. And took TWO DOLLARS off my total! Whoop-ti-do! My bill went from $15-something to $13-something! Can't beat THAT with a stick!

Or get it ever again, apparently.

I sat back down and chatted with Auntie some more. Then she went to pay as I was leaving. As I drove past her car, she was just coming out the door. She motioned me over.

"Val. That lady said they don't have the Personal Pan lunch special any more! But it's still in their system, so they let us have it. And that they're not supposed to give a senior discount with a special! And she said our waitress has only been working here for five days."

I think that kind of explains a lot.

Here's Hick's meal. All for the low, low price of $6.99 plus tax, minus a senior discount.

The salad container (didn't I build a pretty salad?) is fogged up, because I had everything in FRIG II for a while before I decided to take a picture. Let the record show that Auntie was upset because Hick got a take-out drink in a big plastic cup, and when she asked for hers to go, she got a small cardboard cup. But to be fair...she DID have three refills while sitting at the table.

I think we got a Not-Heaven of a deal! Don't ask for it at your local Pizza Hut, though. It's not on the new menu.