Back-of-the-Book-Blurb #95 "Ties That Find"

Blog buddy Sioux is hosting Back-of-the-Book-Blurb. I have 150 words to convince you to fake-buy my fake book. Do you enjoy a good who-done-it? If so...maybe you can tolerate Val's latest fake book, a mediocre where-was-it-done. Join her fake protagonist as he travels over hill and dale, hitting many a dusty and dried-up trail, to find items that may only have value to the family searching for it. Find yourself some fake money and get your fake copy today! Spare change adds up. Check those phone booths...pay phones...slot machines...soda machines for coins! Or keep your eyes peeled for Pennies From Heaven. It all adds up, you know!

Ties That Find

Windsor Knotts is in high demand. He's a finder of lost things. Keys to granddaddy's Studebaker. Ollie-Anne's baby teeth. Gold doubloons The Admiral stashed away after the war. And people! Papas who skipped town. Spinster aunts who went to meet a beau and never returned. Kids who didn't make it home from school. Windsor works free for law enforcement, and charges a nominal fee to the public.

Windsor is nothing without his tie, passed down through the family, all of whom have a knack for finding. All of whom carry a strand of the family rope. Its origin is uncertain, but its results are anything but. Windsor whispers his target...the tie stretches out to lead him in the right direction.

Now a noted crime family wants to use Windsor's talents for no good. Will he and his tie take the job, or will Windsor simply tell them, "'Fraid not." (149 words)

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Fake Reviews for Val’s Fake Book

Needle in Haystack..."I'm pretty confident that good reviews for this fake book are gonna be about as easy to find as ME." 

The Blind, Who Now See..."We once were lost, but now we've found...that this fake author is not worth wasting time for. This wretched fake book cannot be saved. In ten thousand years, ten thousand monkeys typing on ten thousand typewriters could fake-write ten thousand fake books ten thousand times better than this one."

Quarter, Lurking Behind Child's Ear..."This fake author must think that talent can appear out of thin air. Or thin hair. Nobody will ever chortle in delight at finding this fake book."

D.B. Cooper..."This fake book should be tossed out of a plane over the Pacific Northwest, and hopefully remain unfound for more than 48 years. Way more."

Loser, Weeping..."I am weeping with JOY! Heh, heh! Because the finders of this fake book have to KEEP it! Nyah, nyah, finders!"

Lost-and-Found Box in a city of slovenly people with poor hygiene..."When one of Thevictorian's fake books are left behind, and tossed into me...I regurgitate it! I can't help myself. Soiled and stinky clothing are ambrosia compared to this fake author's rotten fake writing.

Alcatraz Escapees..."We've spent nigh on 2 years trying to get back into Alcatraz, ever since this fake author started fake-releasing her fake books. Do you know how hard it is to paddle a raft made out of raincoats? It's worth the effort, though. Thevictorian's fake writing is more hideous than the papier-mache heads we left in our beds. We hope this fake review doesn't leave any clues to our whereabouts, or get people discussing our case again on the news."

Colonel Sanders' Bow Tie..."If only ties like myself were fashionable for women...I would wrap myself tightly around the neck of Val Thevictorian, and perhaps cause her to cease to draw breath, therein freeing us from the burden of hearing her hawk her fake books every week. I swear I would! No chickening out! If every failure is a stepping stone to something better...Thevictorian could have walked across the Atlantic by now, and picked up a Nobel prize for fake literature."