Back-of-the-Book-Blurb Friday #92 "Goald E. Locke and the 3,000 Pieces of Furniture"

Blog buddy Sioux is hosting Back-of-the-Book-Blurb Friday. I have 150 words to convince you to fake-buy my fake book. Just in time for the recent cold snap, Val is ready to release her 92nd fake book. What better use of time to while away the arctic chill than sitting in your favorite chair, fake-reading Val's latest fake book? You know you can't beat that with a stick. And hopefully, you can't get near enough to Val to beat HER with a stick, either. You know, just in case you're a fan of The Quiet Man, and some random lady proffers you a stick for Val-beating. Dig down in the cushions of that favorite chair, and maybe you'll find enough change for this fake purchase.

Goald E. Locke and the 3,000 Pieces of Furniture

Goald E. Locke has a reputation around town. He has more breaking-and-entering convictions on his rap sheet than anyone in the entire state of Missouri. The latest victim is Schmoroom's Showroom. As with his other crimes, Goald hasn't stolen anything. He just likes trying things out. Now he has sat on and laid on every sofa. Swiveled, cranked-back, rocked, and glided every chair. Pulled open every drawer. Switched on and off every lamp.

Schmo's granddaughter, the store manager, doesn't want to press charges. She only wants Goald out of her establishment. She had to restrain him from making another round of try-outs while waiting for authorities. She plans to place a trespass order on Goald.

Will Goald cease and desist, or will Schmoroom's have to change their name to Schmoroom's Gently-Used Showroom Furniture? (133 words)

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Fake Reviews for Val’s Fake Book

St. Louis Furniture Icon Amy Dubman, of Carol House Furniture..."While my brother Brook is away on business, I'm having a special sale. Any piece of furniture that has been tried out by Goald is 10% off. PLUS, I'll give you a copy of this fake book! Okay. If you'll take the fake book, I'll give you 20% off!" 

Archie Bunker's Chair, channeling Archie..."This is one of the stupidest fake books I've never fake-read! It ain't fit to leave in the terlet for when you run out of terlet paper. It looks like something that pinko commie Meathead would carry around."

Airline Seat..."I would rather be kicked repeatedly by a toddler on a cross-Atlantic flight than have this fake book in my seatback."

Edith Ann's Rocking Chair..."This fake author is a bigger A$$ than it would take to comfortably sit on me. And that's the truthththth!"

White Couch, besotted with George Costanza's grape juice, and Poppie's pee..."I would welcome Goald to my cushions! But not this fake author! May she spend the night on Morty and Helen's fold-out sofa, with a metal bar in her back, and the thermostat set on HOT."

(OPC) Old People Chair..."I am hot under my cushions, and shaking with fright at the thought of this fake author getting stuck in me during a power outage. I'd sooner be stuffed with banana peels and toenail clippings than aid in the relaxation of such a purveyor of fake literature."

La-Z-Boy..."Be careful what you wish for, OPC! May you be spared the idignity of only a thin swatch of tighty-whitey separating you from the nether region of this fake author's husband. And may we ALL be spared the future and past efforts of this fake author!"