Buffalo Gal, Won't You GET OUT Tonight

CasinoPalooza 3 was a blast. I had a great time, even though I parted with some of my tightly-clutched pennies. I think everyone had a great time, even though the times were trying. At times.

As you may recall, my favorite slot machine is Buffalo Gold. The casino where we were staying, Downstream Casino, in Oklahoma, had FOUR of these machines. They are oversized machines, in a kiosk. You may have noticed from one of my winnings pictures that they are set up in a circular arrangement. Slot. Graphics panel. Slot. Graphics panel. Etc. So the people playing can't actually see each other's screen. It's a big circle of four slots, with spacer panels around the kiosk.

On Thursday night, I could not get on my precious Buffalo Gold. The slot that was rightfully mine was monopolized by an unsavory crowd who took up ALL FOUR GAMES! I call shenanigans! That's dirty pool! They were keeping the game from the enjoyment of others. LIKE ME! It's different if I choose to sit at a Buffalo Gold machine for two hours. I'm only taking up ONE slot. Not all four. The sum total of Buffalo Gold available at that casino.

I was especially annoyed by the man who draped his jacket over one of the Golds, but kept running around the kiosk talking to everyone else. Oh, he was actually playing the machine. About one spin every five or more minutes. Had to make his rounds.

I sat down at a Sharknado slot next to it. My blog buddy Joe H. might want to check that out. I know he's a big Sharknado (the movie) fan! Sharknado has good bonuses, if you can get them. I've seen it on YouTube. I don't normally play that one, but it was closest to Buffalo Gold. I was betting the minimum on Sharknado. I can't even remember what it was. My Sharknado was quite loud. I thought about adjusting the volume, but then decided against it. The main reason being that it seemed to irritate a gal playing one of my Buffalo Golds. She shot me a dirty look every now and then. Heh, heh! My tactics were working!

Or not.

Those people stayed at least three or four hours at Buffalo Gold! One of them must have run out of money, because after I went to get a soda and came back, there was ONE seat open! I plopped my ample rumpus on it and commenced to gambling. Nobody puts Val at a Sharknado!

Buffalo Dude was still running around the machines, first to his Buffalo Gal, and then to his Buffalo Buddy. Buffalo Gal looked like that Whitney girl on My Big Fat Fabulous Life, only a bit older, a bit smaller, and a bit less fabulous. Buffalo Buddy looked like he could have come from just up the gravel road from my house.

I really don't like distractions when I'm gambling. Sometimes I count spins in my head, or have a pattern of moving my bet up and down. I don't need people who want to chat, or clumsy oafs who can't for the life of them walk a sensible route around a machine so that they don't slam a hip into my chair or shoulder. The Buffaloafs (see what I did there? Bufflalo OAFS! Buffaloafs!) didn't seek my attention, but I couldn't avoid their antics.

The Buffaloafs were drinking. Beer. Out of bottles. Not that there's anything wrong with that. We were in a casino, by cracky, not a Carrie Nation Convention. You know what happens when you drink beer, right? You get a little...um...not-care-y. You don't care so much how you appear to others. Others who may be trying to ignore your antics.

Buffalo Gal's slot machine was on fire. She was hitting a bonus every five minute or less. Let the record show that hitting a bonus on Buffalo Gold does not guarantee you a fortune. I've had many a bonus that only paid $1.80 or $4.60 or some other ridiculous amount. The fun is in hitting the bonus, and the bonus play. Because you have HOPE of hitting a big bonus. Even on a 60-cent bet. I couldn't see what Buffalo Gal was betting. But every time she hit a bonus (you can tell because of the music from the game), she started BABY-TALKING the slot.

"Come on, baby. Can you get me a widdle bonie? I need my buffaloes, baby, Come on, honey. That's a good widdle game. Uh huh! Uh huh! Do it again, sweetie. YES! Ooo is SUCH a good baby! There you go! Uh huh! Uh huh!" And she'd reach her hand up to the screen, and rub it and pat it and make kissy noises.

Of course this attracted Buffalo Dude. He'd rush over and stand beside her and start the sweet-talking, too. "Oh, yeah! Oh, YEAH! That's the way you like it, isn't it, baby? Just like that! More! More!"

It was really hard to shut them out. Buffalo Dude at one point told Buffalo Gal that he needed to go to the bathroom. I hope it was just the beer, not a result of...um...overexcitement from watching her play a bonus. She wasn't having that. "But THEN someone might take the machine!" Which was unlikely, with his coat draped on the chair, and a beer bottle planted on the button area, and his player's card in it as well. Buffalo Gal was super paranoid, telling him, "Get back over there before somebody gets it!" Sheesh! If I'd known how much that got under her skin, I would have spent the first couple hours walking up to each of them and watching over their shoulder. Or acting like I was going to sit down on his coat-draped chair.

Anyhoo...Buffalo Dude took his pee break, and then came back to make his rounds again. I could feel the animosity flowing off of him every time he glanced my way. He also visited Buffalo Buddy, who was at the slot on my right. A different conversation, but still very much the same. Buffalo Buddy revealed that he was almost done. That's he'd sunk $700 into that machine. Buffalo Dude didn't say how much HE had put in, or Buffalo Gal. Only that SHE held the tickets that they were going to cash out. Buffalo Dude made another pass by HIS slot, which was opposite me on the kiosk, so I couldn't see it while playing. I guess he punched a button or two. Then went back to Buffalo Gal.

This next part is not for the faint of heart. I apologize in advance for all the gorge-rising that I am about to induce.

Buffalo Gal was in another bonus. Still sweet-talking. Getting a little bit risque. She and Buffalo Dude began a banter that made me shiver in disgust. It involved much screen-rubbing and moaning.

HER: "Uh huh. THAT'S it! THAT'S the way momma likes it! YES! YES! Keep going! Don't stop!"

HIM: "Oh, yeah. That's the way. Give it to her! Give it to her!"

HER: "Mmm...more, MORE! Give momma more buffies! Show me the coins! Come on! Come on! OOOOO! That's what I need! Uh huh! UH HUH! I love it when you give me coin!"

HIM: "Oh, yeah! You deserve to those coins! You should be SHOWERED in coins!"

HER: "Uh huh! You mean...like a GOLDEN shower?"

HIM: "Oh, you're so bad!"

HER: "Ha ha. Give it to me! Give it to me!"

Buffalo Gal was talking to the slot machine, but then Buffalo Dude leaned over and gave her a big ol' juicy kiss. And by juicy, I mean SLIMY! I didn't want to look, but I couldn't look away!

NOBODY WANTS TO SEE THAT!

Especially after her previous comment. I could hardly sit there and keep feeding my own Buffalo money. Thing is, I had waited so long to get on Buffalo Gold that I wasn't about to let them scare me off. For all I know, that was their plan.

I know a casino is not full of squeaky-clean, respectable, pillars of society. Well, except for me, of course. But I shouldn't feel like I need to run out of there and straight to the shower.

I'm not talking about a smoky smell, either.