Thursday, February 2, 2017

I Avert My Eyes But the Weirdos Keep A-Comin'. There's Still Nigh as Many as There Was a While Ago.

Just because I haven't mentioned them lately does not mean the weirdos have forsaken Val.

Like today, when I was minding my own business at the open freezer in the middle of Walmart, and a little guy in a jean jacket (and pants, too, which was a plus, considering my weirdo history) pushed his cart up next to me. Let the record show that I was peering into that freezer bin full of TGI Friday's Buffalo Style Boneless Chicken Bites.

"Have you ever tried these?"

"No. I don't like them."

"How many's in a box?"

"I don't know. I was just looking. My husband wanted some for during the Super Bowl."

"Huh. That's too expensive. Almost nine dollars."

"I found these on the first aisle, the freezer section with the doors." I held up a bag of Great Value brand. "I think they're five dollars and something."

The little guy thanked me and wandered off. But not in the direction of the Great Value Boneless Wyngz Buffalo Chicken. Maybe he was trying to pick me up, seeing as how I don't like jewelry and don't wear my wedding ring. Maybe I'm lucky he didn't shove his cart and hit mine like Fonzie taught Richie how to meet women on Happy Days. It's not like I was wearing a blue vest, or standing behind a kiosk with portions of Buffalo chicken in plastic cups.

But that's not the extent of my recent weirdo encounters.

Yesterday I went to the post office and the bank. On the way, I had to sweave over the center line because a dude was walking in my direction, on the edge of the road. It was about 45 degrees. Sunny. He had a sock cap and jeans and a jean jacket, with a backpack on his back. I went about my errands, and came back the same route. Dude was about a mile farther along. I went on past. Parked at the convenience store that finally opened after over a year of construction. I went in for a 44 oz Diet Coke, and cashed in a $10 scratch-off winner for more tickets.

When I came out, there was Dude, sitting on the rack of firewood for sale out front. Instead of staying on the sidewalk, I stepped out into the empty parking spaces to make a beeline for T-Hoe. I kept my eyes averted, making sure there were no potholes or loose pavement on that new blacktop parking lot. Kept my eyes averted. Don't Engage. That's my motto. Well. That, and People Piss Me Off. And still, my best ol' ex-teaching buddy Mabel's mom once referred to me as a Mother Teresa.

"Excuse me, Ma'am...?"

I don't know how I can have such a sour attitude towards humanity, and STILL people find me approachable.

"Yes...?"

"Can you tell me how to get to Backroads?"

"Yes. Keep going on this road. Then you can turn left when you get to Casey's. That road will take you there. Past a lake."

"How far is it?"

"Oh...I don't know...maybe five miles..."

"Is that the shortest way?"

"Well...there's another way. I think they're both about the same distance. You can keep going on this road until you come to the four-way stoplight. Then turn left."

"Are those highway miles?"

"You CAN go along the highway...but there's an outer road."

"I need to get to the Super 8 in Backroads."

"Well, both of those ways will take you there."

"Okay. Thank you, Ma'am."

Let the record show that Dude had a couple days beard scruff on his face. He was polite. He didn't ask for money. I felt kind of bad, standing there with a 44 oz Diet Coke and two lottery tickets. I could have offered him a couple of bucks. But he didn't ask. He might have been insulted. I could have offered him a ride. I was going right past where he was headed. Could have had him there in 10 minutes.

Or I could have never been heard from again.

16 comments:

  1. Good decision, Val. Can't be too careful with all the crazies roamin' the land.

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    Replies
    1. Who knew they were all roaming it on foot!

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    2. haha, but it's OK to let MEN in the restrooms with us ladies, because you know they just want to pee, WOW

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    3. Let the record show that I am not one who wants men near my throne!

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  2. There might be a wood chipper by the Super 8, giving him a ride might be a bad idea.

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    Replies
    1. Save A Lot is across the street from the Super 8. Maybe there was a weirdo convention. I have attracted more than my fair share of weirdos in Save A Lot.

      My favorites are the woman who stroked my arm and told me I was SO PRETTY, and the guy who handed me a wad of cash while I was boxing up my purchases at the counter by the front window.

      I have no desire to find out how much Val could a wood chipper chip if a wood chipper could chip Val!

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  3. That's what happens when you're a nice person Val, you feel bad for making the right decision

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    Replies
    1. I don't think I would feel better if I read about an escaped wood chipper murderer on the loose in the greater Backroads area, even though it would VALidate my decision.

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  4. These days its better to be safe than sorry. I once offered a woman a ride in the pouring rain and she ran away screaming.

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    Replies
    1. No good deed goes unpunished.

      There's probably a clue there as to why Mrs. C does most of the driving...

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  5. If his thumb was out would you have picked him up? If he was holding a sign: Will Work for Food, would you have given him your chicken? I would be hesitant to give him a ride. These days...

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    Replies
    1. I wouldn't have picked him up, because my mom always told me never to pick up hitchhikers. But I MIGHT have given him my chicken, if he'd been outside the gas station chicken store.

      I guess I could have given him a lottery ticket...I won $25 on those two. Oh, well. He might have used it for alcohol and been run over walking in the road!

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  6. We used to pick up hitchhikers but no longer do!!

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    Replies
    1. That's probably why you're still around to tell me about it!

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  7. I don't pick up hitch hikers either. I have been known to fed a few of those who travel with their thumbs and I will often give away sample bottles of shampoo and body wash and one time a goo pair of thick socks and a box of Bandaids and tube of Neosporin. Come to think of it, I would come out cheaper just giving them a lift. I am a big sucker for blisters on the feet, though. I used to keep pop tarts and such in the car when we lived in Tampa and hand things out to the homeless at every corner on the road. Hey, I hear those pop tarts have 7 vitamins and minerals.

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    Replies
    1. Yes, giving them a lift would be cheaper, UNTIL you turned up dead, and then there'd be the matter of funeral costs!

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