Friday, February 3, 2017

Back-of-the-Book-Blurb Friday #46 "The Cash that Shacks Built"

Blog buddy Sioux is hosting Back-of-the-Book-Blurb Friday. I have 150 words to convince you to fake-buy my fake book. This week, learn how to make money at home. Home-building! Using cast-off materials to construct shacks that are way cheaper than tiny houses. It's a blueprint for building shacks without blueprints! Val has collaborated with a cheapster goofus to reveal the tricks of slapping together trashed treasures into structures hipsters will buy. Get your fake book NOW, before a coffee store chain fake-buys them all to fake-sell on their counter.


The Cash that Shacks Built

Nick Thethictorian has enough money to burn a wet mule. He stashes his cash in a lock box (no key) that he paid a nickel for at a flea market. Always one to make lemonade out of lemons that he found in the gutter (after throwing sticks at the tree, and using an old car antenna poked under the fence to roll them out of the owner's yard and into the gutter), Nick takes old shipping pallets from industrial dumpsters, and uses them to build themed shacks.

Nick's sheds will appeal to today's market. Two examples: Safe Space, wallpapered with bubble wrap, soundproofed, and carpeted with throw pillows. BeeHives Matter, a haven for honeybees, with a built-in smoker for soothing the savage bees, and a myriad of tiny troughs (like a marble run) lining the walls, directing honey into jars for capping, a handmade label, and resale. (149 words)

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Fake Reviews for Val’s Fake Book

Fort Knox..."I wouldn't recommend this fake book for all the gold in ME!"

All the Tea in China..."Me neither."

Vidalia Onion..."There's nothing sweet about Thevictorian's work. I weep at the thought of reading another of her fake books. There's a sulfurous stench to her writing. It hits your brain like sulfuric acid, and stays with you for days. This fake author only has one layer, and skin thinner than mine."

Cooter Brown..."I daresay this character is richer than I am drunk. This fake author won't see a penny, though. And she can get her own bottle!"

Burj Kahlifa, from Dubai, by translator..."If Thevictorian thinks she's an author, she's higher than ME! This fake book is not worth the paper it's printed on, if it were from the last tree in the world."

The Grand Canyon..."The fake author's fake writing style rapidly wore me down to rock bottom. She needs eddy-fication. And no, that's not a misspelling on my part. Making Thevictorian an author will take more than the force of gravity, a swift current, and 17 million years."

The Mariana Trench..."One cannot begin to fathom the depths of despair I felt upon reading this abysmal fake book. I was under a great deal of pressure, and in the dark, trying to write a review that will not sway the tide of public opinion in Thevictorian's favor. I fluctuated between an upwelling of emotions, and subducting my feelings."

A California Redwood..."I was petrified to read this wooden prose. Thevictorian should lumber out to cut her own switch, and after a sound thrashing, make like a tree and leave the literary world! Her ideas are rooted on a slippery slope. I foresee lichens rising to greater heights than this scrub's writing."

14 comments:

  1. I've written a book (& been included in some anthologies) & I've never gotten a review from the Grand Canyon!!

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    1. Maybe I can hook you up with that big rut on our gravel road that we call the Great Chasm...

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  2. Val--It IS scary how our brains seem to be in sync with each other... Perhaps we need to form a team and take our show on the road?

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    1. How far can we get before The Fuzz throws down a spike strip to stop us?

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  3. Great humor in this piece. Well done!

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    1. Thanks. I got an early start on this one! The reviews came to me around 11:30 Wednesday night, and the story at 3:30 Friday afternoon.

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  4. Global warming is going to get worse when people start burning this book.

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    1. I hope they fake-buy it first!

      Maybe I can sell the fake rights for a fake movie called An Inconvenient Review.

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  5. Your brain must zing all day to be able to do these so effortlessly. Makes me chuckle.

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    1. My brain has a mind of its own. Much time is spent censoring its inappropriate comments.

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  6. If you make your fortune with your book, will you be sharing with your muse, the man of many shacks??

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    1. Just enough so he doesn't suspect I'm holding out on him!

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  7. I bet he could build me a knittin' shack with all my yarn!! It would be fun to read about all the different themes he comes up with!

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    1. I'm sure he could do it. He never met a shed he couldn't build.

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