Friday, February 24, 2017

Back-of-the-Book-Blurb Friday #49 "Baby Knows Best"

Blog buddy Sioux is hosting Back-of-the-Book-Blurb Friday. I have 150 words to convince you to fake-buy my fake book. This week Val had her tongue lodged so firmly in her cheek that she had to make a trip to Not Very Urgent Care to have it pried loose! You can't miss out on this week's fake book. Add it to your Library of the Absurd now! Before it is fake-banned for its political incorrectness. Send no money now. But until I get it, you don't get your fake book. I'll take cash, check, charge card, debit card, foreign currency, PayMePal, bitcoins, IOUs, lottery tickets, magic beans, and shiny beads. But I don't take American Express.

Baby Knows Best

Muffy looks at her precious six-month old daughter in awe. She' so...mature. Six weeks ago, Babe made her decision. Not yet verbal, she communicated through eye blinks, pounding the keyboard of her MacBook, and sign language relayed by her pet gorilla, Carob, utilizing inter-species telepathy.

Babe knows she was born a septuagenarian in an infant's body. Thanks to Muffy's efforts, she is wheeled into surgery the very next day, to make the outside match the inside. Sure, it's a little bit awkward to haul her around in that infant sling. And to change her diaper in a public restroom. Muffy will change all that. Get special accommodations put into law for those who choose to follow in Babe's not-yet-taken footsteps.

Don't miss the sequel, to see what wacky hijinks ensue when Babe hosts an alcohol-fueled preschool-graduation party, gets her driver's license, and signs a contract on her first playhouse! (149 words)


Fake Reviews for Val’s Fake Book

Disneyland's Magic Kingdom's 'It's a Small World' ride..."Looks like we're going to need to change our name. Just like Thevictorian, when word of this literary atrocity make the rounds."

Benjamin Button..."What a curious case! I think Babe has it all backwards. And that Val Thevictorian is a backwards backwoods fake-writer who should never publish again."

Taco Bell..."We would like to give Babe a 10% discount on her order the next time she uses our drive-thru speaker. We would like to give Thevictorian the bum's rush to keep her off our property." 

Carnie taking tickets for the Scrambler..."I'll let you on this ride, Babe, 'cause you're tall enough. But those false teeth have to sit right here on my greasy gear box until you're done. You might get an extra long ride, too, 'cause I gotta take a dump. Gimme that fake book Thevictorian wrote. It'll make real good terlet paper." 

Mini Babybel Cheese..."Everyone's rate of maturation is different. I'm lookin' at YOU, Cheez Its wheel! I don't know how you can sit there without a red face. Mine is red just thinking about your embarrassing antics, and Val Thevictorian should positively look like she has rosacea after fake-penning this fake tome."

Alan Jackson..."Oh, come on, Babe. It's all right to be little bitty! Isn't that so, Val? I don't mean your size, dear. I mean your fake book sales."

Tom Hanks in BIG..."You're lucky, Babe! I didn't have any choice when I turned big. You don't have to run away to the city and work a nine-to-five job testing toys! I wish Thevictorian would run away to the city, and disappear from a seedy hotel, without even getting to eat baby ears of corn-on-the-cob at a company shindig."

Tom Hanks in SPLASH..."This has got to be the most outlandish fake book I have ever read! I wish I could find Val Thevictorian in a bathtub, and see if she has any big secrets. And see if she floats...with my foot holding her head underwater."

Tom Hanks in A League of Their Own..."There's no crying in literature! Sure, you WANT to cry after reading this atrocity of a fake book. But you can't. There's no crying in literature! Thevictorian needs to start using her head. You know what that is, don't you? It's that lump about three feet above...oh, who am I kidding here. It's just her ass. Thevictorian writes out her ass! You might as well cry."

Tom Hanks in Castaway...
"This picture of Babe on the cover reminds me of someone I once spent a lot of time with. Her skin is surprisingly similar to my old friend Wilson. This fake author [turns fake book over to view the cover] Thevictorian must have a brain similar to Wilson."
Caitlyn Jenner..."Who in the Not-Heaven is Tom Hanks, and why is he obsessed with Thevictorian's fake book? I, myself, don't understand the premise."


  1. This reminds me of a line from the cigar-smoking baby in "Who Framed Roger Rabbit." "I have the lust of a forty year old but the dingus of a six month old.

    1. I'm guessing that cigar stunts all kinds of growth...

  2. I think Tom Hanks secretly loves your fake book, but neither Benjamin Button nor I do!!

    1. That's fine. I won't rent yours or Benjamin's movies. So there!

  3. Love all of the celebrity endorsements - and can't wait for the sequel. I'd love to be at that preschool party!

    1. If you go to that party, better bring a designated stroller-pusher!

  4. As usual, you slay me with your reviews. I especially loved all the Tom Hanks ones.

    I read your comment on MY blog. Does that mean you also did the reviews at the last minute?

    1. Pretty much. They had a few hours to ferment in my brain.

      Thursday night, after midnight, after I was finished typing up my weekly letters to Genius and The Pony...I had to look up this week's blurb picture, because I'd forgotten what it was.

      Then I started brainstorming for a topic (without much success), and decided that the reviewers should have something to do with young/old, smooth/rough, big/little, wise/naive, or aging.

      On my drive to Walmart the next morning, the premise took shape, and Tom Hanks was formatted in my brain. Other reviewers were conceived, and some terminated. Here's one that didn't make the cut:

      No College Student Ever..."It's so WRONG to try and look older than what you are! This plot was very irresponsible of Author Thevictorian. Though she DOES seem like a cool person to hang out with, since she's probably way over 21, and has her own place."

  5. I love your blurb and all your reviews! This was great!

  6. Oh my goodness. Again, you have outdone yourself with reviews, but your last paragraph is killer.

    1. I was trying to foist my opinionated views of the absurdities of certain situations upon my readership. Without being too offensive. Val is not good at walking that fine line.