Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Puppy Jack Has Been Falsely Accused!

I know Puppy Jack isn't perfect. He poops on the porch. He eats Juno's food. He chases the chickens. He torments the goat. He swims with the fishes (literally!). He tears the cedar shake shingles off The Pony's Sword Shack. However...

PUPPY JACK IS NOT A TORONADO POOPER!

Hick is downright ridiculous with his accusations. First, it was poor dumb Ann who took the flack, back when Hick's favorite dog, old Grizzly, was alive. Then we got my sweet, sweet Juno, and she became public enemy #1, being blamed for all the egg-eating, even though poor dumb Ann was photographed many a time carrying one around in her mouth, and guarding it between her front paws in the yard.

Now Puppy Jack is at the top of Hick's MOST WANTED list.

As Puppy Jack's public defender, allow me to proceed to the opening argument. I will now present Exhibit A:


Let the record show that Puppy Jack is a small dog with short legs. This fact is also documented by Exhibit B:






Let the record further show that compared to a regular medium-sized dog, Puppy Jack is quite long, with a low center of gravity.

The Plaintiff asserts that Puppy Jack caused damage to Plaintiff's property on 8-25-16, that property being one 1980 Oldsmobile Toronado parked under Plaintiff's carport. Plaintiff alleges that on or about 8-25-16, the Defendant, Puppy Jack, did knowingly climb up on the trunk of Plaintiff's Toronado, the purpose being to defecate and leave a pile feces thereupon. The direct quote from the Plaintiff was, "Your dog took a sh!t on my Toronado!"

The Plaintiff purports that the Defendant jumped up on a bucket of sand placed behind the Toronado by the Plaintiff himself several weeks ago. That he then stepped over onto the bumper of said Toronado, and from there, climbed up on the trunk, where he defecated.

Please review Exhibit C:


While it might be possible for the Defendant to pull himself onto the bucket of sand, some footprints should be evident, even though Plaintiff claims he tampered with the evidence by putting another bucket of sand on top of this one, to prevent a repeat performance.

Please observe Exhibit D:


IF the Defendant indeed climbed onto the sand bucket, it is possible that he might have stepped over onto the bumper. We are not arguing this point. Please disregard the innocent companion of Puppy Jack in this photo, as she has not been accused of wrongdoing.

Please note Exhibit E:





Let the record show that the steepness of the trunk slope on a 1980 Oldsmobile Toronado precludes a small, shortlegged dog with a dachshund body from hoisting himself up onto the trunk. No claw marks were found, which would have been present from such an attempt. In addition, small four-toed footprints were found in dust on the trunk of the Toronado.

Let the record further show that three cats roam freely about the property, leaving dusty footprints on the hood of a 2008 black Chevrolet Tahoe, and also on the hood of a 2016  burgundy GMC Acadia.

I suggest that Puppy Jack had no motive to "Take a sh!t" on the Plaintiff's Toronado. He has a whole wraparound porch upon which to poop, and has happily been doing so for the past four-and-a-half months. Would it not be much easier to simply squat where one got the urge, rather than claw oneself onto the top of a bucket of sand, risk slipping off a shiny chrome bumper, eschew sh!tting on that bumper, in the level area by the license plate, and instead scrabble and claw (without leaving marks, mind you) to get onto the trunk of the Toronado to do one's business?

If you can't prove sh!t, you must acquit!

The defense rests.



12 comments:

  1. Oh, a little OJ in the afternoon...

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    1. Puppy Jack did not lead us on a slow-speed chase. Though he does proclaim his innocence.

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  2. I would think the differences in poop between Puppy Jack, Sweet sweet Juno, and the cats would be easy to prove.

    In defense of Puppy Jack, I've never known dogs to be comfortable pooping in weird high places, and it is hard to turn three times before pooping when on a bumper. I'm thinking a more acrobatic animal is responsible.

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    1. I will call you as an expert witness. Please have a tri-fold science display board ready with pictures of those 3 species' feces.

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  3. I don't think Puppy Jack capable of the acrobatics required for such a stunt.

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    1. I will call you as a character witness. Be prepared to expound upon how long you've known him, and have a log containing pertinent dates of interaction.

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  4. I think Hick is trying to pin the poop on your pup. Not fair.

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    1. Hick doesn't play fair. Especially in Pin the Poop on the Pup.

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  5. Not guilty. Off with Hick's head!!

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    1. I will be tossing your hat in the ring for the next cycle of judicial elections.

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  6. Being the mommy of two short legged canines I can attest to the fact that it would be an impossible feat to be performed. DNA, you need DNA! Cats are quite acrobatic and have been known to leave spite piles of their feces in odd places.

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    1. I will call you as my CSI DNA / Dachshund expert. You KNOW they can't bend like that to get their center of gravity up over such a steep slope.

      Puppy Jack can climb his way out of a Rubbermaid tub by hooking his front paws over the edge, doing a kind of pull-up, and scrabbling with his back feet. Not possible on that trunk. There is nothing for him to grip with his front feet/toenail/ankle area. No way can he boost himself with a jump from his short back legs, either.

      I suspect a raccoon. That poop looks like what we found in the garage a while back, before we even got Puppy Jack. I didn't notice any little handprints, though. Just cat paws. Of course, a raccoon could have washed his hands so as not to leave evidence! You'd think the cats would have been pooping there all along, not just now.

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