This is Why We Can't Have Cool Things

Whew! My first day back at work was a scorcher. It's not as if I was stringing electrical cables across the Mojave Desert. I was in a climate-controlled building. But the temps outside were frightful. So humid this morning, 90 percent when we left home, and temperatures in the seventies before 7:00 a.m.

As is my way, I bump up the thermostat when we're going to be away from the house all day. Our old thermostat used to have a program for that, but I don't think this new one does. You know. The new one the heating & cooling guy put on the wall when he "fixed" the air conditioner last summer, saying our thermostat was not working, and taking it with him in his truck. I'm sure some customer from Craig's List is enjoying it as I type. Anyway, this new thermostat requires a person to manually switch it from "heating" to "cooling" depending on the season. Crikey! It's like the stone age. Says the woman who still has no dishwasher.

This morning, after my shower, and before my recliner nap, I bumped up that thermostat from the overnight setting of 73 to the daytime setting of 74. You wouldn't believe how refreshing one more degree of cool is overnight. When The Pony and I started out the door for work, I put the thermostat on 78. No need to cool the house while we're away, only to have it dissipate and need cooling again every 20 minutes or so.

When we returned this afternoon, The Pony went in first. As I came through the kitchen door, I hollered, "Hey! Pony! Bump the air conditioner down to 74."

"Um. It's 75 in here. I can't bump it down to 74, because it's already set on 71. You forgot to lower it this morning."

"I did not! I set it at 78. There's no way it can be on 71. You're misreading it."

"YOU'RE the one who thought those turkeys in the neighbor's driveway were dogs! And just now, at the bank, thought that rolled-up green hose around the corner by the ATM was a car! YOU must not have seen it right this morning when you set it. Allegedly."

"I know what I put it on. I would never set it on 71 for the day. That's cooler than we have it at night!"

"All I know is what I see. Right now, it's on 71."

"Well, put it up to 74. No way would the temperature in here be 75 if the thing had been set on 71 all day! I think you moved it down too far when you came in."

"No..ooo..ooo. I went to change it, but it was on 71."

"There's no way! It even feels hot in here. Put it on 74, and it will eventually go down a degree and shut off."

"Okaaayyyy!" The Pony trotted downstairs to console himself with the two new computer games he bought while using Grandma's high-speed internet today. I cranked back in the La-Z-Boy to rest my achin' back that had been sitting all day.

"If you're talking about the thermostat, I just put it on 71 about 20 minutes ago."

WTF?

The voice came from the master bedroom, and sounded remarkable like Hick, who wasn't due home from work for another half hour. Mystery solved. The Pony and I were both right. But Hick was in the wrong. Very wrong. You don't tug on Superman's cape. You don't spit into the wind. You don't pull the mask off the ol' Lone Ranger...and you don't mess around with Val's thermostat.

Let the record show that Hick had a doctor's appointment today, and came home early from work, and rolled himself up in my grandma's homemade quilt like a hot dog in a tortilla. His head was covered by the quilt, of course, as is his way of sleeping. He knows the temperature I set for the house. I am the bill-payer. He is the frivolous money-waster. I'm sure he thought he could squeeze in a quick nap and reset the thermostat before I noticed.

I suppose one is not comfortable with one's head wrapped up in a quilt at 74 degrees.