Internet Means Never Having to Pay Your Billing

Greetings, all, from Deadbeat Val. You remember Deadbeat Val, don't you? The one who did not pay her DISH bill in July, right after switching her internet service to DISH and having that installer guy bend the downspout, and got an automated call telling her that her account was past due?

So she looked back in her trusty checkbook register, and saw that the phone was right! Indeed, Deadbeat Val had not paid her July bill because she did not receive her July bill. She immediately called DISH and paid by credit card within five minutes of that phone recording, figuring that her Clearasil-stealing mailman or the dead-mouse-smelling post office had delivered that bill to the wrong box. Or perhaps a rural thief had helped himself to EmBee's innards, like that year one stole both electric bills, the telephone bill, and Deadbeat Val's back-to-school letter with important dates and new hires and contract adjustments.

So this morning, Deadbeat Val was puttering around with the automated service for her checking account, trying to balance that account which has not balanced even one time, since Deadbeat Val became Mrs. Never-Record-a-Transaction Hick. But that's okay. Because Deadbeat Val leaves a pillowy cushion of funds in that account, just in case.

So after checking up on the checking account, and then calling her single credit card automated service to prepare for bill-paying Friday next week...it dawned upon Deadbeat Val that she had not received her DISH bill for August. Surely it was time. Time to be reminded that she owed for not only her TV usage, but also for her internet connection.

So Deadbeat Val looked back in her stash of statements, and saw that her DISH bill used to be mailed out on the 10th of the month. What with today being the 23rd of the month, Deadbeat Val smelled something stinky in Backroads. She picked up that phone and called the DISH customer service number. It really did not want her to talk to a person. But after perseverance, Deadbeat Val reached Marquis.

Marquis was a lovely young man, so polite, with a barely discernible accent, so unlike those customer service reps "Susan" and "Bob" who gave Genius such a hard time trying to sort out some HP computer warranty nonsense at the tender age of ten. While waiting for them to return from checking with a supervisor, Genius turned to me and said, "I don't really think they are giving me their real names."

So Marquis asked how he could help me, and I explained that I had not received my paper bill for the month of July, and I still did not have it for the month of August. I told him that all I wanted was to receive my bill so I could pay it on time. That must be an uncommon request for DISH, because Marquis said he would access my account, and then said, "So you have a question concerning your most recent bill of $XXX.xx?"

So I told him no, that first of all I did not even know the amount of my bill because I NEVER RECEIVED ONE. I had no issue with the amount, because I did not know the amount. Poor Marquis. He just was not picking up what I was laying down, as The Pony would have termed it, thinking that all people talk the way they did back in their high school days of hippyism, as he has previously insinuated. I told Marquis that all I wanted was to get a bill in the mail so I could pay it on time.

So Marquis said, "I see here that you do not get bills by mail." And I told him that I most certainly did, for the past fifteen years, at this same address, and had paid every one on time except for that last one in July that I never received. And Marquis said, "I am looking at your account right now, and the box for paper billing is checked 'No.'" I told Marquis that I WANT PAPER BILLING. And he suddenly understood. "I am checking that box 'Yes' and sending you a copy of your bill for this month." A copy of the bill I never got.

So I thanked Marquis, and patted myself on the back for being so proactive as to go on a search for my bill before I even got a call that it was past due.

Deadbeat Val leaves no stone unturned in maintaining her excellent credit rating. You never know when she might want to finance a proposed handbasket factory.