36 Hours: It Could Be a Series, Filled With Attempted Murder and Ineptitude

Genius is home for 36 hours.

Some might call it a day, or two days, or a day-and-a-half. But it's Genius we're talking about here. You're lucky I didn't calculate the seconds.

This morning I took The Pony to registration at the high school. We left at 8:15, way before Genius rolled out of bed. I stopped by Hardee's to get The Pony some breakfast. On the way back, I was planning to run in Save-A-Lot for a couple things. I tried to call Genius, but he didn't answer. Once we parked at Save-A-Lot, I tried again.

"I don't want anything. All I did yesterday was eat."

"Okay. Are you going to be home for supper? I thought about making meat loaf. I know you like it."

"No. I'm going to a movie at 1:00, then surprising my friend's parents. He's at work until 5:30, but they haven't seen me in a long time."

"All right." I went about my business. When The Pony and I unpacked the stuff at home, Genius started nosing around.

"I can't believe you didn't get me anything!"

"You didn't want anything!"

"Well, I got up, and went to look for a Little Debbie brownie, and THE BOX WAS EMPTY!"

"The Pony hasn't eaten them all summer. It was probably YOU who left the box empty last time you were here. I was going to get you some little donuts, but you didn't want anything."

"Oh, but you got HIM Hardee's!"

"That was three hours ago. I don't think you would have wanted me to get you any then."

"What's this?

"Some kind of sugar-free drink for your dad. There are three kinds. You can have some if you want. He'll never know.

"They are all the same color. Mmm...strawberry lemonade! That's pretty good. Here. Try it."

"No thanks, Mr. Ebola. You're not going to trick me. You've only been on antibiotics since Tuesday night. I don't want your disease."

"Oh, yeah. That's right. Hey, I wanted some Golden Oreos!"

"Do you think Save-A-Lot has brand names? They don't. But I DID get you these fake Girl Scout Thin Mints."

"Nom nom nom. I LOVE them!"

"So, you're not going to be home for supper?"

"I think I will."

"Too bad. There's nothing for you to eat. I got two pork steaks for Dad and me. Your brother is having corn dogs. I can make you super nachos, with fajita chicken, nacho cheese, sour cream, salsa, jalapenos, and black olives."

"I'll take corn dogs. What am I going to have for breakfast?"

"The Pony has cinnamon toast every day."

Genius rifled through the cabinets. "Hey! Are we BUYING our cinnamon sugar now?"

"No. That's an old shaker that your grandma gave you back when you were a kid. We just filled it up last week. What kind of millionaire do you think I am?"

"Not a very good one?"

"The kind of millionaire without much money. Get that toaster out from under the cabinets! You'll burn the house down!"

"Blah blah blah."

Genius busied himself watching Ridiculousness. I switched to Roseanne, to see a Halloween episode. "I hate that show! I'm making some eggs."

"I almost bought some bacon for you, but you said you didn't want anything."

"I would LOVE to have some bacon with my eggs. But YOU didn't buy any. Now I'll have to use oil. That's not as good."

"Your dad fries HIS bacon in oil."

"Yeah. That's so wrong. All you need is bacon grease. Not oil to thin it out."

"What's that noise? That popping?"

"Just my oil getting hot."

"That's TOO hot! It will get all over my stove and counter."

"Blah blah blah. I'm using the big pan. It's easier that way. Did you know your big pan is coming apart? The handle is half off."

"Well, I would tell you something, but I fear the consequences."

"Tell me."

"Um. It's coming apart? Huh. The bottom is all dirty now, too. I might just throw it away. But I'm afraid to tell you that, because I can picture you turning it over to look at the bottom, and spilling your eggs and oil all down the burner."

"You know, I probably would have done that. Where's the spatula?"

"Where do YOU think it is? It can only be three places. It's either clean in the drawer, dirty on the counter, or clean in the sink."

"What do I do with this used oil?"

"Take it out back and pour it off the back porch. WITHOUT spilling it all through the kitchen."

"Huh. If there's a chicken down on the ground, can I pour the hot oil on it? Fry it up right now, and miss a couple of steps?"

"No."

"Whoa! You missed it. There really WAS a chicken down there. I had to stop myself when I saw it."

Let the record show that Genius used a good glass plate to get all eggy with his three fried eggs. They were gone in less than three minutes.

 "Make sure you put that in the sink to soak."

"I AM!"

"Too bad you lost my Stubs movie card. You could earn me points on your ticket, and get a discount on your movie snacks."

"I get in FREE. My friend works there. And I think we get snacks, too."

"What do you get?"

"Probably a small slushie and small popcorn."

"Oh. What they give the kids when they go on a field trip."

"Maybe. I've got to get going. Can I have your bank card? I need to get some shoes and school supplies."

"It's in the purse. Don't go overboard. Remember what kind of millionaire I am. Anyway, I'll take it out of your account."

"What do you mean, TAKE IT OUT OF MY ACCOUNT?"

"Your college savings. It's stuff for college."

"Oh. I thought you meant out of MY money."

Funny how it only works one way, isn't it? Genius grabbed the plastic money and took off. I was just taking a deep breath, getting back to my life, when I heard someone on the porch and say a tall head at the glass thingamabob on top of the door. Great. What kind of stranger was up in here now? I knew I did not have any packages coming from that crazy UPS label-picture-drawing dude. I smoothed down my hair and went to open the door.

It was Genius. "Lock yourself out?"

"Yes. You can open that knob from the inside, even when it's locked. That's the stupidest thing! You know, I could have died if I did this last night."

"I don't think so. It was 75 degrees. You could have slept on the back porch."

"Well, if it was winter,  I could have died."

"You're the kind of Genius who isn't very smart.