How Ya Gonna Keep 'Em in Front of the TV, After They've Touched the Remote?

Friday I made my mom get out of the house. Her own house, not mine! Val is not one to shoo her own mater out the door with a kitchen broom like a common house cat. For a brief instant, I was afraid I would have to pluck her out like the nutmeat of a pecan from the bitter shell, with a pointy silver nutpick.

We had prearranged her exodus, no small feat, our planning stages, which I have previously compared to mounting the invasion of Normandy. Mom was certain the incoming rain would melt the eight inches of snow coating her gravel driveway. The driveway I am not allowed to enter. The driveway she begrudged the footprints of her neighbors bringing in her mail and newspaper during the -45 degree wind chill days. I tried to reason with Mom. "That snow is not going away overnight. The temperature today is in the low thirties. It's going to take a while to melt."

"Oh, I'm sure it will be gone Saturday. Saturday I'm getting out to go to the bank. I really need to cash these two little checks that have been laying around here since the first of the month. And I want to take some coins to trade in. Then I really need to go by the Post Office to send in my estimated taxes, and to get some stamps. Well. I still have 13 stamps left. But I like to always have some on hand."

"I'll come by and take you today. Just in case it's not melted by Saturday. You'll be kicking yourself if you put it off and you can't get out. I'm giving you that chance now."

"Well...it's going to rain, and I know my driveway will melt. You don't need to come out here and get me. It's out of your way."

"Mom. I'm off work. I'm coming to town anyway. And I won't pull in your precious driveway!"

"Oh. Well, I can meet you at the end of the driveway. I'll bring my broom, and stay in those footsteps."

We left The Pony at her house, downloading game updates. He didn't have to seem so happy to get away from me. He helped Mom up the driveway, she and her broom, and her Walmart bag full of checks and mail and clutch purse. Mom lives on an outer road. Because I was not allowed in her driveway, I had to catch a leg of the two-lane highway to get back to where I started from. I am not fond of highway driving, even though (or because) I used to drive myself to the city every day across multiple lanes to work. But I did it, for Mom. She kindly offered her neighbors' driveways for me to turn around, which kind of seemed like dirty pool, after they'd been looking out for her. It didn't look like they were "saving" their driveways, but I didn't want to be so bold.

We ran our errands and picked up a Diet Coke for Mom at McDonalds. According to mom, a lady in the bank looked at her like she was crazy. "So I just left. I don't care what they think of me. I was telling that lady that always helps me, the one who got back my ten dollars that drive-thru teller shorted me that time, that I had not been out of the house in so long, I hoped I was in the right place. And that other lady just stared at me. So I left." Good thing that lady didn't know what was to come.

I dropped off Mom and picked up The Pony. I sat in the car, mind you, because I am not allowed in Mom's driveway. It's not like I can park on the wrong side of the road and go in for a visit. The Pony had accomplished his downloading. We headed home. I called Mom later to tell her we were in the house safely. She calls if she doesn't hear from us. Her phone rang, but she didn't answer. Her thingy came on to say the line was in use. I figured she was talking to one of her long-winded friends. Then she called me back.

"I saw you tried to call. I was on the line with the cable company. I hit something on my remote, and now I can't get a picture, only a blue screen. I've tried everything. That lady didn't know what she was doing. She has this so messed up. I told her about how I use one remote to turn the TV and cable off and on, and the other one for the channels. Nothing would do her but to get on the internet and try to find that remote. She said she had never heard of that kind of TV. You could tell she didn't really want to help me. So I finally just told her, 'I'll figure it out. Never mind.' I'm going to call back later this afternoon to see if somebody else will answer. Oh, this is really bothering me. Like how it bothered you today when your insurance wouldn't pay for your medicine because they say they're not your insurance. That's how I feel."

"You need to call back and ask to talk to someone else. If you get that lady, say, 'I tried everything you told me, but it didn't work. Can I please talk to somebody else?' The worst they can do is yell at you and not help you. They can't reach through the phone. You call them back."

I gave her a couple of hours, then I checked on her again. "Did you get somebody else at the cable office?"

"Yes. But you could tell she did not want to help me, either. She acted like she was helping me, but then she said, 'I really don't know what to tell you. I'm going to send a serviceman out there.' And I told her not to send a serviceman."

"Why, because he'll pull into your driveway? Let them send one. Tell them to stay out of the driveway."

"I don't want a serviceman. Who knows what they'll charge me for that. Oh, it's such a mess. Ever since your sister's boy put it on the full screen that time, I've had trouble with it. I think I'll just watch my upstairs TV in the bedroom until Monday, then I'll go buy another TV."

"MOM! You've only had that TV about a year. It's not the TV! You'll just get another remote you have to deal with."

"Yes, but maybe that cable remote your sister gave me for Christmas will work with the new remote."

"I don't think that's the solution. Genius is gone, or I'd have him come out and fix it for you."

"Oh, I don't want to bother him! I don't want to talk about it any more."

"Does your remote have a "MODE" button? Or say "TV" or "Satellite" or "DVD"?"

"Yes...it has "CBL" which I guess means cable."

"Try pushing the "CABLE" one.

"Okay. That didn't work. I don't even want to deal with it."

"PONY! Did you mess with Grandma's remote and put it on something else? No? Well, get on the phone and see if you can help her."

"I tried what Pony said, but that didn't help."

"I'll send Hick by tonight on his way home."

"No! I don't want to deal with it. I'll watch upstairs."

"Mom. You just got a new recliner. You know how you like to lean back and do your Sudoku books and watch TV. I'll send him by. I'll tell him not to pull in your driveway!"

"NO! Please don't! I'm done with it. Just let it go. Please!"

"Okay...talk to you later."

She was really adamant about not having Hick's help. Not that I blame her, but remotes ARE the domain of the weaker male sex. I discussed it with him when he got home. While I was in the kitchen, he picked up the phone and called Mom. "No. I won't come out. I was just trying to help. I'm looking at ours. Does it have..."

After several minutes, I went in and took the phone. "Mom. I have five minutes while supper is cooking. Are both lights on? The power for your TV, and for the cable? Do you have a box for cable? We have a light that comes on our receiver when the power it on." Mom hemmed and hawed with each suggestion. "Mom. You're not even downstairs, are you?"

"No. I was just trying to answer the way I remembered. I'll go down there. I'll have to leave this phone off the hook..."

"That's fine. You'll be right back up there. I only have three minutes left."

"Okay. Here I am with the remotes."

"Now...on the TV remote that you use for power...is the power on?"

"No. I turned it off. When I turn it on, all I get is the blue screen, and a little thing up in the right corner, but not that thing in the bottom corner."

"You're going to turn on the power, then we'll try the power on the cable remote."

"Okay...I'm turning on the power to my TV remote...wait a minute! Is it coming on? OH! It's working! Everything is working! Thank you! Thank you! This is great! I can watch TV down here tonight. And I'm not turning it off! It can stay on all night, so I'll have it tomorrow!"

"You're welcome, Mom. I have to go finish supper. Don't forget to hang up your upstairs phone."

Yeah. Val is a freakin' electronics genius!