No, I am NOT Trying to Get My Inheritance Quicker Than Five Dollars at a Time

Snow's a-comin'!

That means I had to get out and provide my mom with some tasty leftovers. She might be a shut-in for a week or more. That's how she doesn't roll. Besides, she's almost done with the leftovers I gave her Tuesday for Wednesday's snow storm. Uh huh. That was some tasty whole-wheat spaghetti, garlic toast, and beans-and-ham-and-black-eyed-peas. Let the record show that the garlic toast was fresh right out of Save A Lot's freezer case. What do you think I am, some kind of two-dollar daughter who gives her mom garbage?

Mom insisted on meeting me on the upper end of Walmart's parking lot. By the Pizza Hut. I was perfectly willing to drive all the way to her house. But she was going to charge up her Blazer's battery a bit with a drive, before backing it into the garage to wait out the deep freeze. Let the record also show that the backing in was my idea. Seriously. She always worries about backing up her icy driveway, over the hump of snow left by the snow plow. Don't you think simply opening up the garage door and driving forward would be easier? Me too. AND I told her to put that Blazer in 4WD so it would be ready. You don't even want to know what can of worms that opened. But I'm going to tell you anyway.

Mom likes to "save" her 4WD. Like it will wear out. Like she only has so many hours minutes of 4WD before it goes kaput. I know. The elderly are a curious lot. Also, Mom said she has to come to a complete stop and put her PRNDL in neutral to change over to 4WD. I know her vehicle is older than my T-Hoe. But I am supposed to have it moving when I switch over. Unless it's to 4WD Low. Seems that's what Mom was getting at. I only meant she should have her Blazer in its 4WD capability. I have something called 4WD Automatic. That's what Hick calls it, anyway. That means in that setting, if the wheels start to slip, 4WD kicks in. Then I have the regular 4WD setting. Then the 4WD Low for when I really mean business.

Dear me. Mom had me SO confused. "Oh, I have to come to a complete stop and be in neutral to put my car in four-wheel-drive. Tom out at Tom Dick and Harry's Tire Shop told me. They're so good to me. Tom told me just how to use it. What? Well, I guess your car is different. Tom told me to stop. Now, he DID say that it's okay to be moving when I switch it to that next one up. I guess it must be three-wheel-drive. And I can have it moving for the next one, the four-wheel-drive. But for that four low, I have to be stopped. And in neutral. So I decided I would back my car in the garage. I left it in two-wheel-drive. I know that when I'm ready to pull out of the garage, I can put it in four low then. Because I'm already stopped."

Pardon my face-palm. Three-wheel-drive indeed! But whatever makes Mom feel secure. I do admit that if she had tried backing with that beast in 4WD Low, she would have had difficulty steering. Which we really don't want. Because it seems my scathingly brilliant idea to prepare Mom for her eventual getaway after this new bout of global cooling could have led to her demise. I'm beside myself. Here's the rest of the story.

"Oh, I was hoping you would call me. No, I'm not eating. I'm watching the Mizzou basketball game. But my food is ready. It's in the...uh...thing where I make my food...oh...I'm drawing a blank. You know! Where I get my food ready...the...um..."

"You mean your stove, Mom?"

"No. Not the stove. The other thing. In the wall..."

"Oh, your oven."

"No. Not the oven. Above it."

"The MICROWAVE!"

"Yes! That's it. It's all ready for me to turn it on. I'm going to wait until around 6:30. I was all ready to have some of that cabbage and sausage you brought me, but I think I'll save that until tomorrow, because I wanted the rice and sweet-and-sour sauce. I had some of those grilled chicken strips in the freezer that will go with it. Mmm...that's going to be good."

"So, you wanted me to call?"

"Oh, yes! I wanted to tell you how good I did at backing into the garage. I lined up the car, and got out to make sure nothing was in the way. Then I got back in and backed down the driveway. I got it in the garage, and then I got out to check if I was okay. My tailpipe was up against a plastic bag. So I thought, 'That's probably not good.' I got back in the car and pulled forward about two feet, and that seemed like it would be fine."

"I didn't know you had stuff in your garage. Did it melt the bag?"

"No! The exhaust pipe was just laying barely on the top of it. It wasn't THAT hot. I checked. I put my hand around the tailpipe, and it was barely warm."

"You grabbed the tailpipe after you'd been driving? You could have burned your hand!"

"Oh, come on. Give me some credit. I DO have a little bit of sense. I didn't wrap my whole hand around it. Just felt of it. I could tell it wasn't that hot."

"Mom, you know that when you started up the car again, it shot hot exhaust into that bag. Did you check again to see if it melted?"

"Oh, it wasn't that hot. I've been looking out my living room window to see if there's any light in the garage, and it's dark. That was a long time ago. When did I get home...around 2:30. There's not going to be a fire."

"What's in the bag?"

"Well, I think it's a trash bag full of straw."

"WHAT? I hope nothing is smoldering in there."

"Stop that. Don't be silly. I might not even have been straw. It might have been a bag of old clothes."

"You know, people on those survival shows would love to be stranded in your garage. So many firestarters."

"Everything is fine. I've been checking on it."

"I never would have told you to back in if I knew you had that stuff laying around. I thought you only kept aluminum cans out there."

"It's going to be fine."

Yes. I'm sure it will. I certainly hope so. A bag of STRAW? Seriously. What is she, the first little pig? I know a kid whose whole house burned down in the middle of the night because her mom dumped an ashtray in the wastebasket that afternoon, then took out the trash, and it smoldered into flames in the early morning hours.

Mom will be fine. I'm sure. She's a driver, not a smoker.