Val: Sharer and Carer, All Rolled into One

Here's a little contest tip for anybody with $5 to spare. The Mona Schreiber Prize for Humorous Fiction and Nonfiction is open for entries. Deadline is December 1, with prizes of $500, $250, and $100. Entries should be 750 words or less.

I know this contest is old news to some of you. I've read about it on your blogs. So don't forget! You've only got about four months to send in an entry. And as the home page says: Weirdness is encouraged. Not that I'm calling you weird or anything. That would not be very ladylike. It just seems like this might be the kind of place where Sioux's woodchipper story might find a home.

Last year, I entered. And I plan to enter again. Because I am fresh out of ideas to blog about tonight, I am sharing a snippet of my weird entry that just might have been too weird even for this contest, since it garnered me absolutely nothing for my five dollars, other than a completed weird story.

How Many Roads Must a Manatee Ride Down?

            Dennis, we hardly knew ye! Oh, excuse me. I haven't introduced you to my new friend, Dennis the Manatee. Wait! I almost forgot. I can't introduce you now. Because Dennis is DEAD! Yep. He kicked the bucket, bit the dust, bought the big one. He's taking a dirt nap, six feet under.

            That's because Dennis was murdered. I can't prove it, but by my calculations, if the powers that be had simply left well-enough alone, Dennis might be here with us now. Not literally, because, well, Dennis would not like to be in my basement office, watching me type up his story. Nothing against me, of course. If he had to watch anybody type his story, I'm sure Dennis would have chosen me.

            A manatee is a big, sea-cow-looking critter. That's what Mr. Maven, my work colleague,  called him: a sea cow. How rude! But if Dennis was here today, I think he would forgive Mr. Maven the slight, because, well, if he was here today, that would mean Dennis was still alive!

            Technically, the sea cow is extinct, but some people, like Mr. Maven, use the term interchangeably with manatee. Did you know the name “sea cow” came about because these aquatic mammals taste like beef? Me neither. But it makes me question where Mrs. Maven shops for meat.

Yeah, there's more. But I don't want to subject you to the whole thing. That's the gist of it. Too weird, ya think?  It's based on a true story, you know. The people trying to rescue Dennis actually killed him. In my opinion, anyway.

Val Thevictorian. Judge. Jury. Working on her executioner's license.