Wednesday, August 22, 2012

A Mother's Love Can Kill

My mom stopped by school the other day to pick up some goodies that I had for her. It's the most convenient way, her meeting us on the school parking lot in the morning. It was a little outing for her, plus she could look forward to a day of reading tabloids and feasting on chicken-and-noodles.

Mom usually brings snacks for The Pony to store in the bottom drawer of my file cabinet for after school. On this particular morning, she leaned in the window of my Tahoe before I could get out.

"I always bring treats for The Pony. But I never bring anything for you. I want you to have these." She thrust three individual snack bags of Lance peanuts into my hand.

"What are you trying to do, KILL MY STUDENTS?"

Mom has been retired for eighteen years. Things have changed in academia since she last presided over fourth grade. I imagine that back then, they still sang Christmas carols at the Christmas programs, celebrated Halloween, and enjoyed homemade refreshments at their holiday parties.

Mom did not premeditate her attempted murder. In her mind, she was providing after-school energy for her hard-working daughter. In the form of peanuts. Delicious, salty, crunchy, nutritious, Lance peanuts. One hundred forty calories of proteiny goodness. DEADLY Lance peanuts.

I thanked her. I told her I would leave them in the car to enjoy on the way home. Yesterday, I ate half a pack. And today, I finished it off. I know better than to eat them in the morning on the way to school. Because if somebody drops dead of anaphylaxis, I refuse to be left holding the bag.



  1. Wow - just think of the lives you've saved...just by eating peanuts! Thanks to your mother, you're a hero.

  2. I was an adult before I ever heard of anyone being allergic to peanuts. I think this is a new thing.

  3. Yes, when I was a young'un, there were peanuts everywhere. Peanut-topped sundaes at Dairy Queen. Big barrels of peanuts in the grocery store. There were even restaurants where you ate the peanuts while you sat at the table and threw the shells on the floor.

    People back then must have been dropping dead by the thousands--every minute, and I never noticed the pile-up of carcasses.

    Yes, life is different these days...

  4. I work in a preschool which targets any and all food allergies: some years it's wheat, or peanuts or eggs. Some years we have playdough and some we don't. I can never have a fish sandwich for lunch, chocolate in my classroom, or a Snickers for energy, yeah, energy.

  5. Tammy,
    I'm surprised I haven't received a Nobel Peace Prize for my selfless, legume-gorging lifestyle.

    Well, the people who had the peanut allergies back then aren't talking.

    I smell a conspiracy. Think how hard Sears had to work to hide those bodies after folks dropped dead sniffing the roasted peanuts at the candy counter.

    THE HORROR! And by that, I mean you acting like a diva when you don't get a Snickers. You might be in the next commercial.